What is fair financially?

[AmIbeingtoomean]

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

Maybe suggest he takes the ex lodger's room as 'his' space - most people need a bit of space they call their own, even if they sleep somewhere else. Then the link between what you're losing by not having a lodger and what he's getting by paying that rate is clear.

Your house, he should pay. He’ll still better off. If you end up together long term/ get married then he will benefit from you having a lower mortgage anyway.
I wouldn’t let him move in, I would keep the lodger.

Op are you thinking of future kids with him at all?

£400 (actually I'd say £450 as this is what you'd get otherwise) is fair, for all the reasons already mentioned.

Or you get another lodger and then split the bills three ways - but just between the two of you as the lodger is already covering their share.

If he doesn't like either of the above options he doesn't move in.
And if that's what happens don't have him move in by default - ie there most nights but not paying anything.

I think the stats on the vote say it all on this one.
Good luck AmIbeingtoomean.

I don’t know if I think he should pay £400. But I don’t see why he thinks he should just pay half the other bills and nothing towards “rent”. I might charge him say £300 but I’d still charge him something towards his accommodation. Or maybe say he has to pay ALL the bills and food and you pay the mortgage? That’s kind of what DH and I did when we first moved in together, before we were married. He earned a lot more than me and he paid the rent (which was a lot as we live in the SE), and I paid bills etc. We were both better off than we had been prior to moving in together. Now we’ve bought together, we share everything and are both on the mortgage (even though the deposit came from the same of his old house up north).

Make it clear he is NOT paying your mortgage, you don’t want him trying to have any claim over your house. He’s paying rent. Why should you be financially worse off from him moving in?

As long as you feel that way, OP, yes, your boundaries are skewed. I'll get roasted for this, but I wouldn't have a child with someone who has ASD personally. It's going to make life very difficult. But in your case I would not move your boyfriend in because he's pisstaking and you don't have strong boundaries.

There appear to be three options. 1. You stay as you are living separately and you keep your lodger, 2. He moves in and the lodger stays and he just contributes to bills etc 3. He moves in and the lodger moves out and he covers your losses from this. Just ask which he prefers making it clear that you will not be put in a less favourable financial position by any of the options.

I would say that asking him to contribute to your mortgage that you’ll benefit from is unreasonable. If a couple of years down the line you split up, and he’s been laying say £200 a month of your mortgage, he will have paid £4800 which you will benefit from.
I would, instead, open a joint savings account with the aim of saving say £15k within a couple of years that will go towards the joint purchase of a property. If you split up before then, the money each if you gave paid in is shared out again.

Your way. I don’t understand why people view it as “paying towards the mortgage” rather than “contributing to the household.” Considering this isn’t just him moving into a house where you live alone but him actually directly impacting your income as the lodger won’t be there any more, this is even more reason to do it your way.

One way to consider it is - if you break up then it will be like he was renting - why should you have to subsidise him to live rent free? If you stay together it’s all moot as then the two of you will be able to afford somewhere better.

I’ve had this situation with friends and siblings renting a room and never once has anyone said “why should I contribute towards your mortgage?” - I don’t understand why when it’s a partner it’s suddenly ok to refuse to contribute to paying for the space you are living in.

Even if you move in with him in the end, I would plan to (jointly) pay for a cleaner...

That I will be benefitting from having a partner there opposed to a lodger
pretending that he is doing you a favour, that's another reason why he is taking the piss.

He is the one benefiting from the move, no need to twist things around!

@DragonOnFire I think you have hit the nail on the head. I see this as an arrangement for now to see if we work before fully entangling our lives - joint house, marriage etc. I think he sees it as me protecting myself from him.

I just don't want to be worse off overall from him moving in. Even though I will still be technically better off than I am now with my payrise.

Sorry but I agree with him, he shouldn’t be paying towards your mortgage

He isn’t, he’s paying towards the household costs - which would be a lot higher if he lived anywhere else. Why should OP let him stay there for free and lose income on her lodger? Especially if bf is insisting he won’t move in until the lodger moves out.

I don’t understand how he can think it’s ok for him to live with you rent-free OP - he’s a CF!!

Can you be fully transparent about money on a week by week and month by month basis, to the extent where you share account information? That way he can see that you are putting the £300 in a savings account (to contribute towards your next joint house) and you can see that he is putting the £450 into his help-to-buy ISA. That way neither of your are 'profiting' from the arrangement and you are both saving towards a better joint future. In the sad event that things don't work out you've both got savings to help you towards your next steps independently.

The alternative is that the total of £300 plus £450 goes into a joint account, so you are saving together.

His suggestion essentially has you contributing £300 per month towards his help-to-buy ISA. Why would you do that? Why would he expect you to? If you stay together it's all well and good and his savings will be boosted by 25% (up to a maximum of £3K, I think), but if it doesn't work out then you will have given him a 'gift' of thousands.

How long were you thinking of living in your place to see how it works? Is there any way you can get a legal contract so that he repays you the £300 pcm that you'd be boosting his savings by?

Are the figures you have given take home pay after tax, pensions etc? Or salary? I can see that money must be quite tight for him currently with £325 left for food and other expenses. He must be looking forward to that changing. By comparison it appears that you have closer to £1,450 left for food, expenses and savings, so I can understand why he is feeling a bit miffed.

Bottom line is if you can't talk about it then you've not got a future together anyway.

Even if you move in with him in the end, I would plan to (jointly) pay for a cleaner...

Fuck me two adults in a house don't need a cleaner.

Also I’m sorry OP - but I’d see this as a massive red flag. He would let you be in financial deficit to suit him. My dh’s best quality is his generosity - I hate meanness in people.

I think I am bring practical whereas he is reacting more emotionally. He did say I had all the power and felt like I was very keen on being independent and maintaining control over my life as opposed to being a partnership.

So he resents your independence and 'power' and wants to be compensated with free rent for having to put up with it! This is what I'm reading

I would seriously consider what it will be like once he moves in. Even if you agree to his 175pm offer, do you really think this will the end of his demands, complaints, and penny pinching, or the start of it. And further down the line, do you think he expects to be put on the deeds, or you buy a place together but will your equity.

What you're doing now is setting very reasonable boundaries that will guide the rest of your relationship with him, and he doesn't like it.

Even though I will still be technically better off than I am now with my payrise.

that has nothing to do with anything. You have a lodger, they pay. Someone moves in with you (partner, sister, friend, boyfriend), they contribute.

You pay for your own children because that's normal.You'd pay for your destitute mother or father because that's normal to. Another adult expecting a freebie when you have to work to pay your own bill is taking the piss.

It makes no difference if you pay rent or a mortgage!

If he were privately renting he is paying towards the ll's mortgage....
Doesn't bode well for a harmonious future op..

@Soontobe60 As opposed to the £600 a month he's giving some random at the moment instead?

Neither of us want children.

He would be using the current lodgers room to keep his furniture in that he doesn't want to get rid of. This is fine as my current lodger brought furniture with him so my spare room stuff is currently packed away and would stay that way.

If they split up in a couple of years' time, he'll have two years of paying half what he was paying previously to have invested and saved however he wanted. That's the profit he's making.

My boyfriend is moving into my flat. He offered to pay ALL the bills (council tax, electric etc all of it, not 50/50) because he feels bad as he saves so much rent. I’m afraid you have a cocklodger situation there.

OP what happens if you accept the £175pm and he pisses the rest of his income up the wall and decides that actually he's happy living in your house and doesn't want to buy together after all?