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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:

Helpme1010 · 05/03/2020 12:37

@Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon
Not at all, they chose to have US. If you chose to have kids it’s a given you’d look after them

Original poster

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 12:38

@yabadabadontdoit where did I take the piss or laugh??!! I posted from a position of shock tbh!! I said that I laughed at her suggestion ( which I did in a disbelieving “are you joking fashion” as she said it in such a blaze way!) i most certainly am not laughing at her, as I have said upthread I try to help out wherever and whenever I can!!

Please don’t read between the lines and tell me the kind of person that you THINK I am, I am trying to keep the peace and support at the same time! I can understand her frustrations but I cannot and will not be the go between for her and my dm!! It’s their issue as such! I will help out wherever I can.

OP posts:

Derbee · 05/03/2020 12:40

The funeral story just confirms what is obvious here. You’re the favourite, and can do no wrong. Your mother has been selfish retracting her offer. Your sister shouldn’t have asked you for money, but she’s been very let down.

Seems subtle as it’s been over 7 years, and not in one lump sum. But it’s actually like being given a cheque for £50k (or whatever the value of childcare) and your mother writing the same cheque for your sister, dangling it in front of her, and then tearing it up because she’s changed her mind.

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 12:40

If we are obliged to pay our parents back for bringing us up then we have nothing to pay forward to bring up our own children
And of course bringing up a child is absolutely nothing like providing care for an elderly person

maddening · 05/03/2020 12:40

I would. Suggest that she finds a cm who would do a term time only arrangement and offer to split some hols so she can cover some of your holiday childcare and vice versa, this will save you both money and enable you to have some time off with dh and dc as a family without having to use holiday cover. And maybe your dm can help dsis in hols also, this works for my dm who has my ds a few days over the hols so it isn't an onerous arrangement for dm and we can arrange as we go along. She enjoys her time with ds so it isn't a chore.

CinnabarRed · 05/03/2020 12:40

Another issue might be whether DSis can get childcare at all. Where I am, you have to have your child signed up to go to a childminder or nursery before birth with the waiting lists being what they are.

And from DSis’s perspective it will be so much harder visiting providers with a high-needs baby in tow than if she’s been able to make a decision at her leisure before the baby came.

I think your DM has behaved really badly. Not because she’s not providing care but for changing her mind at this stage.

springydaff · 05/03/2020 12:42

You sound like you couldn't give a fuck your sister has been royally fucked over by your mum.

And your sister is apparently the 'dramatic' one and always has been? I wonder why that might be - if indeed that is the case - considering the vast disparity between your respective mothering.

Your poor sister.

CJsGoldfish · 05/03/2020 12:43

@CJsGoldfish you don’t know me at all,I am not being smug in any way!! And there’s no two ways about it...her baby IS difficult!! She has acknowledged that herself!!!
Yeah, you kinda are.
I can only go by what you say and how you come across on this thread and I have to say that you don't come across as very nice at all.
Baby is 3 mths old and you've already decided he/she is difficult and your mother rescinded her offer partly due to the baby being 'demanding'. 3 mths old FFS.

Original poster

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 12:43

@Helpme1010 my dh works also and has a substantial wage. We share finances so the childcare would not have been MY bill to pay, it would have been both of ours!!And to be honest we could always afford it but my dm insisted on helping out! My financial situation is neither here nor there tbh.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 05/03/2020 12:43

Your dsis has no right to ask you for the money for childcare.
But if you were my mum and sister I’d dramatically reduce contact. You sound toxic.

Your mum has changed the goalposts and it has an impact on the lives of dsis and Bil.
Your alright as you’ve had your free childcare.
And you might think the funeral story shows you in a good light, imo it doesn’t.

I wish your sister could post her pov. I reckon it would be very different.

SnoozyLou · 05/03/2020 12:44

My parents have never looked after our son for more than an hour on 2 occasions, and he's 2. They're in their 70s, and our situation is such that we've rarely needed to ask.

Your sister's situation is completely different. She had a child on the basis of her mum offering to provide childcare, as she had for years for you, for not 1 child, but 2. So from what you say, she would have postponed starting a family otherwise as it wasn't an option in their financial situation.

So your mum has turned around and dropped her right in the shit, and you're saying that's fine - she never should have relied on her.

We never know what the future will bring, but your mum isn't doing this because she can't. She's chosen not to, and at the 11th hour. You've already said, she doesn't want to because it's a difficult baby. That is just such a shitty thing to do!

And you're saying it's fine - no wonder she's pissed off with you too.

1234512345Meh · 05/03/2020 12:44

The fact you won’t even discuss it with your mum is shielding your mum from the unfairness and probably making your sister feel more aggrieved/isolated.

If your sister talks to her it may be from a place of upset/hysteria and may be dismissed/laughed off as you seem to have been doing.

If you speak to mum, not to make her change her mind, but to understand WHY your sister is disappointed, she can’t brush you off as easily.

It’s not about being a go between but your silence doesn’t mean nothing.

Original poster

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 12:45

@maddeningbut I don’t need holiday childcare.

OP posts:

maddening · 05/03/2020 12:45

And her month old will not be like this forever, she will change as she grows

SnoozyLou · 05/03/2020 12:46

Also, DM has not only rejected DS but her baby too. Of course she's going to be extremely hurt by that.

Helpme1010 · 05/03/2020 12:46

That makes no sense when people say that, when your a family the money each of you have is what you have in total whichever way you look at it 😂 so if childcare wipes out most of your wage then money in your pot would be the same whether you work or not. Either way that’s great if you could still afford it but you’d have a lot less money, is it that your sister can’t afford it? I’m just asking you to look at it from that perspective

maddening · 05/03/2020 12:47

Yes I am at work and started writing earlier so the thread moved on. Well you could offer to help out in hols a bit, between dm, you and her husbands family perhaps the hols could be covered a bit in addition to their own annual leave.

Original poster

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 12:48

How am I toxic?? When I have Been helping her with her baby from day dot, I showed her how to get a good latch, I helped her set up her nursery, I have brought meals around on a weekly basis!! My dm has been round to let her sleep! We have been helping A LOT!!

OP posts:

BullshitVivienne · 05/03/2020 12:49

You enjoy being the favourite don't you?

yabadabadontdoit · 05/03/2020 12:49

As my previous post you are questioning says, you came on to say my dsis is batshit, not how do I help, your tone all the way through has been how annoying she is, how dramatic she is, how you’re not interested in helping sort this with your dm, even your title was about dsis taking the piss.

BlueSpotty · 05/03/2020 12:50

You sound toxic because you simply can't seem to see things from her point of view, and seem smug about the amount of help you have received. Also it's not very sisterly to bitch about your sister on here really is it?!

ByeMF · 05/03/2020 12:50

DM is per own person and can do whatever she wants! God above DSIS is entitled enough without the rest of you joining in. Your comments are horrible @SchadenfreudePersonified

Theworldisfullofgs · 05/03/2020 12:51

my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

This.
It's judgemental and not sympathetic.

I cant get why you don't get it.

MUMUNATORR · 05/03/2020 12:52

To me it sounds like just bad timing. Your sister has probably has a lot on with her baby so dont be so harsh on her. Try and be as supportive as possible and it will all work out.

diddl · 05/03/2020 12:53

Well she's not really taking the piss is she because she's asked for something that isn't going to happen.

She's no doubt hurt & lashing out.

So if you could afford childcare-why leave it all to your mum?

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