To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

I would be SO SO hurt if I was your sister. It wouldn't even be about the money but about unfairness of it, being made to feel like second best and that my child wasn't loved in the same way as yours by DM.

So your mum wanted your kids so much that she wouldn't have you putting them in a nursery.

She won't look after your sister's baby at all.

That's so hurtful.

your Dsis should have never planned a baby around family childcare.

You were extremely lucky to get all the help you did off DM so I feel your sisters pain but its neither yours or your DM responsibility.
Your DM can use her time as she wishes and is entitled to change her mind.

kind of a shit situation for all.

I am not being smug in any way

But every thing you post, all the details of how you have put yourself out comes over as smug.

Your sister has been well and truly screwed and you think she is taking the piss.

Funny how as soon as your sister starts to ask for what your dm promised there is excuses about why your dm can’t deliver.

Between the promise of free childcare and now. (Presumably the childcare was still on offer up to very recently) what circumstances have changed in your mother’s life or did she decide to renege on her promise because she got a better offer

I don’t think you are going to have a sister and your mother is going to lose a daughter and grandchild very soon.

I don’t think there is any coming back from this.

But you didn't have to accept fulltime child care for both of your kids!

Your mum is offering your sister no childcare at all!

^This

Asking a question without expecting us to consider the circumstances is ridiculous @Whatevernext2

So your mum wouldn't have it for your children to go to Childcare, and neither of you can see how upsetting this is for your DC of the refusal to help? Also do you think your sister would also say I just want to add my dm has always been very fair with us and has generally always met our needs, this is first time there has been a difference in what she has done for us. Doubtful!!

Hilarious isn't it op

Your excessive use of punctuation suggests your sister is not the only 'dramatic' one in your family, op. If indeed she is..

Par for the course though that in some toxic families, one member gets assigned the traits the family are unwilling to face in themselves.

😂😂😂 oh my, I bust out laughing when she said you had to pay. Obviously that is bang out of order.

I do understand why she might be upset with your mum though, but anything could have happened to change those circumstances in the In between, like your mums health for example. What was she going to do then?

@diddl yes

I agree it’s hurtful, dm has said maybe 1 day a week to her. It’s not a situation that any of us could have foreseen tbh. I do feel bad but I cannot help in many ways other than the option of collecting Dn at 4ish on my way home!

There is always a possibility, like others have said that her mother could've been taken ill etc in which case being as her and her DH would've talked about bringing a baby into the world they should have spoken about this and had a backup sorted.

Her mother didn't force her to have a baby and it isn't her responsibility to care for it either.

Also, OP tell your sister if she has an issue with your mother than to go directly to her and leave you out of it.

I agree it’s hurtful, dm has said maybe 1 day

How generous

I don’t buy the thing about the mother being too ill to look after a child at home when she is going to be on her feet all day in a shop.

Yes of course, something could have happened to change things.

I doubt anyone would have thought that that would be the GM changing her mind though!

Your sister is being unreasonable.

Your children were older when your mother took them, and your mother was in better health. It’s unfortunate your mother changed her mind but that’s not your fault.

Obviously you dont have to pay but your mum has behaved like a complete shit.
No she hasn't! Her l circumstances have changed she's 7 years older now than when she had her first grandchild. She's been ill and she needs to earn some money. Also the sister shouldn't have had a child just because her mum said she would be able to look after it.
People say all sorts of things in passing, anyway there would have been a long time between her saying that and when she would be needed to mind the child, at least a year and probably nearer 2. Things can change a lot in that time especially for older people. The sister should have realised that.
If you have a child it is your responsibility to look after it not your parents.

OP whilst I agree the situation isn't your fault and she's hopefully not banked everything on DM being able to childmind (as that would be daft given DMs age, energy and mobility levels will only start to decline as years go on) I think porcupine sums up how it must feel from your sisters perspective. Whilst DM has every right to do as she pleases it wasn't very fair to have not managed expectations better.

As far as I can see, your sister is entitled to feel aggrieved and annoyed. You got shedloads of support with childcare for years, and now she can't benefit from the same support you had, so she is losing out.

But it's not your fault, is it?

Your DM is the one who has decided that she can't offer any more childcare, and she's absolutely entitled to choose what she does with her time. The trouble is, it is rather unfair on your sister, isn't it?

If your sister is anoyed, then she should take it up with your DM, not you.

And I think you should keep out of it as much as possible.

If OP had refused her mum's offer of childcare - it would not have made a single bit of difference to her sister's position now. That logic is insane, it's like saying that you shouldn't ever accept a gift, in case someone else at some future point doesn't get one.

Saying that, I do feel sorry for your sister - she has probably seen the relationship that you and your children have developed with your mum, including the spa days (seen as closeness, not payment), and imagined herself and her child having a similar life, similarly entwined. Now she feels alone and uncared for (this stage of motherhood can feel that way anyway). I don't think fighting or focusing on childcare is the right approach, but you and your mum should really try and make sure she doesn't feel this way. Could you babysit one day and send her to a spa with your mum?

I'd also hope she doesn't feel trapped between her DH and your family, that he isn't ranting to her about how your mum has cost them so much - being the messenger between two groups you care about is horrible.

"AIBU? My older sis has 2 DC who my DM has provided childcare for for 7 years. Sis is a teacher so no school holiday care required. Sis has treated DM in return, both with gifts, petroleum money etc as well as spa days (wish I could have gone, but was working). Dm has a close relationship with sis and adores her GC.
I married a couple of years ago and we planned to save before ttc but DM said not to worry about childcAre, she'd look after the baby. So we went ahead and had a child. I know it was reckless to plan our family based on childcare provision, but we're in our 30s so were relieved we could crack on.
Baby is now here, and more of a handful than I ever imagined. And now DM has told me she can't do childcare anymore!

I feel like the rug has been pulled from under us. How are we going to afford childcare? I never wanted to us a CM or nursery as I believe family caters will suit us better.
I'm ashamed to say that I stormed round to SIs to demand she covers 50% of childcare. ☺️ she honestly has no idea how fortunate she's been both in monetary terms as well as relationships. I'm sure my D.C. will not be as close to DM as my DNs' are. Sis doesn't seem to realise how blessed she's been
I'm at such a loss. And so bloody hurt. But who can I talk to? Who's should can I cry on? I'm getting a 'life's not fair' attitude from DM and Sis, but I just feel so abandoned, disadvantaged and less-loved. And I think my DC is less loved too because of how difficult she is"

Oh and she has no right to ask you to sub paid for childcare.

Going completely against the grain here. Yes, she is unreasonable to ask you for money particularly after the event, but on the other hand she has been treated far less favourably by you. Your mum helped you out which saved you a significant amount of money. Had you paid your mother 50% of a childminders costs, then your mother may have been able to afford to stay off and look after DSIS baby. Alternatively, your DSis could also have agreed to subsidize your DM childcare. I think that your sister sees it as you having been given a free financial service, worth thousands and would like to be given her share. I understand her logic and her feeling aggrieved. However, she can't expect you to just magic up the money. Tbh, though, I think that she needs to sort this out with your mum. Your mum has let her down. Perhaps your mum could help compensate her with some of the money from her job.

FFS! No one has screwed anyone over! You are all doing what you each wanted to do. Things change. Your mum has not let your sister down, nor have you any responsibility towards financing your sister's kids. Just because your mum was fit enough to help with her gcs who happened to be your children, she would have helped out with her gcs if they'd been your sister's children.

Life happens. You and your sister need to stop trying to find blame.

@Oliversmumsarmy it’s 9-12 in a shop sitting behind a till and putting a few trinkets on a shelf. Not a full day on her feet.

I REALLY don’t see why I should be fixing it!!

And there we have it, I'm all right Jack, why on earth should I try help my sister.

Your poor poor sister doesn't stand a chance does she?

As you look to be sloshing in it ("DH is a high earner") I suggest you might think about helping out - both your sister and your mother. Not laugh at and sneer at your sister - to the point you went to the trouble of initiating a thread about her to laugh and sneer at her 'publicly'.

I’d love to hear your sister’s view. You’re so dismissive of her - the shitty comment about “middle child?” for a start.

Your mother has let her down. It’s funny how this need to earn some money arose just when her friend offered her job in her shop, isn’t it? That sounds like a bit of fun with some bonus money.

And being too tired... yeah, again - funny how that happened at the end of your childcare need, not during it.

I get that your mum would prefer book club and yoga, but she needs to accept the impact that’s going to have on her relationship with her daughter. To actually say she’ll do it to encourage the pregnancy and the renege - it’s pretty poor.