What do you think about living together apart?

[PiellaLawson]

I'm wondering what you think of a situation I'm very seriously considering. I've changed my name as some details could identify me.

I am married, have no children of my own, DH has two with his ex-wife. DH and I live together in a property owned by his parents, an an only child he will inherit this property but for now it's his parents and we don't pay any rent (his parents are wealthy and don't want any rent).

We earn similar amounts of money, but because I don't pay any child maintenance and he does, I've been able to save a lot more than him. However, he will inherit a substantial sum one day, whereas I won't.

If I'm totally honest I would much rather have my own home and pay for it than live in my PIL's house rent free, this might sound daft but I am usually very independent and I don't really like this situation.

We have his children to stay with us three times a week, and this includes every other weekend. They are not young children and I don't have a special bond with them. There is certainly no hint of mistreatment before you jump on me, but they have two great parents, I don't need to be an extra parent to them. He has a good relationship with them and spends loads of time with them, usually without me on the weekends they are at ours. Everyone is happy with this.

My thoughts are that I would like to buy my own home and live in it, while still being married. I love my husband and don't want to split up. I just don't like our living arrangements. I thought if the rich and famous can do it (like Helena Bonham Carter), what stops normal working class people doing it too if they can afford it.

Of course if we did split he'd be entitled to half of it, I don't have any issue with that - it's not about finances, it's about space and being happy where you live. I'd pay the mortgage - it would also be a great retirement plan.

What do you think, AIBU?

Please don't make this a judgemental anti-step mum thread, I've put the details about my stepchildren in there as it is part of the equation. I don't need to be beaten up about not being a perfect stepmother.

because she loves her husband and it's his almost-adult children that are the problem

She says she feels like all 3 bully her.

She doesnt sound like she is in a happy marriage, aside from the kids at all.

OP, it sounds like a great idea if...

You make sure that it is ring fenced as totally yours in the event of a split, just like his inheritance is for him.

Other than that, I think it could work.
You are living under obligation in a rent free home. I get that you would like a place of your own.

Prepare a list of pros and cons and discuss with your husband.

The big one is that you are not content with the status quo.

I wonder, despite being on the periphery of your husbands life with his children are you doing all the shopping, cooking, and household jobs to facilitate his relationship?

If you are.....living apart sounds most attractive, because it sounds as if you were sold a pup.

Missed the bit where you feel bullied by all 3.

That's reason enough. Leave them to him and do it OP.

It sounds utterly miserable living in someone else's home.

Do you really want to be married to him though?

He doesn't sound like any prize.

@billy1966 exactly. Op says she loves him.

But I suspect that's because that's what she feels she has to say. Or did feel.

He sounds pretty dire. I think the pp should move out. But be separated, living apart. Get a divorce and then she doesnt have to worry about him taking half a property

It sounds like this issue is not that you want your own space, but that you are very unhappy with the whole situation at present. This being the case, you are unlikely to end up 'living together apart' - it is more likely that the relationship will slowly crumble. YANBU to be unhapoy with the current situation.

YABU to suggest that 'normal working class people' would be able to afford your suggested solution

Putting placeholder in as I do this (live together apart). Will read full thread!

I do this, we are not married but have a young son together. We live in the same street. We had the two flats when we got together. It works for us, i love my own space. Don't worry about what other people think, it's your life. Most women think our arrangement sounds great, most men don't!

I think I'd do it.

Maybe more space would make everyone feel better.

You could also Air b&b the flat when you aren't in it, so it could pay its own way or at least cover some of its costs.

Really depends on how your husband reacts, and then how you feel about that reaction.

Sounds like you 'D'H has never tried to include you as part of the family. At first I thought YABU but after reading YANBU and you should go for it.

Sounds like bliss