Aibu to not understand why so many people have kids?

[Bigearringsbigsmile]

When they have no intention of putting their kids needs before their own?
Good, reliable contraception is freely available now so why put yourself through having children when you don't actually give a shit?
I see so many kids whose parents don't seem to even do the basics properly. I don't get why. Have an easier life- devote your time and money to yourself legitimately.

It's a lot more complex than "why put yourself through having children when you don't actually give a shit?" and depends on the specifics of any given situation. Hard to say whether YABU without more context.

YABU. No one knows what having kids is like until they actually have them. It’s one heck of a shock. If people have a baby, hate parenting/discover they’re crap at it and have more/don’t ask for support then that’s another thing.

It’s very easy to incorrectly judge when you are on the outside and don’t have all the facts.

I know a woman with two kids...single mum, overcrowded council housing, on benefits...she literally looks like she hates motherhood and I don't particularly judge that. It can't be much fun in those circumstances. Then she has a third child...when she was pregnant I congratulated her and she even said she was gutted. I bit my tongue but genuinely wanted to tell her that she had numerous options along the way.

Because most people don't know how hard it is and how much of themselves they have to give up

And once the kid is here most people become at least moderately attached to it - and it's not like you can get rid of them without public approbation or shove them back up your fanny 🤷‍♀️

I actually agree with op. I myself have 3 kids and my life has totally changed their needs come before mine. My friend has 1 and dumps her on everybody and anybody so she can go on all night benders 3 nights a week... Why she had a child il never know

It’s because society teaches women that they have to be mothers, medical experts and the media put out misleading and contradictory advice that having babies younger (often before you even have a place to live or a job) is better than waiting. Women who need to abort are treated like lepers to the extent that many have to keep it a secret. Then society throws poor / unsupported women under the bus when it comes to providing actual birthing or parenting advice because in most areas you have to pay hundreds of pounds for it or mums have to rely on grandparents who often didn’t raise them properly or healthily in the first place!

I agree. Once you have a kid, you put them first no matter what. I'm breastfeeding a demanding almost 4 month old and it limits things I can do, I can still go out but not late in the evening etc. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Some people are too selfish to have kids.

YABU. Many women have no real choice through overt or covert abusive relationships. There is also the socialisation of women from a very early age that being a mother should be their ultimate aim. I guess there is also an element that some women find themselves in a position that having children helps them get money/benefits and accommodation (she got pregnant to get a council flat) but I find that I’m the main to be victim blaming. Then a very small amount who are just poor mothers .

We need to teach our teens how hard parenthood is, I think some people go into it with absolutely no clue how all encompassing it is.

Once you have a kid, you put them first no matter what.

This is debatable.

I have four DC and I can honestly say that for the sake of my sanity and my own wellbeing there are times when I put myself and my own needs first. There is a fine line between prioritising the children and being a martyr.

What a horrible thread. You have no idea what goes on in people’s lives.

@Hoik I agree. Martyring yourself to your children doesn’t do them any favours in the long run

Contraception is only freely available in some countries.

Because children = hope.

Sometimes contraception fails.
Sometimes women are raped.
Sometimes the biological drive to procreate is stronger than logic.
Sometimes safety and forward planning is overshadowed by mental health problems
Sometimes alcohol of drugs lead to poor choices.
Sometimes it’s hard to break out of the cycles of neglect or abuse particularly when you’re already stretched to your limits by poverty

There’s all sorts of reasons.

I agree with Babs

Plus everyone has different ideas of what is good or even 'good enough' parenting.

And some GPs push unsuitable contraception. For example my old GP was very reluctant to give prescriptions for the pill and preferred to recommend the coil or implant instead, neither of which I wanted. When I did manage to get a pill prescription it was for Cerezette and it turned me evil - horrific mood swings, crying jags, anger like I've never known, nausea, constant spotting for weeks on end, depression. GP wouldnt prescribe another because I apparently had to give that one six months first so I came off it, DH went and got the snip, and we changed surgeries.

It's a lack of education, awareness, selfishness and maturity.

@Camomila I agree with this.

What does "doing the basics properly" mean?

It’s ridiculous to suggest that parents have no intention of putting kids needs first. How could you possibly know that. Parents who struggle to do the basics have invariably had terrible experiences of being patented themselves, and they think they will be able to do better. But sadly a lot about parenting is learned, and it takes a lot of willingness to soul-search and hard work to change what has been learned over a lifetime. Couple that with poverty, abuse, ill heath, violence, stress - does someone in that situation stand much of a chance of being able to put their kids first all the time? And does someone in that situation not just want to have kids in their life like everyone else?

You say you don’t get why - sounds like you could do with getting down to a food bank or a refuge to volunteer to give you some understanding of what other people’s lives can be like.

It's can also a failure to understand how certain a upbringing can impact on your child.

Some people have an objectively poor standard of parenting and can't see it.

sounds like you could do with getting down to a food bank or a refuge to volunteer to give you some understanding of what other people’s lives can be like
What has thus got to do with being a decent parent?

Or are you suggesting being poor is a reason to not put your DC first?

No, I’m suggesting that people shouldn’t judge one another when they have little idea of the real challenges people face. When you do, you see how much people have to deal with to survive, and it is hard not to have this impact parenting, how could it not? Of course many people in poverty are great parents, but in my experience, they tend to have had good experiences of being parented themselves. I’m trying to help the OP understand why people who aren’t great parents have kids, answering her question. It’s pretty obvious to me. Few people set out to be a bad parent.