What do you think about living together apart?

[PiellaLawson]

I'm wondering what you think of a situation I'm very seriously considering. I've changed my name as some details could identify me.

I am married, have no children of my own, DH has two with his ex-wife. DH and I live together in a property owned by his parents, an an only child he will inherit this property but for now it's his parents and we don't pay any rent (his parents are wealthy and don't want any rent).

We earn similar amounts of money, but because I don't pay any child maintenance and he does, I've been able to save a lot more than him. However, he will inherit a substantial sum one day, whereas I won't.

If I'm totally honest I would much rather have my own home and pay for it than live in my PIL's house rent free, this might sound daft but I am usually very independent and I don't really like this situation.

We have his children to stay with us three times a week, and this includes every other weekend. They are not young children and I don't have a special bond with them. There is certainly no hint of mistreatment before you jump on me, but they have two great parents, I don't need to be an extra parent to them. He has a good relationship with them and spends loads of time with them, usually without me on the weekends they are at ours. Everyone is happy with this.

My thoughts are that I would like to buy my own home and live in it, while still being married. I love my husband and don't want to split up. I just don't like our living arrangements. I thought if the rich and famous can do it (like Helena Bonham Carter), what stops normal working class people doing it too if they can afford it.

Of course if we did split he'd be entitled to half of it, I don't have any issue with that - it's not about finances, it's about space and being happy where you live. I'd pay the mortgage - it would also be a great retirement plan.

What do you think, AIBU?

Please don't make this a judgemental anti-step mum thread, I've put the details about my stepchildren in there as it is part of the equation. I don't need to be beaten up about not being a perfect stepmother.

I don't think YABU to want this but I do think it could be the beginning of the end. So far all the power has been his: his house, his space, his kids. For you to move out shines a light on the issues in your relationship that, if not properly addressed already, will not be an easy thing for him to recognise.

I love the idea and am actually quite envious If something works for you then so be it. We waste so much time and miss out on so many opportunities worrying about what is 'the norm'.

Could you perhaps rent for 6 months and see how it works out, living separately? Like a trial period.

Two separate homes would be more expensive but if that's something that doesn't worry you too much then it's not an issue.

I think that's the thing. if it was a good marriage and you just both wanted your own space, it would probably work.

The fact is, you are moving out because you are deeply unhappy with the situation and marriage.

I think you need to be honest. Not with MN with yourself. I think you are moving out and saying it's being together, apart. But actually you want to leave him deep down. Maybe fears about divorce or a failed marriage is stopping you admitting it.

I think it could definitely work. It sounds like a good plan to me.

What part of 'Married' are posters missing. ?

If OP buys a house AND IS MARRIED then the property is a marital asset. It is also not hard for her DH to argue that she has only been able to 'save' sufficient funds to finance a home purchase for herself BECAUSE she lives rent free as a result of her PIL providing a home.
ALL OPs savings and property are MARITAL ASSETS and open to division on divorce.

Therefore if the OP wants to 'have a house to pass on' this will have to be done with agreement of the OPs DH in their Wills. However Wills can be changed. If OP is still married at the time of her death (if she dies first) then half of the value of her new property isn't even hers to 'pass on'.. half belongs to her DH.

Of course this works the same the other way round. If the PIL die and DH inherits.. the house is ALSO a marital asset (especially as it's the sole marital property at present) and also up for division should there be a divorce.

There is one thing to consider though.. that the PIL have not placed the property in trust to their grandchildren with their son to have a lifetime interest. This way the entire property goes to them but ensures you get no interest in it. If I was the grandparents, this is what I would do to ensure a daughter in law does not inherit and subsequently disinherit my grandchildren by leaving MY property to her own family..

So all in all Op marriage hasn't really benefited you. This is because you are the higher earner with the greater savings and no childcare costs. This is an unusual way round. As marriage is usually highly beneficial for the woman.

In your circumstances this arrangement can work for your living arrangements. But won't work for your desire to 'own something of your own and to leave you god children something'

I’m on the fence about this. I can totally see how lovely it would be to have your own space and somewhere that feels like your home. If my marriage ended, I don’t think I’d want to live with anyone again. I believe Toyah Wilcox and her husband live separately, and maybe also Helen Mirren and her husband, and they seem happy enough.

Personally, it wouldn’t work for me because I know it would damage my marriage. Not because of the amount of time we would or wouldn’t be spending together, but because we consider the other to be part of a family unit, having built a life together. And for us, that includes having a home together. Also, your plan of leaving property will be boshed in the event of divorce.

If your DH isn’t keen on separate residences, what about a compromise? Do something to make some of your current home into your own space.

It sounds like there are several issues here:
He lived in his parent's house with his ex. Then moved you in.
He focusses 100% on the kids when they come over to their old family home.
You feel like a spare part.
So your home is not your home and to exacerbate the situation, his kids feel the same way.
He feels comfy that he is living in a house that will be his eventually for which he pays no rent or mortgage.
The choices are clear. Either you buy somewhere together and the inlaws rent out their house, or you buy somewhere closer to your work and move in so that you get your home and he gets his space for the kids.
I think he is comfortable with the current arrangement and will not understand why you can't accept this. From a practical point of view, it makes sense to live rent free in a place that he and the kids consider home. However, emotions don't follow the rules and if you don't feel happy in your own home then things have to change. It is not your home, there are too many caveats.
Something has to give. The two options above make sense.

I am together but live apart from my DP - we've been together 7 years.

I totally value my own space so get why you are yearning for it and the reason why we have never co-habited is the dc. We both have dc, and he has his full time. The dynamic of step parenting is just so awful. I absolutely get your feelings of not belonging when they are around, and I think it is a rare thing indeed that this goes away completely. You are an outsider, there is something really basal about it.

In your position, I am pretty stuck to know what the right thing to do is. I think if you get your own place, things could deteriorate very quickly for you and your DH - you may have a view of how lovely it is to have your own space but none of us want to be alone all the time, so what commitments and routines would start happening? Isn't it just that you would probably end up visiting the current house anyway, and nothing has then really changed?

I think ideally you need your own marital home, one you have bought together. But the situation with the free house doesn't help that. So it's very complicated.

It probably all boils down to talking to your DH about how you feel about the current house and home. Is he even aware you feel like this?

OP, only you can make a decision about your preferred living arrangements. However, if this is more about building wealth and/or a pension pot for your own retirement and as an eventual inheritance for your godchildren,
have you thought about investing the money in a stock and bond portfolio? Since you don't pay rent and have extra savings each month, it sounds like you could be in a position to build a nice nest egg. In your shoes, I'd consult an IFA or an online asset manager and see what they said.

Close friend did just this when she inherited a reasonable sized property. Her marriage didn't last 18 months. Nobody was surprised apart from her.

@muddypuddles12

What about my posts has been precious?

We've 'only' been together for six years?? At what point does it stop being only? Six years is a long time if you're being mistreated by your husband's children. Your reply stinks of bitterness towards step mothers. Rather than attacking me, take a look at yourself!

@PiellaLawson don't worry about the 'only' comment - I had one the other day where someone told me it had to be at least double digits before you knew whether it'd work out long term

I'd do in a heartbeat OP.
You are securing your future and giving yourself a safe space for just YOU.
Why wouldn't you do it?

I have this arrangement with my partner. We lived together for the first 15 years of our relationship, and now we live just down the road from one another. We eat dinner and veg out in front of the TV together 2 or 3 times a week, and he sleeps over on Friday and Saturday night and goes home on Sunday evening. It works brilliantly for us. We are celebrating 35 years together with a civil partnership this year :)

TL;DR: It's brilliant and completely doable.

What about my posts has been precious?

To me it sounded like they mistyped and it should have said "previous" rather than precious? (I hope that's what happened anyway, your posts weren't precious)

Six years is a long time if you're being mistreated by your husband's children.

Then why do you want to be together living apart?

This is the point.

You could end up far worse off. You go buy a property. The marriage deteriorates further and he divorces you and gets half your property

You would be best just actually divorcing him.

Then buy a property and it's yours.

The marriage, isnt good. Its over. You want to leave, because you know you dont want the marriage.

These seems an easier way of getting out. I get that. But, this isnt being together but living apart. Its seperating because you arent happy

@Kawahara because she loves her husband and it's his almost-adult children that are the problem

I would buy a place for myself but maybe rent that out. if your dh leaves you, you leave with nothing. His parents own that house and I'm sure they would protect it for their kids.
I think the issue is that you are being treated badly by all of them . That's what you need to address.

I'm in a post-divorce relationship and even though he is lovely and kind I don't want to live with anyone again. I love my own space too much. We haven't discussed it but I assume he feels the same as he is currently buying his own flat
We're both introverts though.

It’s terrible to live in a place that you feel is not your home.

I wonder what would happen if he dies before his parents. I suspect you’d be left without a home at all.

Is there a way to buy a home and have it be entirely yours if things do not work out with him? I don’t usually think this way, but it sounds like you are not being treated properly as a wife and equal. Instead like you are second class to him and his children.

I do think living apart can work out for many people. I’m currently doing so because we are married, have two homes and are looking for one to consolidate.

Do it! I don't live with my partner and not planning on living with him after we marry and it's great!

Lots of people on here will find it strange though, but if it's the right thing for you do it.

Quite clearly that was a typo and I did in fact mean to say previous.

You say six years is a long time if you're being mistreated by your husbands children. Ok, so you've been being mistreated by your husbands children the entirety of your relationship - so why would you marry someone who's children are mistreating you?

This is not about bitterness towards step-parents (I have absolutely no experience in this area so contrary to what you're trying to imply, I have no bias either for or against), but you're asking AIBU about wanting to live separately from your husband because you don't like the current living arrangement, and my point is, you married the guy forever - and forever is a hell of a lot longer than 6 years

My husband and I did this when we first got married, although he got on well with my teenaged sons, the youngest was still at home, and we thought it was unfair to make him live with someone who wasn't a parent and who he hadn't chosen to live with, my husband kept his house which was nearer to his work, and lived there 3/4 days a week, but lived with me from Friday to Monday. It was marvellous and we both enjoyed the space, as we adjusted to married life. When my son went to university we sold husbands house and lived together full time. We both agreed it was great and we enjoyed our time together and our the apart.

After her children left home my DSis bought a flat near her place of work where she stayed during the week to save her from a long commute. DBiL joined her some weekends, and other weekends she went back to their house. They did that for a few years, then she retired and they sold the flat and their house and bought a bigger house.

So it's not unheard-of. But your situation sounds wrong to me. First of all, this inheritance thing. You have the right to leave whatever money you want to your godchildren, why wouldn't you? But it needs to be written in to your will, whether you buy a flat or not. Otherwise (as far as I know) your godchildren have no right to anything. What do your wills say? You do both have wills, don't you?

If they choose not to go out and are home, I'm not really part of it, always on the edges, so I could leave them all to it and enjoy my own place.

I would see DH all weekend on the opposite weekend, plus nights of our choice during the week.

This doesn't sound right at all. Surely part of the point of being his wife is that you are now included in most of his family time? I would expect him to spend some individual time with his children but the idea that you are left at home or on the edges all the time as standard, every other weekend and more, is much more like a girlfriend than a wife.

It is now my home with DH, but I've never made any of it my space if that makes sense.

It doesn't sound as if it is your home at all, and what you really want is a home of your own. You have moved in to his home, that's all.

And from a financial point of view if you are married then in the case of a spilt you would be entitled to a share of the flat, no matter whose money bought it. Same as you would co-own his house if he owned it, but he doesn't it belongs to his parents, so if he divorced you (or died) then you would have no share in it at all. Or am I wrong on that?

So I think you need to get some legal advice as well, whatever you decide to do or not. Because you could get royally shafted.

"And from a financial point of view if you are married then in the case of a spilt you would be entitled to a share of the flat, no matter whose money bought it."

I meant "...you would both be entitled to a share of the flat, no matter whose money bought it."