What do you think about living together apart?

[PiellaLawson]

I'm wondering what you think of a situation I'm very seriously considering. I've changed my name as some details could identify me.

I am married, have no children of my own, DH has two with his ex-wife. DH and I live together in a property owned by his parents, an an only child he will inherit this property but for now it's his parents and we don't pay any rent (his parents are wealthy and don't want any rent).

We earn similar amounts of money, but because I don't pay any child maintenance and he does, I've been able to save a lot more than him. However, he will inherit a substantial sum one day, whereas I won't.

If I'm totally honest I would much rather have my own home and pay for it than live in my PIL's house rent free, this might sound daft but I am usually very independent and I don't really like this situation.

We have his children to stay with us three times a week, and this includes every other weekend. They are not young children and I don't have a special bond with them. There is certainly no hint of mistreatment before you jump on me, but they have two great parents, I don't need to be an extra parent to them. He has a good relationship with them and spends loads of time with them, usually without me on the weekends they are at ours. Everyone is happy with this.

My thoughts are that I would like to buy my own home and live in it, while still being married. I love my husband and don't want to split up. I just don't like our living arrangements. I thought if the rich and famous can do it (like Helena Bonham Carter), what stops normal working class people doing it too if they can afford it.

Of course if we did split he'd be entitled to half of it, I don't have any issue with that - it's not about finances, it's about space and being happy where you live. I'd pay the mortgage - it would also be a great retirement plan.

What do you think, AIBU?

Please don't make this a judgemental anti-step mum thread, I've put the details about my stepchildren in there as it is part of the equation. I don't need to be beaten up about not being a perfect stepmother.

Do you plan on having your own kids? Have you considered how that will work?
I can see pros and cons to both options but it can't hurt to have something to fall back on for yourself. X

I'd bet he's not going to like it. TBH I'd leave the 3 of them (and the in laws) to it and strike out on your own. I think you'd feel even more dissociated from your 'family' in your own place. Good luck.

The more I read the more I'm starting to doubt that moving out is going to be as good an idea as you think.

It feels like although you probably will appreciate your own space... perhaps the reason you feel the need for your own space is more that you don't 'belong' in your current home?

With respect to leaving money to your god children - you could just as easily buy an investment property to let out. And then draw up a will that states who will inherit what.

In the circumstances you describe I think it's an excellent idea. At the moment you can't think of the house as your own as it belongs to PiL, when your SDC are there you feel like a spare part and quite honestly your DH contributes to that feeling. He appears to be father first, husband second.

Before you go further you have to ask yourself how you would feel if this ultimately led to the end of your marriage. It doesn't have to but the chance is there.

I would hate to be in your current situation and would do it without hesitation.

You should 100% buy your own place for security. Perhaps it could be a holiday home type property that you can visit and/ or rent ou

Your new place would be a marital asset. Are you sure the in laws' place isn't held in trust for the kids?

OP could surely put her new place in trust for her godchildren if that’s the case?

I've known of people who have done this. One couple lived next door to each other. It works for them.

Personally I'd have a chat with your husband. I'd go for it in a heartbeat in your situation. Plus living apart could mean taking each other less for granted, although it sounds as if he does more of you than him. I couldn't live in a house I couldn't make my own stamp on.

I’m pretty sure Helena Bonham Carter and her husband split up. I wonder why!?

You have separate finances, now you want a separate house. It sounds like you don’t actually want a partnership with this man, more of a friendship?

I can see why you’d want somewhere to put your own stamp on etc but I couldn’t buy a house for myself away from my dh.
What I guess I might do in your position is but a “second home” for both of us but use it when he’s with his kids - in our case maybe a small cottage in the hills or by the beach (our main home is in a city). Is that an option?

I worry about your financial situation. You would piling huge amounts of YOUR money in to a property that your DH would technically own half of in the event of a separation. But you would potentially not get half or anything out of his assets. How does that leave you fixed for retirement should you split or should you need extra support as an elderly person.

I think I would resent the unfairness of this tbh. You might have been better off not marrying in the first place.

But I suppose that's not what you asked about.... Yes I dream of having a space of my own. If you are OK with the financial implications and it won't negatively impact your relationship go for it.

Its a bad ask for mumsnet. Given how healthily progressive I find the site and opinions on here, people are weirdly traditional and black and white thinking about relationships. There is more than one model of relationship and happy family living arrangements. It definitely can include living apart, despite what people may tell you on here. Discuss it and see what his thoughts are. I'd do what you are suggesting in a heartbeat if I were you!

Hi OP. I understand you wanting to own a property of your own, but I don't understand why you don't want to live with your husband. Though obviously, if you both agree, it's fine.

Me and DP are going to do this...live in the same town but I'll have a little flat and he'll keep his house. Mainly because I've never had a home of my own to decorate exactly how I like and I've never lived alone. But it also gives us the option to airbnb one or both places in the summer and makes some extra cash. We love being together but because if the way our relationship has developed (long periods apart because of work/travel etc) we're both quite independent. No DC obvs. We'll probably still spend most evenings together but it'll be so lovely having my own pad!

It would not surprise me if your DH's parents bypassed him in favour of the DC's. Just something to keep in mind. I'd buy your own place for investment or bolthole.

Would it be outright or mortgage?
I think married people can't purchase properties without it being a joint mortgage so I think it would be your joint second home in paper. That would give him equal rights over the property i.e. - who gets the money from it when you die (God or step children).
If I'm wrong, I might follow your lead - sounds like an excellent plan!!

@MsMeNz off topic but where do you holiday alone? I'd love to do this but am worried about being hassled, stuck with extorinate single supplement etc. I dream of alone time.

I couldn't do it. The thought of not my fiance not being there when I wake in the night or or days off routines etc. But if that's what you want then you should speak to your husband about it. Mind you a chance to keep saving a good amount is definitely a good thing.

dottypotter Thu 05-Mar-20 15:45:46
its up to you what you do. I would say it was more expensive and also there is more work to do with two homes.
......
That's true but I get the impression the op can afford it. I'm sure more people would do it if they could. If the op buys a flat, there will be less work involved than with a house and garden.

I don't know why so many are negative about this, no one is saying it is right for everyone but it does work for some. The op and her husband are mature enough to know what they want at this time and if it turns out not to suit them, they can revert to how things were.

Quite nice to have another place to go to and be in. Not every couple wants to live in each other's pockets and they don't have young children.

I loved my husband very much and he loved me but I always dreamed of having a bolt hole - I used think, "I wish I had somewhere to go!". It was my fantasy so I understand perfectly.

Whatever happens, a property is an investment.

Good luck op.

I think I would be questioning the relationship with DH in your situation @PiellaLawson. Do you go on holiday as a family at all? If the ‘kids’ haven’t come round to your situation yet they are never likely to or at least they could be well into their twenties by the time there is any sort of shift. Are you prepared to spend the next however long not being involved in so much of your DH’s life? What about when grand children come along would you not be able to be involved at all? That would be really difficult over time.

It’s a really difficult situation for everyone but the current status is probably not doing any of you any good. The kids are growing up thinking not including you is acceptable and DH is facilitating that. You don’t have to be another parent to them to spend time with them all. You could buy a property and rent it out for now knowing that if you need to you can move in in the future. Would suggest you look carefully at estate planning if you haven’t already done so - it can get complicated in situations like yours but presume you would like to avoid any money/property you have going to DH’s ex which as the mother of a minor could still happen in certain scenarios.

I have a 'me only' house that's full of all my choice of furniture and my books and music and I escapee to it when ever I need or want to. ( I'm here now ) It's in a much calmer and sunnier spot than the busy family home and I feel better when I'm here . DP does come over occasionally but knows it's my space and respects that . He's never spent the night here.

Works for us. If you can afford it and he can see why you need it then go for it . But do realise he might wonder why and this might lead to trust issues ?!

If your husband has no problem with this then YANBU and your marriage set up is the business of you two alone.

However, your posts really make me question your marriage and your feelings towards it & him (& the step children). I’m not judging you. I have SC myself and it’s been very, VERY hard for 20years. I’ve tried all angle’s & approaches over the years, from taking a full-on active role to sitting back and “living my own life” during the times DH is seeing them...and everything in between.
I’ve thought about my own space too...but honestly (& looking back now that they’re all grown up) that was escapism....it wasn’t marriage and what the whole point & essence of marriage is all about. And had I have done that, it would have killed the marriage.
Of course, we’re all different. But to me, it sounds like you don’t want a marriage anymore, but a part time boyfriend, without the commitment of his family issues (kids & parents).

I’d be thinking about that & my feelings & whether we still want the same things in life any more....

In some ways I quite like the idea.

However, not a chance would be having sleepovers at my husbands house or him at mine.

Honestly, I could not be arsed spending evenings, several a week, visiting people. People being my husband. I get in from work and want to relax. My dp wpuldnt want to spend several nights visiting me either.

We would both end up with stuff at eachothers houses to make it easier and essentially living together but in 2 places.

Given your husband wouldnt see you 3 times a week, I would imagine you would want to spend the other nights together.

Might work for you. You get space on the nights with his kids. But he is with his kids or having to visit you/having you over.

When me and dp werent together I would spend the nights my kids were with his dad at his. He only lived down the road. But I didnt want to move my stuff in. So I used to get up come home and get ready for work. Or he would do that. I didnt want his stuff here. If we were going to do that, we might as well live together.

It was a pain. My evenings were with my kids or having him over/home visiting. I couldnt go back to that.

But then again, I refuse to get married. When he moved in, i got legal advice and had papers drawn up so he cant claim on the property.

This just seems to me like 'separation lite'. For me, the relationship would slowly die. Because I wouldnt be going and visiting on nights I dont have my kids.

I think it's less about whether it's unreasonable to consider such an arrangement, but more about the reasoning behind such an arrangement. You've only been together for 6 years, and married for 3 did you say? And you've already got to the point where you're so uncomfortable with the living arrangements as they are that you're considering moving out.
At what point do you move back in? When your husband no longer sees his children? Because for the rest of their lives, your husbands children will be visiting the home, and at least for the foreseeable future will be sleeping over. If you move out now, you're fixing a long term problem with a short term solution.
You allude in your precious post to the fact that perhaps your DH isn't entirely blameless.

"it can feel like I'm being bullied by all three at times"

So your step children don't like you, that's hardly groundbreaking news. I think there's a hell of a lot more to this than you're giving away - and moving out of the marital home is arguably the beginning of the end.

I think this is a great idea. I've suggested something similar to DH before but he wouldn't go for it, thinks it's odd and it would never "work". He's old fashioned beyond belief and I know he was not thinking objectively and was just worrying about what people would think.

I always feel if my marriage ended or he died I would never live with a man again. There's a lot to be said for having your own space if you're the type of person who values that.

I imagine your DH won't take kindly to your suggestion though OP so be prepared for his ego to be bruised somewhat!