Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think about living together apart?

110 replies

PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 15:10

I'm wondering what you think of a situation I'm very seriously considering. I've changed my name as some details could identify me.

I am married, have no children of my own, DH has two with his ex-wife. DH and I live together in a property owned by his parents, an an only child he will inherit this property but for now it's his parents and we don't pay any rent (his parents are wealthy and don't want any rent).

We earn similar amounts of money, but because I don't pay any child maintenance and he does, I've been able to save a lot more than him. However, he will inherit a substantial sum one day, whereas I won't.

If I'm totally honest I would much rather have my own home and pay for it than live in my PIL's house rent free, this might sound daft but I am usually very independent and I don't really like this situation.

We have his children to stay with us three times a week, and this includes every other weekend. They are not young children and I don't have a special bond with them. There is certainly no hint of mistreatment before you jump on me, but they have two great parents, I don't need to be an extra parent to them. He has a good relationship with them and spends loads of time with them, usually without me on the weekends they are at ours. Everyone is happy with this.

My thoughts are that I would like to buy my own home and live in it, while still being married. I love my husband and don't want to split up. I just don't like our living arrangements. I thought if the rich and famous can do it (like Helena Bonham Carter), what stops normal working class people doing it too if they can afford it.

Of course if we did split he'd be entitled to half of it, I don't have any issue with that - it's not about finances, it's about space and being happy where you live. I'd pay the mortgage - it would also be a great retirement plan.

What do you think, AIBU?

Please don't make this a judgemental anti-step mum thread, I've put the details about my stepchildren in there as it is part of the equation. I don't need to be beaten up about not being a perfect stepmother.

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 05/03/2020 15:17

I definitely can't understand your viewpoint cause I'd hate to live separate to my husband. But if you speak to your husband about it and you both agree that it's a good idea then I don't see the issue.

I do wonder about the logistics though. I found it a struggle to spend proper amounts of time with my husband pre-children when we were both working full time. I can only see that getting harder if you lived in separate places (and he has childcare commitments). But I guess it's no different to if you were early on in the relationship and were dating but living separately.

What has made you wonder if you're being unreasonable?

chockaholic72 · 05/03/2020 15:18

I'm an introvert and single, but if I were to meet someone living apart together would be the only way it would work for me. I think it's healthy to think about. You could buy and rent out, or depending on where you currently live you could buy a place in the city if you're a country or 'burbs dweller, or the opposite, like a pied a terre. You don't both have to live in the same place at the same time, all the time.

And although I hope you have a long and happy marriage, there's definitely something to be said for having your own property. Equally, when you die (which will obviously be a long way off!) you can choose to leave it to whoever you like. I've got some very cherished godchildren and nieces - I don't want all my assets swept up in a husband's inheritance, to be left to children who I might not be particularly close to. That's not to say I wouldn't include them too but having my own assets gives me the choice to do exactly that.

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 15:24

I guess it's not the 'norm' and that's why I'm questioning myself. I won't inherit so would like to have something to leave to my godchildren.

I don't see that much of him every second weekend, we both work long hours, so really the only quality time we spend is the other weekend. I wouldn't buy miles away, just maybe nearer to my work which is about 30 minutes drive from where we currently live. We could easily make arrangements to stay at either property on those weekends.

I haven't asked him what he thinks yet. I just wondered what the consensus would be.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 05/03/2020 15:29

I can't see anything wrong with your plan, only you know if you can make it work, some people on here are joined at the hip.

NotNegan · 05/03/2020 15:30

I'm married with a son.

This is my fantasy. Well, a one bed flat rather than a house.

LemonTT · 05/03/2020 15:30

It doesn’t really matter what we think it’s what your husband thinks about the idea.

If you weren’t married and already living together it would be an option for you as a couple. Deciding to move out implies unhappiness with the current arrangement.

Where I have seen people do this, it is because they already own properties and are raising families in them. Employment is also a factor. They don’t want to blend for the time being. They also realise that in future they will leaving assets and property to their own children not each other. They never blend finances or family. They have the wealth and income to do this separately.

I’m not clear on what you want to achieve either. Do you want to live separately or own property. This don't have to be inclusive of each other.

IAmcuriousyellow · 05/03/2020 15:37

I would love this. And I completely see your point that you’re not getting much out of things as they are.

Just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we have to live in each other’s pockets. Your time together will be so much more anticipated and enjoyed I’m sure.

I expect your husband will pout a bit because he’ll lose the work you do to keep the house? They do seem to love the comfort of a woman about the place. But if you want to do it and you can afford it I think it’s a fine plan.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2020 15:39

I think if you chose this to start, fine. I think moving out sounds a death knell for the relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2020 15:39

Oh and HBC broke up with hers.

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 15:41

I may only be able to afford a flat, but either way, it would be my own space.

@LemonTT thanks, I hadn't planned on making my decision based on the opinions of MN without discussing with my husband. I would be leaving money to my godchildren and he would be leaving to his own children. I have the wealth and income to do this or I wouldn't be considering it.

OP posts:
dottypotter · 05/03/2020 15:45

its up to you what you do. I would say it was more expensive and also there is more work to do with two homes.

TipseyTorvey · 05/03/2020 15:46

Sounds like utter heaven. I think people obsess about couples 'must share a bedroom' as well when many sleep far better is separate rooms. Would you be able to get somewhere really close to the current house?

AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 15:49

What would your DH think about it? I do love living with my DH but there's something really nice about having some space and time to yourself too

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 15:51

It's a nice idea in theory - if it works for you. I wouldn't like it personally.
Would you be with him all the time when his kids aren't there?
Or would it be like you're dating again and just seeing each other a few times a week?

wishingitwasfriday · 05/03/2020 15:53

Using an example of a couple who broke up (HBC and TB) whilst living together apart doesn't prove anything.
If you think it will work then great. I like my own time/space but I could see my husband and I drifting apart if we did this as our lives would become more and more separate.

Lynda07 · 05/03/2020 15:53

I think it is a good idea if you are both happy with it. If you find out you're not, you will still have a property and could let it or could sell and buy a holiday place near the sea.

A friend of mine did that with her partner for twenty years until he died suddenly. It worked well for them. They actually lived in houses within walking distance but they started off having separate homes and just kept it that way.

abstractprojection · 05/03/2020 15:58

In this situation I would personally buy a weekend holiday home

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 15:58

Ultimately, I don't see that much of him as it is. He spends three nights a week or all weekend plus one night with his children doing stuff with them.

If they choose not to go out and are home, I'm not really part of it, always on the edges, so I could leave them all to it and enjoy my own place.

I would see DH all weekend on the opposite weekend, plus nights of our choice during the week.

Yes it'll be much more expensive for me, but it's also an investment for the future and I can afford it.

OP posts:
InTheSummerhouse · 05/03/2020 16:24

I did that. We lived two streets away from each other. I lived with the kids and they slept at my house but we always had Sunday dinner and at least one meal a week at his place. He would eat with us at ours at least once a week and stay over at least once a week. Occasionally when the kids were little we all slept over at his but once they got to late primary there wasn't the space so it was always at mine. We saw each other every day.

He valued the quiet. The kids loved having 2 homes. I valued having my own space. When we did split up, (amicably and after several decades) there was no need for anyone to move or divide property.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 16:28

If they choose not to go out and are home, I'm not really part of it, always on the edges, so I could leave them all to it and enjoy my own place.

It sounds a little like you don't really feel it's a proper home for you, more that you're a guest of your DH and his kids? If that's how it is I could definitely see the benefit for you having your own space, being able to have friends over or do you're own thing in your own place in confort

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 16:32

It doesn't feel like my home at all. Firstly it belongs to the PIL and although they don't say anything, it never feels like our home.

Secondly, it was his home with his ex wife and children and I think they see me as intruding on their space (the children). It is now my home with DH, but I've never made any of it my space if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 16:32

@MrsTerryPratchett being the eternal optimist as ever!

OP posts:
Isthistrueor · 05/03/2020 16:34

I can completely understand you wanting your own place. I would feel the same if we were living in IL’s house rent free and I knew DH’s DC would inherit the house so I’d never be able to pass it on to a person of my choosing. I’d probably buy my own place and rent it out though if I’m being honest.

I don’t think your marriage would survive this, you’d only see each other every now and then like ships passing in the night. I also think you should have some kind of relationship with his children as their step-mother but maybe I’m just old fashioned 🤷🏻‍♀️

Waterandlemonjuice · 05/03/2020 16:34

Go for it, why not? As long as your dh is also happy with the arrangement.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 16:34

Have you told him how you feel about the house? Your last post made me feel sad.