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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think about living together apart?

110 replies

PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 15:10

I'm wondering what you think of a situation I'm very seriously considering. I've changed my name as some details could identify me.

I am married, have no children of my own, DH has two with his ex-wife. DH and I live together in a property owned by his parents, an an only child he will inherit this property but for now it's his parents and we don't pay any rent (his parents are wealthy and don't want any rent).

We earn similar amounts of money, but because I don't pay any child maintenance and he does, I've been able to save a lot more than him. However, he will inherit a substantial sum one day, whereas I won't.

If I'm totally honest I would much rather have my own home and pay for it than live in my PIL's house rent free, this might sound daft but I am usually very independent and I don't really like this situation.

We have his children to stay with us three times a week, and this includes every other weekend. They are not young children and I don't have a special bond with them. There is certainly no hint of mistreatment before you jump on me, but they have two great parents, I don't need to be an extra parent to them. He has a good relationship with them and spends loads of time with them, usually without me on the weekends they are at ours. Everyone is happy with this.

My thoughts are that I would like to buy my own home and live in it, while still being married. I love my husband and don't want to split up. I just don't like our living arrangements. I thought if the rich and famous can do it (like Helena Bonham Carter), what stops normal working class people doing it too if they can afford it.

Of course if we did split he'd be entitled to half of it, I don't have any issue with that - it's not about finances, it's about space and being happy where you live. I'd pay the mortgage - it would also be a great retirement plan.

What do you think, AIBU?

Please don't make this a judgemental anti-step mum thread, I've put the details about my stepchildren in there as it is part of the equation. I don't need to be beaten up about not being a perfect stepmother.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 16:35

Secondly, it was his home with his ex wife and children and I think they see me as intruding on their space (the children). It is now my home with DH, but I've never made any of it my space if that makes sense.

Yeah it definitely does make sense. How do you think he would react to it?

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 16:39

I've tried to have a relationship with them, believe me I have, but it's been so hard. Their mother was and still is very hostile with no reason, we didn't even meet until several years after their separation. They are very possessive of their dad, which I sort of understand, but I'm not trying to get in the way. I did try to form a relationship with them but after a very long time trying I gave it up as a bad job.

OP posts:
speakout · 05/03/2020 16:40

The first rue of relationships is.

  1. There are no rules.

I totally understand your view and would probably feel the same in your position.
It makes sense to live apart,and you can still have a deep strong relationship- why not?

OH and I have separate bedrooms- on the rare occassion I tell people about that I get lots of warnings about lack of intimacy/slippery slope/he'll be off elsewhere.

But they don't know our relationship- nor do their views count.

If you and your OH are happy with any arrangements then do it.

katy1213 · 05/03/2020 16:42

It's a wonderful idea if you can afford it. Your husband can visit - you'll be childfree - what's not to like! I'm guessing he'll have a heap more housework and you'll have a lot less!
How did you live before you were married? It must be terribly hard to give up independence to live with someone else's children. Go for it - you're a wife, not a housekeeper.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 16:43

@PiellaLawson How old are they now/where they when you met?

You definitely need your own place, to decorate how you like and have your own spaces for things and just feel like it's yours to invite guests to etc

AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 16:44

I'm guessing he'll have a heap more housework and you'll have a lot less!

Really good point

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 16:46

Before we lived together I had my own rented apartment, I loved it! I had my own space. At that time I dreamed of happy families where we all played games together and spent weekends skipping in the park (irony), it wasn't until we'd lived together for probably three years that I gave up on my idea that we'd ever have a family type relationship. I don't mean that I expected a heavenly step parenting relationship, but simple polite cordiality would be a start. I'm digressing off the main subject here, but the fractured step family is definitely a factor in my decision making.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/03/2020 16:49

If I really wanted an investment I’d buy a place and rent it out. To me it sounds like lunacy to pay a mortgage if I didn’t have to. I would be very assertive about making the current house mine, though. Complete redecoration and refurnishing would definitely be on the cards.

MsMeNz · 05/03/2020 16:50

I would carefully think about what exact problems you are trying to solve here a technique for this is ask why and why and why again and you should get to root of the problem, and then think of new ways to address those problems so coming up with various alternative things that could address those problems. Often we jump straight to solutions and see that as the only way. I think once you have down that exercise you may have more things to talk about with your DH and it will come as less of a blow to want to move out.

As I think most partners would take it as an insult or a shock or a step towards separation but slowly... Unless you have already discussed this in the past and it won't be a shock. I certainly think all kinda of relationships can and do work and this could be fine for some couples I just don't want you to jump into that think that's the only way to address the root problem which I'm not sure you have articulated exactly yet? Is it lack of control on fiance's or not feeling like this is your home too and you are but a long term guest? Worried about legacy after death of your assessments? Being introverted and just purely about space? All of those things could have various solutions. Good luck!
If it helps I insist on holidaying alone once a year for a week or two despite have 3 DC and married. I insist on just being me with no commitments for just that. They can have me the other 51 weeks of the year!

GoddessArtemis · 05/03/2020 16:53

I don't mean this to sound nasty, but it sounds like your husband has forgotten you exist. It sounds like you don't get much out of the relationship Flowers

GoddessArtemis · 05/03/2020 16:55

I think you should do what makes you happy.

NurseButtercup · 05/03/2020 16:56

It doesn’t really matter what we think it’s what your husband thinks about the idea.

This

Dozer · 05/03/2020 16:58

Sounds like there isn’t much in this relationship for you, and that moving out would make sense, relationship will most likely end.

dottiedodah · 05/03/2020 16:58

I dont know really .On one hand would make sense to have some personal space for you .On the other would DH feel upset do you think ? I get that Step families are difficult at times ,but being together and trying to work things out may be better in the long run .What happens when they grow up and are not with DH as much .Sounds like he lets them get away with a lot ,but as a Step parent its not a walk in the park either ! Maybe talk to him and see what he says ,he may think you dont want to live with him any more !

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 16:59

The step children are aged 16 and 19! Yes, I know one is an adult and the youngest isn't exactly a child. So you can imagine it very much feels like I'm a visitor in my own home when they're here. It sounds a bit dramatic but it can feel like I'm being bullied by all three at times.

They were 10 and 13 when we met and it's never been easy.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 05/03/2020 17:00

Quite honestly I'd do that in a heartbeat but there s no way I'd get married.
Marriage in a situation like this is an easy way to lose your home and everything you have saved for.
Why not just stay engaged? Marriage is just a certificate, it means nothing.
If you must get married please to God get yourself a pre-nup. It all seems rosy now but I've been burnt twice and I can tell you losing half your home and having to give up early retirement for retirement over 70 is no joke at all.
Above all use your head and be ruthless. This is your future. You might not care now but you will if anything happens.
I thought my 2nd husband was my soulmate for life. Unfortunately he didn't.

rosieposies · 05/03/2020 17:02

As a stepmother in a blended family I can see your point completely, and my step son accepts me fully, so I can't imagine the difficulty in living in a home that doesn't even feel like yours.

My dad and stepmother live separately. They've been together 20 years and drive each other nuts but adore each other and can't be without one another - they both have independent lives and see each other 3 nights a week and go on lovely long holidays and it's works very well. Everyone just accepts it.

We don't live to live our lives by society's claustrophobic and outdated standards - it's 2020! Do what you feel is best for you and your husband.

Oblomov20 · 05/03/2020 17:02

Well it's certainly unusual. I wonder what he'd think of it? Your'll have to ask him.

If I had the money, I'd have a place to escape to, from Dh and Ds's!!

But seriously I think there are bigger issues here! The living with parents, not owning your own property, not being married, not seeing him when step children are there. This is very complex.

TheresGonnaBeARain · 05/03/2020 17:03

This would be my preference too in terms of living arrangements. I don’t think YABU at all.

Original poster
PiellaLawson · 05/03/2020 17:05

We are married.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/03/2020 17:05

If you must get married please to God get yourself a pre-nup

That ship’s already sailed, they’re already married.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 17:10

So you can imagine it very much feels like I'm a visitor in my own home when they're here. It sounds a bit dramatic but it can feel like I'm being bullied by all three at times.

That's really awful OP, I think maybe you should do it, with the view of re evaluating your relationship from a distance. The two "kids" are too old now to have excuses made for them, you got together when they were an awkward age but it seems like your DH allowed them to push you out, that's not nice at all

Ragwort · 05/03/2020 17:11

How long have you been married? And, being totally blunt, how important is it to you that you stay married?

I think you situation is currently very difficult with both the fact that the marital home is not 'your' home and the SC situation.

I can completely understand that you would like the peace and quiet of your own home & lifestyle (and to know that the value will pass to your Godchildren) ................ but could this eventually end your marriage - and would that bother you? Only you can answer that.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2020 17:17

I think your husband has let you down here.

He's moved you into his family home - have you decorated? Made it yours at all?

Has he done anything to facilitate a relationship between you and his children?

It's great that he's a devoted father but that seems to be completely at your expense. You don't need to be 'stepmum' but part of the family would be nice.

I think yours is a good plan but if he doesn't try and include you with the children then I honestly think it could be a path to the end.

Itscoldouthere · 05/03/2020 17:27

I think it may be difficult to explain to your DH, but I can see exactly how you feel and to be honest I think that it sound like you are fitting around everyone else’s requirements and not getting much back in return.
If a space of your own works for you, I would do it, especially if you can afford to. I would imagine you could work something out (in a will?) to ensure that your property went to your godson.
I think a lot depends on your DH and if he supports the idea or feels like you are making roads to leave him.