Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is fair financially?

402 replies

AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:34

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:38

Btw his current rental is a tiny 1 bed which is noisy and full of damp. My house is lovely and v quiet. However he can walk to work from his flat but would need to cycle or get a bus from mine.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 05/03/2020 10:39

He should pay going lodger rate imo.
If he is being a tight arse suggests he buys his own flat...
This is a sign of things to come op.
Take note.

lifecouldbeadream · 05/03/2020 10:40

Your lodger doesn’t only pay utility bills- you own the house and it is right I think that there is some contribution to the overheads- regardless of whether you own it or not- would he feel differently if you were renting- or would he then think he should cover something other than the utilities. It may not be that he covers the mortgage, but perhaps pays more of the groceries, but you should be compensated to some extent as you don’t have sole use of the property- it’s part of the compromise of living together.

The benefit to him, is that if you (either one) decide it isn’t working longer term then he can walk away- you will still have the bills to pay!

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/03/2020 10:41

I'd laugh at his suggestion. Budding cocklodger, testing to see how gullible you are.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 05/03/2020 10:42

Definitely lodger rate! I think that’s more than generous x

flirtygirl · 05/03/2020 10:42

Your way is fair.

His is not, as you are losing the lodger money.

If you can't agree then he does not move in as he is willing to see you lose money.

Your way is fair as he is still £450 better off per month.
His way would see you worse off.

dreamingofsun · 05/03/2020 10:43

lodger rate or half of mortgage and half of costs such as electric/food. not fair that he expects to live somewhere for free. If that is his attitude i would be concerned about LT feasibility of relationship

Valkadin · 05/03/2020 10:44

Of course he should pay . The same applies for genders reversed though on some threads when they are the advice seems to change.
What he is effectively asking is to live rent free. I used to earn considerably more than my partner, this was many years ago when it was even rarer for women to earn more than men. It did cause issues.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:45

I suppose I worry I am being a bit mercenary but have been taken the piss out of in the past by XP and see so many stories on here of women being shafted that I want a proper agreement to protect myself. I feel if he loves me, he will understand.

If you think IABU - please say why.

OP posts:
Daftodil · 05/03/2020 10:45

He should pay the going rate. He will be saving an extra £450/mo. Why does he think you're "profiting" from him when hell be paying less than market rate and be up by £450/mo?! Hecwants to pay £175/mo? Why does he think you should be down by £225/mo for the benefit of having him there?

magoria · 05/03/2020 10:46

Don't let him move in. Get another lodger. You will be losing money.

He is arguing about paying £400 quid a month to live in London.

RachelEllenRE · 05/03/2020 10:47

Lodger rates and you remain responsible for maintenance etc of the home. I paid my now husband £400 a month when I moved into his home until we got engaged and shared finances. Food split equally. He earned more than more also.

DesLynamsMoustache · 05/03/2020 10:48

He should certainly pay. And the mortgage argument is absurd. When he rents he's paying towards someone else's mortgage most likely. That's what rent is. Does he refuse to pay rent because he's paying someone else's mortgage? He wouldn't recoup that money if he was renting anyway.

And he will be paying such a low sum that he can afford to save what he would spend on his own 'mortgage'. So actually moving in with you saves him a heap of money.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/03/2020 10:49

Your way - your finances the same, his better.

His way - you much worse off, him basking in the glow of living rent-free in return for the odd shag and a bit of light dusting.

Dontlikeoranges · 05/03/2020 10:49

So he'd pay £400 a month with all bills included and he's complaining about that?? That's an absolute steal 😲. I can't believe he wants to just pay £175 for half the utility bills!! He can jog the fuck on.

He still needs to pay 'rent' which is half the mortgage payment. He would be hugely better off paying the £400 - he's unbelievably cheeky.

I would want half the utility bills and half the mortgage which is £475 so your offer of £400 is a good deal

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:50

Not London but expensive city. Think prices like Brighton, Bristol, Cambridge etc.

He is diagnosed as ASD if this is relevant and can see things a bit black and white. He is a lovely man in general and hasn't shied away from paying things before.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 05/03/2020 10:50

Sorry but I agree with him, he shouldn’t be paying towards your mortgage. I do get why that seems unfair, but when he’s renting he has full legal protection, his landlord can’t kick him out on a whim, but you won’t be providing him with a rental agreement and could decide to make him homeless if you wanted to.

Having said that though, you are losing income by letting him move in seeing as he doesn’t want a lodger there. So I don’t think it would be too unreasonable to expect him to make up half of the amount you’d be losing from letting him move in.

DesLynamsMoustache · 05/03/2020 10:51

Also this would be a major red flag to me. He's trying to save money for himself at the expense of you. That's a massive no in my book. He's already saving a ton, he's just being greedy and that tells you what motivates him. Actually gobsmacked he thinks £175 is an appropriate rate. He really thinks he's got it made, doesn't he?

I agree. Get another lodger and let him buy his tiny flat or stay in his horrid rental flat.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/03/2020 10:52

Lodger rates. He can name the standing order "Bills" so he isn't actually contributing to the mortgage.

Split food, Wi-Fi, tv package etc.

Ponoka7 · 05/03/2020 10:53

I've voted YABU because I think a middle amount should be agreed upon.

He is your partner and earns less than you. He shouldn't be paying lodger rates and paying towards your mortgage.

He should be paying his sharecof bills and wear and tear on the house/furniture etc. He should pay half if anything to maintain the house breaks down and needs replacing, such as lawn mover etc.

If he was properly quids in, by earning more, or was given rights on your property, then lodger rates would be suitable.

If a woman loses benefits by a man going to live with her, then they would be covered because one person is put at a financial loss, in regards to living expenses.

Would you be happy with a lodger living with both of you? If so then perhaps it's too early to be living together.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:53

I would not expect him to pay anything toward home improvements or maintenence obviously. I need to get the garden sorted out this year and will pay all of those costs. Similarly if the boiler broke or something.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 05/03/2020 10:53

So he will be better off anyway even if you charge him £400 pm and still thinks it's unfair. Why should he be massively better off? I would stick to your guns,

Dontlikeoranges · 05/03/2020 10:54

His way would mean him better off by £625 a month and you would be worse off by £225! How is that fair?

Your way you are no worse or better off and he's better off by £450.

Perhaps try explaining like that?

WwfLeopard · 05/03/2020 10:54

So he wants to move in with you and be about £700 per mth better off and living in a nicer home, while you should be £225 worse off..... no way, the fact he think like that’s would be alarm bells for me.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/03/2020 10:54

He's testing you out... To see how much you'll be groomed into letting him get away with...

Even at your suggestion its an absolute steal for him... What will he do with all the surplus money?? Hopefully investing in a joint account for buying? Or?

Swipe left for the next trending thread