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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is fair financially?

402 replies

AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:34

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 05/03/2020 17:29

It seems that the scenarios play out like this:

  1. Your preferred scenario = he wins (halves his rent/bills), you win (no drop in income)
  1. His preferred scenario = he wins big (zero rent/much lower bills), you lose (drop in income from lodger)

So he prefers a scenario where he wins big but you lose, to a scenario where you both win? Tells you everything you need to know about him, doesn't it?

MaybeNew · 05/03/2020 18:00

I can’t get over the idea that he thinks you should literally pay for the pleasure of his company and that he should be paid for living with you. Time to find a new DP.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/03/2020 18:04

When women in your boyfriends situation post on here they are advised to absolutely not pay rent as it's paying off someone else's asset which is of no benefit to them. They are advised to pay half of bills/food etc but no rent.

Based on this I would say YABU.

sunfloweryy · 05/03/2020 18:09

I voted YABU because he is your partner not a lodger and you are obviously envisioning a future together as you mention buying a place together.

I would split all bills and household expenses down the middle and you continue to pay the mortgage. However I would be expecting him to save an absolute shedload to contribute to your new shared house as his expenses will be lower!

champagneandfromage50 · 05/03/2020 18:10

I have never saw a thread suggesting a woman doesn't contribute any rent when moving in with a DP. I have seen many where the man expects the woman to lose UC and have a drop in income for the privilege and the man expects her to pay half of everything. Advice there is usually not to move in. This is very different. He will be making a monthly saving of around 400 by moving in with OP with her proposal and let's not forget he is insisting the lodger goes also which is a loss to the OP.

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 18:43

he wants you to get rid of the lodger!!Shock
ooohh no, dont do that, dont back down, doubledown, you need to DOUBLEDOWN and get TWO lodgers
ha, there's mud in his eye!!

FluffyWhiteCloudsFloatBy · 05/03/2020 18:45

Just a little something to add to the discussion of whether or not he should be paying off your mortgage. If you’re mortgage is £600 a. Month, presumably at this stage £200-300 of that is made up of interest payments, so one way of seeing it is that his contribution wouldn’t be paying off the capital you have borrowed from the bank, just the interest, which is like the rent you pay the bank.
Also definitely get a legal agreement drawn up to make it clear that he doesn’t have any claim to the house.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2020 18:48

I am in no rush to move in. He is the one who would like it to be sooner rather than later.

Well, YES! That's because he will be the sole beneficiary.

Thickums · 05/03/2020 20:13

If you were to take your offer off the table completely amd say you wanted to continue living seperately, i would bet he would suddenly quickly agree to £400 pm and suddenly be all rational as thats an amaziny deal!!

Hes trying to negotiate an already amazing deal that will see him hundreds of pounds better off!! On that basis alone i would dump him. How insulting. He should be jumping for joy at your generosity not trying to bloody haggle you Shock

Also, be careful that if he does agree to 400pm he doesn't use it as a stick to neat you with. You don't want him bringing it up im arguments or making snide comments about how 'rich' you are and skint he is. I can bet you bottom dollar that will happen.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 20:51

The % of LTB posts has been relatively low which is unusual for MN.[ grin]

OP posts:
Brown76 · 05/03/2020 20:59

I didn't charge my partner any rent when they moved in with me, just half bills. They took no ownership in my property. However in your situation you are losing out by getting rid of the lodger at his request, therefore I would charge £175 bills, 50% of groceries and he should compensate you £225 per month for the loss of lodger income. That should appeal to his logical mind Smile

stoplickingthetelly · 05/03/2020 21:02

Of course he should pay £400. At the moment he pays rent and bills. Why should he essentially live rent free just because it’s your house? And as for paying your rent that is what he’s doing for his landlord now. You are right he is wrong.

JMKid · 05/03/2020 21:08

You are definitely not in the wrong here. My ex moved into my nice, all renovated, paid for by my lovely parents, a few months before I even moved in. I had only loved there about 6 months myself. He refused to pay any rent as why should he wasnt a lodger and wasnt going to pay towards my mortgage. Wish I had kicked him out there and then or done as you are and worked out finances before he moved.

PotteryLady · 05/03/2020 21:13

Hamburger

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/03/2020 21:21

With him moving in and not wanting a lodger, I lose income I would otherwise have

And that's exactly why he should make up what you'd lose through the lodger going - you could always save it and ise it for your future together if this works out

I agree, though, that he shouldn't be "seen" to be contributing to the mortgage; it's not fair on him as you could ask him to leave at any time, and you certainly don't want to risk creating a claim on the house

I'll say this though - you've got your head thoroughly screwed on!! If only everyone could take your very sensible view ...

BlueChangling · 05/03/2020 21:38

When I was 16 I was paying my mum £50pw week keep and that was for the pleasure of sharing a box room with my big sis. I was only earning £210pw at that stage.

£175pm = £40pw.... I think your partner is a chancer and his attitude would be raising a red flag for me.

Miniwinnie · 05/03/2020 21:40

Yanbu as £450 per month is a reasonable amount. Also it’s not about you making a profit it’s about him paying his way.

cordeliavorkosigan · 05/03/2020 21:41

Not surprised he wants to move in sooner -- he gets free housing at your expense, and his "inflexible" thinking/ ASD is set up as an acceptable rationale for him getting what he wants.

I think the risk is that he says what you need to hear now, then he moves in, takes over your lodger space, and somehow doesn't end up actually paying because he "doesn't want to contribute to your mortgage". Now you can't get a lodger, you're out of pocket, and he's in.

Whatsername177 · 05/03/2020 21:44

Your way saves him £450 per month. Perfectly fair.

HeckyPeck · 05/03/2020 21:45

I suppose the difference as I see it is that:
A) Housing is a tangible benefit as well as an investment. He gets to live in a nice house as opposed to paying into, say, shares I own that give him nothing.
B) With him moving in and not wanting a lodger, I lose income I would otherwise have through his choices.

I still wouldn’t want to charge a partner rent (definitely not market rent!) as they aren’t getting any security or even their own bed. It would just just feel wrong to me.

Re point B though I do agree. If I’m working it out rightly though. You’ll lose £400pcm from lodger money and he’ll pay half of joint bills which is £175 without mortgage/food? So I’d think it would be fair for him to pay the difference so you’re not losing out.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 21:53

I reckon the below market rent, enabling him to save extra per month, makes up for the lack of security. Legally, my lodger has v little security as well.

He would also be choosing to share my bed. His bed would go in the spare room with his extra furniture while my spare bed stays packed away. He could choose to stay in his bed if he wished although I would be unhappy if he chose to sleep separately all the time just to get his moneys worth.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 05/03/2020 22:00

OP, it really worries me to hear that he says things like you have all the power, are trying to be too independent, are trying to protect yourself from him- all those sound like him trying to make you feel cruel and push your boundaries down. No sensible adult expects to live rent free, and if he really cared he wouldn’t want you to be out of pocket. Please take care of yourself

OneTimePrepper · 05/03/2020 22:05

So you want him to pay a portion of the mortgage for YOUR house as well as splitting all the food and living costs? Sorry, have to disagree there unless you are going to add him to the title deeds.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 22:12

He would pay his share of living expenses. It's completely irrelevant if the OP pays rent or mortgage.

Especially when you talk about £400 a month.

woodn · 05/03/2020 22:14

It doesn't matter about what you have in writing unless you go through a legal document to prevent him having interest. In which case you will face implications of 1) him being a lawful lodger and having those rights 2) your mortgage may now allow it and 3) charging under market rent is also an issue!!

Please check these things first!