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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is fair financially?

402 replies

AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:34

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

OP posts:
UYScuti · 05/03/2020 13:28

He won on the basis he apparently thought he been contributing towards my small mortgage
😳😲😳
That seems totally unfair, he was awarded HALF OF YOUR HOUSE just for contributing towards a small mortgage?

LaLaLaLa22 · 05/03/2020 13:31

I would continue to live separately - really what's the benefit to living together for you?

Bbang · 05/03/2020 13:33

God is snap your hand off for that kind of offer! I’d love to be able to save £450 per month! I think it’s a good deal and he should take it

CatteStreet · 05/03/2020 13:33

I think 'fair' would be half the bills (is 175 the total bills or would it be his half?) and a third of your mortgage (so he is making a contribution, but not half, to reflect the fact he doesn't accrue any rights in your property iyswim), and you split food shop roughly proportionate to your income.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 13:38

The rental value of my house is about £1k pcm so if we rented this place together 50:50 he would be paying £675 per month half rent plus half bills.

I am not going to rent out my place to get a rental with him. Far too risky for my security and I like it here.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2020 13:39

Yanbu at all. What you are proposing seems fair. I have also read the comments from people saying women are advised something different in these circumstances. If there were a massive disparity between incomes or if this were something you were proposing to so do for the next decade it would be unfair. As is you are anticipating to buy a property together if living together is successful.

On that note as a pp has already said, protect your asset when you do by put together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2020 13:40

...when you do buy together. (Not by put)

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 13:40

@CatteStreet your calculation would come out as £375 so not far off what I'm asking.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/03/2020 13:42

I don't think your argument is wrong, but if I were in your boyfriend's position I wouldn't give up my secure rental to live somewhere with someone (male or female) where I could be made homeless on their whim. I'd happily pay market rent for that security.

Beansandcoffee · 05/03/2020 13:42

He isn’t paying towards your mortgage.
He is paying a contribution towards the cost of living in your house which covers among other things, bills and mortgage. He is being tight and it is worrying at this stage. My ex P was renting at £800 month for a room in a house in London and jumped at the chance to move in with me at £400 all in. I wasn’t at a loss and neither was he and infact both of us gained by the proposal.

glasgowLil · 05/03/2020 13:43

He should pay half of the mortgage and bills. That’s what I did when I moved in with my now husband. Any other way and you will feel resentful.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 13:44

£400 is not paying half the mortgage though, that's the point. It's contributing to bills and living expenses.

Why should the OP be financially penalised because she is not renting? That's completely bonkers.

CatteStreet · 05/03/2020 13:44

Yes (I wasn't sure if 175 was all or half the bills, though I assumed the latter) - I think your amount is fair. Do you think you might explain it to him like that - so not 'what my lodger paid', but rather 'a third of the mortgage - because you are living in my house but I recognise you're not gaining any interest in it at this stage'? Does he know how much your mortgage is?

CatteStreet · 05/03/2020 13:45

*obv 'roughly a third of my mortgage'. Or some such wording.

RaininSummer · 05/03/2020 13:46

Lodger rates. Anything ekse is unfair i think but if you stay together long term he will benefit ulimately too as you will have saving I suppose. If he pays less and then you do split , you lose out on your lodger income .

RaininSummer · 05/03/2020 13:49

Also , this is not payment towards your mortgage. Make that clear. I have a lodger who pays 100 a week btw and realises that is the going rate for a nice house and he doesnt get to share my bed.

wehaveafloater · 05/03/2020 13:49

I'd offer to help him look for a nice flat. I don't think this bodes well for a relationship. Sorry on app so can't vote !

ThePants999 · 05/03/2020 13:52

Anyone who was good "move in together" material would be looking for a win-win solution that benefits both of you. Paying less than his current rent is a win for him, so you've already checked that box. For you to get the same income you'd get from a lodger, while living with your boyfriend instead of a lodger, is a win for you. So £400 (or even £450!) sounds like a great solution to me.

I'm very concerned that the crux of his argument basically seems to be that he doesn't want YOU to get anything out of this arrangement. Obviously that's not how he's thinking about it, but that's really what he's saying whether he means to or not - he's objecting to you benefitting from him, while being happy to benefit from you. That's a big red flag to me.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 13:55

@HeckyPeck Mortgage is an investment, rent isn’t. I wouldn’t ask a partner moving in with me to contribute to any investmentments that were in my sole name.

I suppose the difference as I see it is that:
A) Housing is a tangible benefit as well as an investment. He gets to live in a nice house as opposed to paying into, say, shares I own that give him nothing.
B) With him moving in and not wanting a lodger, I lose income I would otherwise have through his choices.

OP posts:
alliwantisabitofpeace · 05/03/2020 13:55

I often get told my practicality of the way i do things and think is cold too OP...

Talking finances and such is not romantic but you have to prepare for the worst and protect what you have. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I think you are right and that amount is more than reasonable. He needs to have a rethink about what the money actually will go towards. Bills, living in a larger space, maintenance and building repairs (or will he pay half towards a boiler breakdown!) etc. I would also have a talk about what would have if you or he decided it was not working and what the expectations would be if you were to split.. ie could he take a spare room for a month to give him time to get somewhere sorted and move out..

Its good to be practical!

MrKlaw · 05/03/2020 13:56

You seem happy to continue with a lodger for now. He is the one that doesn't want a lodger.

So can you frame things as - he isn't paying 'rent' - he's paying off the lodger costs which you're happy to keep on, and require to support the mortgage (because you want to be able to save towards a better house etc - doesn't matter you can afford to pay it, its money your savings plans are based around)

cstaff · 05/03/2020 14:00

This would put me off someone tbh. The fact that he is paying a fraction of what he is paying on his own, to live somewhere that he wants to live and doesn't want to pay what is fair would really turn me off him. I would suggest that he keeps up his place and you keep your lodger. That way you are both happy and can see each other when you like, stay over at each others place when you like and neither of you is losing out financially except he is by refusing your very generous offer.

ThePants999 · 05/03/2020 14:07

Another point of view: he's happy for some random landlord to have their mortgage partially paid by his rent, but not if it's his girlfriend. WTF?

Xenia · 05/03/2020 14:07

You should see a solicitor before he moves in - just pay for an our's appointment. You need to ensure he does not have constructive trust rights through his contribution - eg paying for food would not be likely to result in that but paying part of the mortgage might even if all in your name. Ideally have a solicitor draw up a cohabitation agreement.

Might might more sense that you keep the lodger and he buys his own place as he feels he can and then when and if you do marry and have children at that point you can change things.

Derbee · 05/03/2020 14:10

Point out to him what you’ve said here.

If he rented your flat with someone, he’d pay £675. You’re asking £400. So he’s better off. He’s also better off than he is in his current living arrangement.

If he’s not happy to pay the £400, he keeps paying whatever he’s paying at his place, and you keep your lodger.

Basically, he buys your lodger out for £400 a month, or he stays where he is.