What is fair financially?

[AmIbeingtoomean]

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

YANBU!!

Rather 'cold-hearted and sensible' than a fool OP.

You're in danger of repeating previous behaviour (with your ex). I note he can't drive either so that's another drain on you as I expect he'll anticipate you teaching him and then using your car.

He's not paying your mortgage he's paying board/rent/lodgings, as he would ANYWHERE ELSE. To do otherwise would be freeloading.

Tell him to stay where he is and carry on paying his £850. What an idiot.

If he pays you towards this, he could have a right in your property if you break up.

Have you actually thought of this from a legal perspective?
Are you paying tax on your current rental income / would you? (Currently would be RAR scheme)

Best case scenario for him: He moves in, lodger moves out, he uses the spare room for his stuff, he pays no rent.

Worst case scenario for you: He moves in, lodger moves out, he uses the spare room for his stuff, he pays no rent.

Put yourself first, OP!

I don't need to pay tax under the rent a room scheme.

I would make sure we had something in writing (even a whatsapp message) where we agreed no claim on the house.

Be should pay market rent. If he pays more then you're profiting from it. If he pays less he's profiting from it.

Thanks everyone. I am mostly reassured IANBU and will ensure I give him 3 options.

1. He moves in and replaces lost lodger income plus food and housework split.
2. He moves in and pays a contribution toward bills only. Lodger stays. We split food and housework.
3. He doesn't move in.

I won't buy with him without living together first. I am quite risk averse but I don't see why I should compromise if he won't.

Anyone can delete a WA message.

Seriously, why do you want to do this? You realise you're being conned, don't you? We're all telling you that.

I already told him to go away and have another think about his position after he raised it yesterday so I'll wait and see what he comes back with.

I am in no rush to move in. He is the one who would like it to be sooner rather than later.

Good call @AmIbeingtoomean.

Women are often advised differently because they post about moving in with a bf when the have very different income, have children and are expected to fulfill household duties as well as contribute 50%.

In these cases the advice is to protect their income, which they often lose as a result of moving in and ensure they have savings in case they need to move out urgently.

Any woman or man who is being offered a home for £400 is not being ripped off.

I read only page 1 and found this so ridiculous I had to post: is he so thick that he doesn’t understand that paying 400 a month ( which asOP says is market rent) is not going towards her mortgage, but actually paying rent? Which he would pay anyway if he were living with a different landlord??? The OP has equity in her house and the mortgage anount reflects this- even if she had 0 equity she’s tied up to an illiquid asset .. it’s always easier to rent and not buy..

How old are you both OP?

Your proposed idea is good imo - lets see what he says.

Both 30. Both secure employment with potential for further career growth. Both child-free.

YANBU

You'd be losing the lodger income because that's what he wants - £450
If you rented the house and split it 50:50 he'd be paying £500
So £400 is pretty generous, TBH (and he's paying way more than that to rent somewhere grotty!)

No way can the situation be that you're worse off and he benefits massively, as he proposes. Him even proposing that is a red flag for me. In his position I wouldn't even suggest that. Would you?

The ASD might not be all that relevant here. I know everyone's different, but I know two people with ASD and I know they would go straight to the raw numbers and consider the emotional side to be the indecipherable/irrelevant bit.

Maybe he's a bit more extreme and lacks the empathy to consider your financial position? If so, I guess ASD would be the cause, but again - regardless of the reason why he is getting it so wrong, that's a big red flag.
Or it could be like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm - yes he is autistic, but that's incidental and he also happens to be an arsehole?

Not saying he is. But he might be. I think the best idea is to stick to what you've already said (which is very fair) - then I think you will find out if he really is an arsehole or not.

If you cave in, you simply won't find out.

Are you sure he will be able to use the help to buy isa scheme to buy a house with someone who is not a first time buyer? Those schemes, as far as I know, are for first time buyers only.

Yanbu at all fwiw

@user1493413286 If he has never owned a property before he is a first time buyer so can use the ISA.

You sound really sensible, OP! Hope he takes whatever your preferred option is

He is the one who would like it to be sooner rather than later.

I bet he would!

OP, he's a selfish person. I have a feeling you'll find this out if you live with him. Your options are fine - he can choose. They also have the useful function of letting him know that when it comes to decisions on what you do with your own home, he doesn't get to be boss.

Methinks he will take the £400 option and within 6 months you'll be sick of him gradually turning into the cocklodger he'd clearly like to be, over bills, housework, everything.

So get him to SIGN (not a message, SIGN) a lodging agreement before he moves in.

Just seen you earlier post OP.

Option (2) is a bit of a risk. I know it means you are no worse off, because you keep the lodger income (and split bills), but I'd be suspicious of someone who expects to move in with someone (knowing that person has a mortgage to pay) and makes no contribution to the cost of the actual housing.

It sounds to me like you are generous to a fault.

IMO, if you keep the lodger, at £450 pcm, and the rental value is £1000, he should pay £275 pcm - half of what's left after the lodger's contribution.
Or even £175 (your original suggestion less half the lodger's contribution) would be better than nothing.

But I do know one thing - even if he does split the bills, him living rent free while you pay the mortgage - that is asking for trouble. Big time.

Yes the Help to Buy ISA can be used for his part of the joint deposit.

I think your 3 options are very fair.

Based on his proposal of £175 plus food he’s effectively £675 up and month and you’d be £400 (or £450) down due to losing the lodger income. How on earth does he think that is fair?

Also moving your BF in might put the lodger off staying. Things change when it is a couple you are living with. I used to share with my sister. Before they bought their own house her BF / now DH moved in for a few months and it changed the dynamics. It was definitely them against me even though I got on very well with my sis and still do. It was just different with three of us instead of two.

I would hate to think that your lodger (who is reliable income) would move out because of him moving in. That would be you really screwed.