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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone actually been outed?

206 replies

Elfranko · 06/03/2020 09:06

Lots of people name change when posting I assume for the fear of people they know reading the story. However, alot are specific scenarios that surely people who knew the situation would instantly twig anyway.
There have been loads of times I want to post something and then chicken out incase this happens and I have absolutely no idea if anyone i know uses mumsnet.

Has it ever happened to anyone?

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 06/03/2020 14:28

However, a lot are specific scenarios that surely people who knew the situation would instantly twig anyway.

The point is that people might twig who posted that specific post or thread, but they couldn't then go back and look at other posts from that particular poster and identify her.

Womenwotlunch · 06/03/2020 14:33

I haven’t recognised anyone on here

HirplesWithHaggis · 06/03/2020 14:38

I have been spotted once, and, oddly enough, have just spotted an old friend telling a very lovely story. Grin

funkylittleboatrace · 06/03/2020 14:38

@Funtcase95 haha very good 😆

alloutoffucks · 06/03/2020 14:41

I think it is most obvious on anecdotes. The kind of - when I was a child..and a very specific situation told in a very specific way. People often use the exact same words when they tell anecdotes over and over again.

Notapheasantplucker · 06/03/2020 15:05

I had to NC after reading this postGrin

I don't think I've ever been identified 👀

jeremypaxo · 06/03/2020 15:12

It's happened to me on another site. It was awful. The person who knew me IRL hated me so it was horrible that she had read a lot of my personal posts. I only found out when she herself posted about it on the forum.

StormBaby · 06/03/2020 15:18

I've 'spotted' three people I know in real life on here

jackparlabane · 06/03/2020 15:30

I've recognised half a dozen people - if you're talking about the unusual admissions policy of an oversubscribed school and what number you are on the same wait list as me...
Or having a child with special needs and considering two schools near my house.

One was a friend already - I checked we both hadn't posted anything embarrassing under our then names, and mentioned it. Haven't,to any of the others.

SW16 · 06/03/2020 15:47

However, alot are specific scenarios that surely people who knew the situation would instantly twig anyway

Exactly. Which is why they nc for that post rather than post under the name that they use to ask about their sex life, moan about DH, reveal their drinking habits and relate scandal from their kids’ school.

Wisely so, since yes, many people have been recognised.

CoralieBoralie · 06/03/2020 16:52

I was outed, and it turned my life upside down. I posted about having cheated on my EA husband, asking how to leave him etc. The oppressive church we were part of had some women (Hi Karen!) monitoring Mumsnet, and because I v foolishly put outing details on my post, she reported it. My husband was obviously informed and I was disciplined by the church - I still feel so stupid that I let them do that, meetings with men where I had to confess my sin.
Upshot was, I finally got it together to leave both husband and church.
So I'm actually really grateful to Karen now - sometimes I feel like writing a thank you note, genuinely 🙈

Thorilicious · 06/03/2020 17:18

I outed myself 😂 I posted a screen shot of something, and it had my FB messenger photo on it...

SW16 · 06/03/2020 17:20

Blimey Coralie.

That must have been horrifying, but good for you for getting yourself out of such a toxic abusive situation. I hope things are better now.

dwum · 06/03/2020 17:26

I posted once on here and then posted the same post on a Facebook group. Someone messaged me to say I had outed myself!
Also, I am long term member and regularly share threads with friends, if I find it interesting/funny, so they could find me, I guess.

So now I am a regular name changer.

MRex · 06/03/2020 18:18

I've commented on DH's cousin's wife's thread without saying it was me. I dithered over telling her and coming out under a name change to support her regarding some people wilfully misinterpreting her motives, but she'd only just had a baby and I really didn't want her feeling self-conscious.

A few times I've vaguely wondered if someone is my SIL, aunt, one of a few cousins or a particular colleague from work. My SIL and aunt definitely post here because my aunt got me involved by reading me the penis beaker many years ago, I suspect she likewise involved at least one cousin. A friend of mine from school definitely posts here, but I'd have to do a search to work out out which of 3 handles she is and I'm not willing to interfere with her privacy out of nosiness. Mostly it's a useful jolt to be gentle because the whole situation isn't necessarily as it's being shown by the OP and there's a good person behind the handle. I definitely recognise many posts from people in our birth mumsnet group despite some name changes, largely based on style though some have the same name from years ago. In general I think it's better not to tell anyone you know it's them, but I've made an exception for people I only know through mumsnet where I thought they'd find it helpful to have someone they know as a real human say something nice.

primrosestill · 07/03/2020 06:56

Everyone should change their usernames regularly and I think MNHQ should advise people on this when they join. You only need to ve vaguely recognised once and then your whole chat history under that name can be stalked using the Advanced Search feature.

If you see someone you know, you should do them a favour by pm'ing them a tip-off to change their name. You don't need to let them know who you are when you do that.

SnowyPetals · 07/03/2020 08:27

I think Mumsnet should disable the ability to advance search by username. That would solve the problem. I have only ever recognised one person on here - commenting on posts about specific schools or areas is often outing.

Jamonfirst · 07/03/2020 08:44

How do you name change? Asking for a friend......Wink

Tvquizhelp · 07/03/2020 09:04

@CoralieBoralie jw’s?

primrosestill · 07/03/2020 09:06

@Jamonfirst you do it in your settings. Just over-write your current name with a new one, enter your password and then save.

primrosestill · 07/03/2020 09:14

@SnowyPetals disabling that feature wouldn't solve the underlying issue. Try Googling the words Mumsnet SnowyPetals and you'll see why.

Becca19962014 · 07/03/2020 10:17

MN use google as their search engine on this site, when there was non advanced search it was Google too. It's one if the reasons threads here appear top in search results on Google for things.

Becca19962014 · 07/03/2020 10:19

Hence disabling advanced search being useless.

Icecreamdiva · 07/03/2020 10:21

Wow @primrosestill! That’s actually more efficient than the advanced search option.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 07/03/2020 10:40

A couple of years ago someone on a different, completely unrelated internet forum (think a particular hobby, very rare, with not many people involved) complained about a situation involving her best friend. Lots of specific detail, not possible this could happen to many more people. Some weeks later I randomly came across a thread on here written by the said best friend (currently ex-best friend) retelling the same situation asking who was unreasonable- she was and got flamed. She would be flamed even more so if I revealed the detail she omitted that I knew from the other end of the story, but I did not want to out the person on the other forum and let the ex best friend know that the situation was talked about elsewhere.