To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

I think this is one of those times where siblings have a very different view of family dynamics you say your sister is the dramatic ott one I'm guessing she would say you are the golden child!

Obviously it's not your job to pay her child care. But put yourself in her shoes she is tired and emotional and stressed she thought she had childcare sorted and no le the rug has been pulled out from under her I get why she is angry.

Ultimately it's not your problem and I definitely wouldn't agree to anything in haste that you may have pull out of at a later date that will only make it worse!

7yo I would love to hear dsis side too

This is such a difficult one and I can see everyone's point of view.

If I was your mum, I would stick to what I'd promised because what's happening shows real favouritism towards you and your family.

On the other hand, she is perfectly entitled to live her life how she sees fit. It should be her though, not you, who is picking up the pieces here.

As an aside, I think that grandparents shouldn't be asked to provide regular child care, certainly not unpaid. I know you treated her @Whatevernext2 but it's not the same.

Now look what's happened? It's a mess.

It’s not your fault and it’s not your responsibility to fix it. But your mother has behaved really badly here. It’s not an unforeseen change of circumstances, she’s just decided there are other things she’d rather do / this baby is too difficult.

You can’t change, you’re certainly not responsible for making up childcare fees.

But you don’t seem very sympathetic towards your sister.

I’m from a big family, in some ways have been treated less fairly. One, really has treated badly. What has really helped my relationship with my siblings - and the one treated badly agrees - is that although we can’t change the past, as siblings we acknowledge it and sympathise.

Obviously you don’t owe your sister half her childcare costs.

However I can understand why your DSis is very very upset. Your DM promised her help and on that basis she changed her life plans, yet when the baby arrived your DM reneged. Particularly galling when your DSis has seen all the help that you’ve had x2!

Your DM has been very harsh to your DSis and left her high and dry.

I am the second sibling of two. This sort of thing is said about me: she was ALWAYS the dramatic one. My elder sibling is golden dick. He can do no wrong. He’s amazing etc. This despite the fact I have had to go NC with him as he is violent and abusive with me. Favoured by my mother and my father lived vicariously through him and he got things like cars and ponies just because on top of the Christmas and birthday presents I received. Yet my mother maintains everything we got was exactly the same.

I’d love to hear your sister’s side of the story. You sound incredibly smug and I agree with a couple of pps, who say you sound like the golden child. The fact that you could have paid for childcare and didn’t is even worse.

Can your sister and her husband easily afford childcare? It sounds as if they can’t as she was going to delay ttc. If you actually believed in fairness in life, I’d have thought you’d want to help your dsis out.

You sound like my sister to be honest. And that's not a compliment. She makes decisions/does things and thinks that if I choose to make different decisions to her, then I deserve whatever happens, even if my decision making process needs to take different variables into account.

And the fact that you can't even express any sympathy for her is very telling. You say you don't want to get in the middle, okay, fine. I can see that even though I would have thought you were in a good position to act as a mediator. But you haven't even expressed a second's sympathy and you clearly don't think that your DM has done anything wrong.

Usually, I'm all about, "you can't expect others to look after your children" but your DM specifically said she'd help (after she'd stopped looking after your kids) so your sis had every right to expect at least some help. Which has now been withdrawn. And the fact that you can't see how upsetting that might be for her, or express even a tiny bit of sympathy is very telling.

I never asked!! She offered and tbh it was only ever term time so she didn’t mind as she still had all of the holidays “off” so to speak!! I can see why my Dsis is upset and my “is dsis taking the piss?” Question is based solely on her asking me to pay half the childcare NOT on the actual situation!

No I doubt it will 'all work out', MUM.

I imagine this is the nail in the coffin for your sister. I do hope so, for your sister's sake. I hope she can find the wherewithal to distance herself from you both.

Obviously it is insane to expect you to pay her but I can also see why she is upset and you seem to be oblivious to the fact your DM has massively screwed her over.
She has totally favoured you and doesn’t seem to care that she is being completely unfair to her younger daughter.
Treating children so differently is a recipe for disaster as is offering help and then withdrawing it. If I was your sister I would be very annoyed with your mother and also resentful of you (though it’s not your fault)

This ^^

Now you've just said your DH earns a 'substantial wage' so you could actually afford the childcare. Did your DM used to look after your DC full time?

I had situation where my brother's children were at my parents pretty much all weekend so they could 'have a break' and so I was unable to arrange to see them as they were always busy. When I used to visit I would get stuck with 4 kids to take to the park whilst my DB and SIL 'had a rest' and it does cause resentment. I'm surprised you can't see how it might.

I know you're getting a bit of a bashing here OP, but can you see why?

You received a 7 years of free childcare!! 7 years!! Yes and I know you took your mum to Spas etc, but wouldn't you have done that anyway?

Obviously we don't know your family dynamics but it does appear you are the Golden Child. I feel desperately sorry for your sister. She must be really hurting that your mum won't even do a day week after giving you full time for 7 years!!

I'm surprised you can't see why she's so hurt.And you won't even mention it to your mum. Yeah you did want that Golden Child image to be tarnished do you?

You poor poor sister! Although obviously that's batshit about wanting you to pay half for chips are. She's doesn't mean it, she's just lashing out as she is so hurt.

Would you do that to your kids? Treat one so much better than the other?

Has dsis got ils? Surely sorting childcare isn't just her issue. Her dh can ask his family..

But you didn't have to accept fulltime child care for both of your kids!

Your mum is offering your sister no childcare at all!

My mil helped with childcare for bil and sil from the get go. We had no childcare whatsoever from them, except the odd week in the holidays. Dh and I are both the eldest, and neither of us are the golden children, that's our younger brothers.

However, geography played a part here as we lived 3.5 hours from his parents and my Mum. We knew from the outset that we would be funding all the childcare, and planned accordingly.

If someone is daft enough to have a child becuase they think they have free childcare, then they need their heads examining. The OPs DM could have died, had a serious illness, moved away etc. It's luck of the draw when you choose to have your kids, and no-one is responsible for looking after them except the parents.

Tell her to ask DM for payment as she has now opted out. See where it gets her

Question is based solely on her asking to pay childcare NOT on the actual situation!

I answered that one. You were happy for your mum to rally and help with you. It depends what type of family you consider yourself to be. I wouldn’t necessarily pay half. But in your situation if your dsis can not afford childcare, I would want to help. I said so at 12.59.

*If someone is daft enough to have a child because they think they have free childcare, then they need their heads examining. The OPs DM could have died, had a serious illness, moved away etc. It's luck of the draw when you choose to have your kids, and no-one is responsible for looking after them except the parents.

^^
Finally someone who's talking sense here!!
I'm pregnant with my first at 24 and have no intentions of relying on family as it's ridiculous and a lot to put onto them.

DON'T HAVE A BABY IF YOU AREN'T WILLING TO PROVIDE FOR THEM!!!!

Op it seems you should have told no thanks you had better save some energy incase dsis has a baby...

Dsis should not be such an entitled arsehole imo...

@diddl no I suppose I didn’t but she wanted to and there was many times I suggested using a nursery for dd1 a few mornings a week but she wouldn’t have it!! Also I could never have foreseen this happening as such, I wasn’t there when my dm told her she would mind them!! That was none of my business it was their arrangement as such. I can hand on my heart understand where my DSis is coming from but I REALLY don’t see why I should be fixing it!! And to all of you referring to me as the “golden child” you clearly didn’t see my post where I said we have a younger brother!!! 🤣🤣 HE is most definitely the golden child!! He is let off with murder!!

PP: No you shouldn't be expected to pay 50% of the childcare costs but you absolutely should be speaking to your DM on your sisters behalf and letting her know that actually, she has behaved quite appallingly here.

OP:I am not being the messenger and getting shot at from all angles...no way!!sorry!

There you go then. You are quite succinctly making it clear that you don't care enough about this situation to assist in any way. And yes, you're being (very) selfish. I don't see how relationships can mend after this. I wouldn't think twice about speaking to my mum about her decision if this was my family. I wouldn't just standby and watch relationships break and your sister suffer, all because I didn't want to be "messenger". Its terrible behaviour all round.

I'm not sure why the OP is getting so much grief here.

Her mother offered to help her with childcare. She has tried to repay her by generally helping wherever she could. She looked after her mother when she was sick, and expects to do the bulk of the caring as her mother gets older, in the same way that she has been. It isn't said, but implied, that her sister didn't help to care for her mother when she was sick, and has never looked after the OP's children. The OP says that she has tried to help her sister with her baby, has babysit, and has helped around the house.

Her mother offered to look after her sister's child to allow her to have children earlier than she would otherwise have done. Her sister accepted that, and her mother has now changed her mind. I too can understand why her sister is feeling hard done by, but that is not the OP's fault. And, frankly, her sister should not have changed her decision entirely on the basis of her mother's offer of childcare. Anything could have happened to mean her mother was no longer in a position to care for her child, or indeed chose not to.

I agree, the OP is coming off as unsympathetic to her sister, but that probably stems from her sister's recent batshit demand for her to pay, literally, for her mother's decision, and from historical behaviour such as being annoyed at the OP for getting praise for doing a speech at her father's funeral when she had only done it because her sister said she didn't want to.

There may indeed be a toxic dynamic in the family, or there may not, but I can see literally no evidence in the OP's posts that that is her fault. She has merely expressed a desire to stay out of it and not get stuck in the middle, which is perfectly understandable.

I feel sorry for your sister. Yes, she’s crazy to ask you to sub half her childcare but I suspect this is the last straw for her in terms of the golden child/scapegoat dynamic that seems to be going on in your family.

You’ve had seven years of free childcare for two children. Do you understand how much money that will have saved you? I don’t know what nursery and childminder or afternoon school club rates are like in your area, but in my neck of the woods double bubble nursery fees and wrap around school hours care x 7 years is easily more than £50k’s worth of childcare.

I know because I’ve never had any family help - we’ve had to pay for every single hour of childcare we’ve ever used. It is so hard - in the pre-school years you are literally just working to tread water. At one point it was costing us £50 a week for me to keep working.

People who have free childcare from family really have absolutely no clue how lucky they are. Thanks to your mum your family has been able to save tens of thousands of pounds. All your sister is asking for is the same consideration. I don’t think that’s unfair. I think your mum is out of order for not wanting to make things equitable. And I think you’re being obtuse for not being able to see what a glaring inequality it is.

Deciding to have a baby solely on an offer of free childcare from your Mum is madness. Anything could have changed. Yes it would have been nice if she could have helped but circumstances change.
I don't understand this entitlement some people have.
It sounds as though your sister is panicking though. I hope she calms down and realises she is being unreasonable. I a los hope your mum isn't guilt tripped into changing her plans. She has a right to her own life.

DON'T HAVE A BABY IF YOU AREN'T WILLING TO PROVIDE FOR THEM!!!!

It may not be about 'willing' but 'able' Leebee. The sister changed her entire life plans because of her mum's promise. Which her mother had now withdrawn, quite casually it seems, landing the sister in the shit.

And no need to shout.

Why are you blaming the OP because the Dsis decided to wait 7 years longer to have children.
My eldest sister got childcare from my not working sister as she was home with her child. When I had my child and moved nearby, I did the school run for eldest sister and baby sat for other sister.
My parents would have eldest sisters children during the holidays, but due to there being 10 years between our children I knew my parents could not cope with my children.
Childcare is not a right, times have changed.
Dsis enjoyed her childfree 7 years, now she has to pay the price for the delay.