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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
nestisflown · 06/03/2020 16:10

So long as they are paying for it, I think yabu (only a little). It's a cultural thing and one that's fully your husband's culture too (it would be different if he himself didn't want it either). I would suggest 2 weddings- a traditional Indian one and a small intimate one so you both feel as though you've had an ideal wedding

Ninkanink · 06/03/2020 16:12

Have your Scottish wedding. His parents can come and if it’s imperative that the rest of his immediate family comes as well then I’m sure they won’t mind paying for them and their travel over from their wedding fund.

A celebration in India needn’t take away from your wedding that you want, at all. And it really shouldn’t be difficult for you to say that to your fiancé and for him to back you up on that. If he won’t accept that you should have a say too and that it is perfectly possible to do things in a way that makes both sides happy then I’d say you will have big problem in future and I’d be rethinking the whole idea of marriage to him.

nestisflown · 06/03/2020 16:13

Sorry I just saw your updates OP- sounds like a plan to have the separate ones. Also could you try scale back on the length of the Indian ceremony so it's more affordable for family and friends?

DjMomo · 06/03/2020 16:14

Indian weddings are amazing. I would like to attend one one day. If I were you I would go ahead with it and have a ball. Enjoy!

partofthepeanutgallery · 06/03/2020 16:14

£200k on a wedding? What a waste of money.

I'd rather ask for most of that to go towards a nice home.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 16:16

It's fine. It will bring them happiness and fulfill all their dreams. Have your Scottish wedding too, in England. No problem. You have taken this thread in a great spirit, despite the closet racism rearing its head.

Why would she want a Scottish wedding in England?

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/03/2020 16:17

If OP’s DP were marrying an Indian woman @missmouse101 the bride’s parents would be paying for the Indian wedding and the groom’s side would traditionally pay for their party and perhaps a cash gift to their son for a new house. That they have decided to pay for the wedding in it’s entirety means they are compromising.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 16:17

2 questions OP

How long have you been together?

How many times have you met your future MIL?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2020 16:19

the family are very liberal and open minded about most things. We live in the UK and we would not be expected to move in with them etc, they are a really wonderful and supportive family

They sound absolutely lovely, OP, and as long as you and DH to be are on the same page about lifelong family expectations you should be good

I agree with PPs that a additional, smaller UK ceremony could make sense, but I honestly wouldn't do the family (or youself!!) out of the enormous pleasure of a proper Indian wedding. Just be prepared for the fact your your OH may feel more "properly married" after this than following the English one Wink

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 06/03/2020 16:19

I married my DH in Europe and then we went out to Malaysia and had a blessing there (Christian Indian family). Only his brother flew out for our wedding, perhaps you could persuade your MIL that there's no need for everyone to come to your small Scottish wedding, just his parents and siblings.

It's definitely worth getting married in the UK first if that's where you're going to be living as it's much easier to get a replacement marriage certificate if you need one, and there's no need to faff around getting a translation.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 16:19

That they have decided to pay for the wedding in it’s entirety means they are compromising.

Well that's not strictly true is it?

They know they can't expect the bride's parents to stump up £200,000 for a wedding she's not keen on in another country.

If they're to have any control over this at all, they know they have to pay for it.

msmith501 · 06/03/2020 16:20

I think this will set the trend going forwards. On a really good note, the culture of your husband-to-be's family is fully embracing you which is a real positive. On the other hand, they are inadvertently and unintentionally running roughshod over what you might have chosen had you been given the choice. What do your parents think? Are their thoughts important or has the clash of cultures resulted in a winner? The balance seems off to me. The cost also. If you get on as well as you say with your future MIL, it should be possible to have a conversation about the imbalance between expectations, what your parents might have wanted, what you may want and what they are forcing on you.

MintyMabel · 06/03/2020 16:21

If you are in a cross cultural relationship, you have to accept sometimes you’ll be taking part in things you aren’t too keen on. Your DP is maybe using the “I don’t want to upset them” excuse to hide that actually it is what he wants to do.

I can’t believe the cross culture issue hasn’t come up by now, but I would be sitting down and discussing what you both are and aren’t willing to do as a compromise. It may well be there is no wedding as neither of you are willing to accept each others’ culture.

Jeleste · 06/03/2020 16:22

When you marry into a different culture youre going to have to compromise on things like this.
Pick your battles.

FlowerArranger · 06/03/2020 16:22

I haven't read the full thread. I was married for over 40 years to a man from a different culture, so I know a fair bit about cultural sensitivities, treading carefully, and not pissing off the MIL.

However..... the idea of blowing 200k - TWO HUNDRED POUNDS!! - on a wedding is just obscene. Particularly in India, a country where millions - MILLIONS, FFS - of people live and die on the streets.

Sorry, but there is just NO way I could go along with this.

CoralFish · 06/03/2020 16:22

100% agree with everyone saying two weddings. The point is that nobody apart from both sets of parents have to come to both. You might find that people want to, so the guest list for the Scottish one would be a headache getting RSVPs but apart from that it is definitely best. You can extend an open invite to your Scottish friends but make it clear that they are not expected. My friends who got married recently did this - a couple of our friends, and her parents went to the Indian one, but even her sister didn't (due to work) and there was no bad feeling there at all. People will really thank you for not expecting them to travel.

FlowerArranger · 06/03/2020 16:23

TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND........ FFS...

Paintedmaypole · 06/03/2020 16:24

I think that if you want to marry him you have to go along with this. I agree with the people who say that you need to iron out how you will deal with cultural differences in the future and make it clear that the parents won't be running your lives going forward . Regarding the wedding,the parents will feel very humiliated if they can't give their son the type of wedding that is appropiate to their culture and they will be hugely disappointed. I think you can't be selfish about this and they will be paying anyway. You are goigg to have to be willing to make compromises if you want to marry this man so just have 2 weddings and try to enjoy the experience

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/03/2020 16:26

** They know they can't expect the bride's parents to stump up £200,000 for a wedding she's not keen on in another country.

If they're to have any control over this at all, they know they have to pay for it.**

Without an Indian wedding the DP’s community won’t accept OP or any children after the in laws are gone. Considering India is growing at a faster rate economically than the UK is, in 30-40 years time if OP’s kids want to move there to work it would be useful for them to have access to family support there. So the in laws are probably thinking of the long term picture here.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 06/03/2020 16:28

I have to admit to not reading the whole thread, but my niece found herself in the position. They chose to marry with just two witnesses, then had a meal for extended family some months later and then a huge party in India organised by her in laws.

thirstyformore · 06/03/2020 16:30

Not read the full thread but I went on holiday to India a while ago. I was invited (and went!) to our taxi driver's friends wedding. It was crazy!!! Everyone was expected to attend. It was a huge event. Nothing like a wedding here....

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2020 16:32

There are multiple parts to Indian weddings ... so DP suggested I organize one ceremony which is just the way I want it and everyone is happy

I like the sound of that; it seems to me to show a proper consideration for you, even among all the pizazz of a different cultural event

I apologise, though, for using both UK and England considering you're in Scotland ... I really should have stuck with just "UK" Blush

CountFosco · 06/03/2020 16:34

It is a relatively new thing in this country that the wedding is all about the bride and groom, and boy, is it ALL about the bride and groom.

DM said when her and Dad got married in the 60s it was completely her parent's gig, mum and dad invited hardly any friends. When I got married 20 years ago my parents paid for the wedding and the guests were evenly split between us, ILs and my parents. Now I've seen posts on here where people don't want to invite their Mum's best friend! I do think we have gone too far making it all about the bride and groom. After 20 years we are no longer in touch with some of the friends we invited but I still see the people my parents and ILs invited and they've had more impact on our relationship that Emma who I shared a flat with when I was a student.

Every cross culture wedding I've been at have had two ceremonies. But agree you need to have discussions about differences, it's very easy when you are young and in love to find cultural differences exotic and loveable but when you've had 2h sleep all night with a teething baby and your ILs come to stay for a month and expect to be entertained when you have a big deadline at work it all becomes a bit more fraught bitter voice of experience.

PuppyMonkey · 06/03/2020 16:45

I’d tell them you’ve decided not to get married at all but will just cohabit - and you’ll take the £200,000 to use on something useful. Wink

Seriously OP, I know people are amused by this but I think it’s honestly outrageous to spend that amount of money on one sodding wedding. Tell the parents to give the money to charity instead.

Winterlife · 06/03/2020 16:46

I haven't read all the responses. However, I think if this is important, culturally, to your fiance's parents, and they are paying for that wedding, you should allow them to organize it and go.

I also wouldn't want to be the bride at a wedding with 3,000 strangers as guests, however, were it important to my in laws, I would grin and bear it.

You could still have your Scottish wedding, on your terms, in Scotland.