To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

I feel a bit sorry for her in this situation tbh however NOT your fault or problem.

Yup - cheeky fookery... it's unfortunate for dsis - but this/anything could have happened at anytime...

Have you always been the golden child? Your DM has been very unfair and I can see why your DSIS is frustrated. If you're the golden child, this will just be one final slight on top of many.
It would be nice if you offered the help you can eg collecting from childminder, etc.
I think since you are close to your DM, it might also be worth having a chat with DM to explain how her changing her plans has made your DSIS' life much more difficult.
Sometimes my DM can be unthinking in her behaviour with my DSIS. If she is, I have a chat with her and point it out.

The burden of looking after your DM in her old age
This may be the kernel of the issue... Ultimately your mother's behaviour is self-interested, she has identified that you are the one most likely to be dutiful and supportive in her old age and so she has focused all her efforts on indulging you so that you feel obliged to repay her when she needs help
she might turn out to be a really difficult old lady and your sister will be relieved that she isn't as beholden to her (because, all that free childcare) as you are

My dsis always directs anger at me!
I can understand why if this is indicative of your relationship. You just seem so smug and I have to wonder how 'normal' this disparity is that you don't seem to really see how unfair and damaging it actually is.
You got to use your dm for SEVEN years. She gets nothing and you say her having a 'difficult' baby may partly be to blame. How nice
I wouldn't bother with you or your dm tbh

Because the sister now has every right to tell her mother to fuck off (if the mother needs help/care when she is elderly and infirm.)

Whoa! Surely our responsibility to our parents arises from the fact they looked after US when we were helpless, not because they handed out favours when we were adults. Poor elderly parents, held to ransom for the whole of their children's adult lives, for fear of being left without help in their dotage.

@yabadabadontdoit yes of course I help out, I have called round after school at times to help out I have had her round to mine for dinner, I have brought over dinners! I have sent her to have a nap, held the baby, rocked the baby, tried winding method A and winding method B etc etc
I am as supportive as I can be whilst being a working mother of two myself!

Tell her that you should not have kids if you can't cope without help from family. Yes it's great if you get the chance. But tough shit if you can't.

My mil choose to help her daughter. She doesnt do anything to help us. She cleans her daughter's house. She does weekly childcare for them. She has recently had a hysterectomy and still is at their house on pain dog sitting so they can go on holiday.

We've not had a night out in ages. We have our kids constantly and I don't work due to this. But we are a team and we choose to have these kids. We had them so we are responsible for them.

Tell her to bog off.

I don’t see why you’re getting the grief here (from your sister or people on the thread) - the person who’s set this bomb off is your mother.

Your sister should be asking her for childcare costs if she’s got an axe to grind about any perceived unfairness in who’s had what.
But I bet she wouldn’t do that because she knows that’d be a CF thing to do......

She's batshit

Ohh, I can see this from your DSIS pov - she is obviously BU in expecting money from you, but she had made an agreement with your DMum, upon which she was entitled to rely IMO.

She changed her original plans re DC as a result of that agreement, expected to be able to rely on the same childcare as you and then the rug has been pulled from under her.

I do get that on MN nobody is ever allowed to rely on GP for childcare, but I can totally see why she is pissed off.

YABU, and disingenuous not to understand that.

...I agree that it is your DMum who is ultimately BU though, what a way to sow bad feeling between your DC!

Your DS should not be angry at you but if you have a history of being dismissive of her feelings and not standing up for her (the least you could do is have a chat with your DM - the fact you are unwilling to do this must be incredibly hurtful to your DS) then I can understand why she's annoyed with you too.

You're clearly the golden child and quite happy about it.

The relationship between you and your DS will likely be irreversibly damaged because of it and a lot of the responsibility lies with you and your unwillingness to show sympathy/be on your sister's side.

And yes if your DM needs any care and your DS leaves it to you, don't then come on here to whinge about it (whilst also leaving out the backstory as it appears you are quite blind to your DM's favouritism).

@CJsGoldfish you don’t know me at all,I am not being smug in any way!! And there’s no two ways about it...her baby IS difficult!! She has acknowledged that herself!!!

@Cookiecrumble8888 only an utter, utter arsehole would say that to a mother who is struggling. Dunno how it works in your family but in mine we offer, if not fulltime child-care, then at least a bit of practical help and kindness.

Sounds v much like a golden child/golden grandchildren dynamic going on here.

A bit batshit to think that you should pay half. My sister got free childcare from our parents. They still do pick ups at end of school for her. My mum did start off saying that she was looking after mine, but then changed her mind, and I had to look for a nursery. I think she realized that it would be too much hard work looking after a toddler that was constantly on the go at her age.
I was secretly relieved if I'm honest as I found him in the garden playing in a puddle last time they watched him for me when I went to the dentist, and they had no idea he was there!

@UYScuti

The burden of looking after your DM in her old age.

This may be the kernel of the issue... Ultimately your mother's behaviour is self-interested, she has identified that you are the one most likely to be dutiful and supportive in her old age and so she has focused all her efforts on indulging you so that you feel obliged to repay her when she needs help.

She might turn out to be a really difficult old lady and your sister will be relieved that she isn't as beholden to her (because, all that free childcare) as you are.

Exactly my thoughts!

@Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon

Whoa! Surely our responsibility to our parents arises from the fact they looked after US when we were helpless, not because they handed out favours when we were adults. Poor elderly parents, held to ransom for the whole of their children's adult lives, for fear of being left without help in their dotage.

How incredibly naive.

You're a favourite child aren't you??? Bless......

Are you helping her with this baby, giving her a break, or even holding them whilst she has a bath etc?

WHY should the OP, who has a job and her own kids, add babysitting to her list of things to do? When the sister apparently didn't offer any help herself...

It's nice to be supportive and giving a hand from time to time, but it's not the OP's baby! And who is babysitting the OP's kids whilst she is helping out with the baby?

My dsis always directs anger at me!
I can understand why if this is indicative of your relationship. You just seem so smug and I have to wonder how 'normal' this disparity is that you don't seem to really see how unfair and damaging it actually is.

This. You are not looking good in this situation. Had you posted saying “ feel bad, dm did all our childcare, promised the same for dsis, even encouraged her to have a baby sooner than she was going to, but now dm has backed out, leaving dsis in a mess trying to find childcare. On top of this dsis baby is incredibly difficult at the moment, so she must be exhausted and stressed out and now has this to deal with. She’s asked me to help pay for childcare which S a bit batshit, but how do I try to help her” you would sound like a supportive sister. Instead you came on a forum to basically slag her off and laugh at her.

But your OP title is about your DSIS 'taking the piss' rather than 'AIBU to ask DM why she is now refusing childcare that she offered?'

Is this the pattern in your family? That your DM supports/helps/contributes to you. Your DSIS asks for something in this case something that your DM offered her and is labelled demanding, a cf, etc? If so, the issue isn't really your DSIS and her 'difficult' baby.

I actually think your the one who sounds entitled not your sister,

So your a teacher ? Teachers don’t earn loads, so would you have been able to afford your children had you not received the free childcare? Or if you could I’d imagine that would wipe out most of your wage! Looking at it from that perspective you should have some sympathy and although you can’t control your DM you can control your actions and I’d personally be trying my best to figure things out for my sister. I think she made a sensible decision to wait and have children until she was in a position too now that’s been snatched away from her. Yes your DM is entitled to her own life but what she’s done is so awful

cross-posted with yabba

I can see why she's disappointed and your Mum shouldn't really have made the offer so definitively BUT obviously your Mum absolutely can say no, sorry, her circumstances have changed (after all, she could have got sick or anything could have happened: your sister could never 100% have relied on her - any more than you could actually, as that could have happened while she was minding yours too!). And asking you for money is in any case totally bonkers!

Justin maybe because that’s what you do for friends or relatives when they’re having a hard time?

She's crackers - you aren't responsible for her child.

However, I think that it is unfair of your DM to drop her in the mire like this She wants to take on a little part-time job? And this will leave her too tired to look after her grand-child for your DS? Suddenly she needs the money, even though she promised your DS that she could rely on her?

I think your DM has been very unfair to your DS who wouldn't have started her family until she and her partner were financially more stable. They had this baby because - and ONLY BECAUSE - your DM said she would look after it and there would be no childcare costs incurred. But your DM has just changed her mind and left her hanging - what a nasty trick to pull!

If your DM had become ill and couldn't look after baby - fair enough - but she hasn't. She's decided that she wants a job, extra cash (don't we all) and that this will leave her too tired. She had promised your sister she'd help - and now she won't. Your mother is a selfish witch. And you can't see it.

However, you aren't responsible for your DS's childcare. And sadly, nor is your mother even though without her input this baby wouldn't be here, now, with parents who are struggling financially more than they needed to.