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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is fair financially?

402 replies

AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:34

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

OP posts:
ruralliving19 · 05/03/2020 12:48

My experience from living with my ex-husband who is autistic is that autism can exhibit itself in what seems like CF behaviour but doesn't have the CF motivation behind it. For a relationship to work however, you have to be able to talk openly about how the autistic person feels, how the non-autistic person feels and there has to be a willingness on both sides to find compromises, otherwise one or both partners will be unhappy. My ex and I couldn't do that - hence we are exes.

gingersausage · 05/03/2020 12:52

It just all sounds a bit cold and unemotional. Surely you move in with someone because you want to be with them. This is all a bit try-before-you-buy.

I agree with @VirtualHamster that there have been several threads with the sexes reversed where women have been told time and time again to never ever contribute a single penny to a house that they don’t own, as their scheming boyfriend is obviously going to scam them for their money and then eventually kick them out and leave them penniless, so I’m not sure why it’s so different in this situation.

Moving in a boyfriend but treating him like a lodger just seems weird to me. The OP can get rid of him at any point and won’t lose anything ultimately. Her equity is safe and she can move in another lodger within days. Obviously no one can expect to live rent free, but there again I would be incredibly wary of anyone paying towards my house having some sort of future claim on it.

agentnully · 05/03/2020 12:54

I haven't read all the posts but I have been in a crap position with an ex years ago who moved in with me, contributed then when we broke up he took me to court for half my home (which I'd bought off my parents). He won on the basis he'd apparently thought he'd been paying towards my small mortgage.

Please be careful, OP. Just make sure that whatever you accept from him won't put you in the same position as I was in the future.

Oh, and I agree - at least what you'd charge a lodger.

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 12:54

Always a tricky one!

NewNameGuy · 05/03/2020 12:54

About 450 a month is cheap living

Ellisandra · 05/03/2020 12:58

@gingersausage what’s wrong with try before you buy though? Very wise.

Waveysnail · 05/03/2020 12:59

Half of your Bill's plus some for wear tear on house so £450. Also agree to set up two savings accounts in your own names to save a set amount each month so can be used towards new property if required

Tighnabruaich · 05/03/2020 12:59

His way would mean him better off by £625 a month and you would be worse off by £225! How is that fair?

This

RandomLondoner · 05/03/2020 13:03

I had an argument with someone I lived with many years ago. My mortgage was paid off. They thought that as I had no monthly payment, that mean they should have free accommodation. Their thought process was, there's no monthly payment, therefore the housing costs nothing, I'm some sort of con artist for expecting them to pay for something that is free.

I had sold shares to pay of the mortgage. In an unsuccessful effort to make them understand that the size of my mortgage payment could be a completely arbitrary side-effect of my personal financial decisions, that bore no relation to the size of the benefit they were obtaining, I asked if they would pay a share of the mortgage if I took out a new mortgage and reinvested the money. They immediately said no, but couldn't see that in saying that they they were invalidating their own (stupid) rule!

This person was a qualified lawyer who worked in finance for an investment bank, but somehow managed to not have any understanding of finance or logic when such understanding would lead to a result that wasn't in their interest. I don't mean they were being consciously dishonest, they genuinely believed in their position.

foodandwine89 · 05/03/2020 13:06

Bottom line - he will be much better off and you will be worse off. And he's happy with that. I'd say you're not ready to move in together.

Money splits up a lot of couples, rightly so, it's the source of a lot of stress. You work hard for your money, he can just up and leave with his massive savings leaving you with a lot less than you should have. PROTECT YOURSELF!!!

userxx · 05/03/2020 13:06

@agentnully How long were you with him for? This scares the life out of me.

friendineed · 05/03/2020 13:08

He is being a twat

foodandwine89 · 05/03/2020 13:10

Society teaches women that they should be caring and selfless which is why so many of us get screwed over and over and over. Why are you feeling guilty? He's a grown ass fucking man, he needs to pay his way.

Derbee · 05/03/2020 13:10

He should pay £400, and you should share the cost of groceries.

Anything else, and you’ll have trouble with him in the future. If he’s funny about money now, it’ll only get worse as you both start earning more/having more equity/buy somewhere/maternity leave etc etc.

If he can’t be fair now, dump him and run.

Alsohuman · 05/03/2020 13:12

@agentnully, what an awful thing to happen to you. Your solicitor must have been shit.

HillAreas · 05/03/2020 13:15

So to summarise...
You would lose money from the lodger but at the same time not gain any savings in reduced council tax electric etc. so end up worse off because of his presence by several hundred pounds per month.
Meanwhile his living costs plummet and he gets to live in a better home than he could afford on his own, too.
How is his selling this to you OP? What does he think you have to gain from this? Is he that good in bed? I don’t understand how he can think it’s acceptable for you to lose out while he gains so much.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 13:18

My experience from living with my ex-husband who is autistic is that autism can exhibit itself in what seems like CF behaviour but doesn't have the CF motivation behind it. For a relationship to work however, you have to be able to talk openly about how the autistic person feels, how the non-autistic person feels and there has to be a willingness on both sides to find compromises, otherwise one or both partners will be unhappy.

This feels very relevant. I need to be able to make myself understood and he needs to make effort to understand me.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2020 13:18

I think he’s being a bit unreasonable but I sort of see where he’s coming from. There are lots of ways of looking at it. But his proposal has him benefiting in a net financial way and you losing out, while your proposal leaves you both better off, so I would be really cautious about going ahead.

I kind of see his point about it not seeming right that you are.building up equity in your house at his expense, but he seems to be ignoring the fact his living with you will allow him to build up savings at your expense (since you forgo the extra rent you’d get from a lodger). Would he be OK with, as a PP suggested, paying an amount that was roughly the interest part of the mortgage payment (though look into what might be considered him gaining an interest in your home)?

An alternative is for you to rent you place out and the two of you find somewhere together and split costs on the new place..

I might make up a spreadsheet that shows the various options (the ones above, him moving in, renting storage and you keeping the lodger, any others you can think of) with the way it affects both your financial positions to make it clear he seems to be angling for the one choice that would leave you worse off and him better off.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 13:20

For a relationship to work however, you have to be able to talk openly about how the autistic person feels, how the non-autistic person feels and there has to be a willingness on both sides to find compromises, otherwise one or both partners will be unhappy.

So exactly like any other relationship then Hmm

Potkettlexx · 05/03/2020 13:22

He should contribute to all the joint bills other than the mortgage. Both pay your own bills ie petrol, phobe etc...

You’re going to get that money back when you sell it (if you don’t that’s not his fault. If you do then it will go on to form part of your equity that he can’t touch anyway, ie you will be the only beneficiary)

Also he isn’t a lodger so shouldn’t be treated as one as it’s a different set up. Having a lodger isn’t ideal and the only reason people do is to help them financially.

He’s your boyfriend so presumably he will ring some happiness!

Not sure how you work it out but the fairest was in my view is for everything other than the mortgage/house insurance to be halved as again you will benefit from the sale of house.

HeckyPeck · 05/03/2020 13:22

why should the OP pay the biggest expense of all, which is the property? Would it be fair not to contribute to rent? Of course not, so what's the difference?

Mortgage is an investment, rent isn’t. I wouldn’t ask a partner moving in with me to contribute to any investmentments that were in my sole name.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 13:24

It just all sounds a bit cold and unemotional. Surely you move in with someone because you want to be with them. This is all a bit try-before-you-buy.

I have been thought of as cold in the past. I am a capable and practical person and like things to be properly planned and discussed. I am of the view that figuring out stuff like finances, housework etc in advance can save a lot of potential arguments and heartache later on. Like I said, I lived with a man for years who never paid his way or did much housework so I don't want to be in that scenario again.

I realise this might make me seem uptight/controlling/cold etc.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 05/03/2020 13:25

@HillAreas - what you said.

This guy is a potential cocklodger extraordinaire. He must be thinking Christmas and Easter have come all at once.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: financial compatibility is equally if not more important than sexual compatibility. You can always find another lover, but if you've been taken advantage of with regard to money, the repercussions can ultimately last a lifetime.

nickname302 · 05/03/2020 13:25

It's not reasonable for him to not want to live with a lodger and not supplement that lost income himself.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 05/03/2020 13:28

YANBU.

He can either pay someone else's mortgage via rent, or he can pay yours. Either way he has to pay for the roof over his head. Assuming he's in it for the long term, contributing to your mortgage repayments via rent will benefit him as you'll have a bigger deposit to put on a future house.