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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
akialam · 05/03/2020 20:17

Bluntness100 the question isn't if she were your daughter. It's would you want an elderly woman who had made it clear that she's no longer up to providing full time childcare looking after your baby/small child?

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 20:27

But it’s not some random elderly woman. The sister doesn’t have a choice. Her mother made a commitment, the op encouraged her, she’s had a baby she now can’t afford as it was done on the basis she would not have the grand a month child care costs and would still have her salary paying bills.

She shouldn’t have trusted her mother. She’s made a huge mistake and now needs to face the consequences of that misplaced trust.

This would be very different if the mother physically couldn’t. The mother simply doesn’t wish to. Her mother has done her over . The consequences could be enormous financially for her, as said even coming to the loss of her home.

She’s made a huge mistake. She’s had a baby she could not afford based on her mothers promise. She should never ever have trusted her mother.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/03/2020 20:30

Laugh in her face every single time she mentions it.

Marvellous suggestion JillAmanda

And people say I'm unpleasant.

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 20:30

She’s nuts! It’s not your fault your mom got older and poorer.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 20:31

However if you are not full time I would offer to help her with child care as you received free child care from family.

the OP has a job, it's hardly practical.
Hardly fair either!

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 20:37

It isn’t the sister wants someone elderly person to care for her child when they don’t wish to

It’s she’s no choice, she thought her mother wished to.

People can’t underestimate the impact of child care costs or giving up work. Yes the sister was stupid to trust her mother and take the risk based on her word. She was clear she couldn’t afford a baby.

So she needs to find either a grand a month or one of them needs to quit, or both of them try to go part time and juggle it. Either way her mother changing her mind is likely life changing for the sister.

morriseysquif · 05/03/2020 20:42

None of this is fair but OP you and your family need to address this somehow because this is a huge pot of resentment building up.

Shuttheblindsplease · 05/03/2020 20:44

I've had this scenario umpteen times with DM over the yrs. Said she would look after DC on certain days etc. Then something will come up & she can no longer do those days. After I've organised everything round those days. I've been in tears trying to find childminders. My child. My problem. Can't expect others lives to stand still & revolve around mine. DM helps out when she can & I'm grateful for that. I want her to have the life she wants to live. Things change. That's life.

akialam · 05/03/2020 20:45

But it’s not some random elderly woman.

Bluntness100 Okay, so your elderly mother makes it clear she is no longer willing/able to look after a baby/run around after a small child all day. Would you insist she stick to her word and leave your child with her anyway?

foxtiger · 05/03/2020 20:46

I have RTFT and I'm astonished at some of the responses here. While the OP has certainly been fortunate to get the help she did (and has clearly appreciated it and tried to return the favour in a variety of ways), I see zero evidence that she has been "smug" or has "sneered" or "jeered" at her sister. Quote me some actual words, not generalisations, that sound smug.

This is an awful situation and the people who are going to suffer most are the sister and perhaps most of all the baby. I really hope there's a solution that leaves them with the proverbial pot to piss in. Nobody wants to bring up a baby in financial trouble and I can understand the sister's desperation. But there's no logical reason why the OP should be expected to pay anything - she is not the one who has moved the goalposts and set this chain of events in motion. It might be quite a nice thing to do as a goodwill gesture, if the OP and family have anything to spare. But it's not an obligation.

If the OP was so down on her sister would she even be asking the question "AIBU"? The real question here is what can be done to solve this problem which is of the mother's making, but not entirely her fault (as others have said, people's health and energy levels do change)?

TitianaTitsling · 05/03/2020 20:47

Laugh in her face every single time she mentions it. One of the nastiest things l've read on MN. Why the need to be so vile?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 20:52

One of the nastiest things l've read on MN. Why the need to be so vile?

it's neither nasty or vile. How else are you supposed to react?

Whyhaveidonethis · 05/03/2020 20:53

Wow, that I amazing. I can't believe that she asked you!! I'm now planning on going and asking my younger brother and sister for retrospective payments towards my 3 DCs childcare as my mum worked when I had mine but looks after their kids. My god, I'm going to have so much money!!

saraclara · 05/03/2020 20:56

It's daft asking for half the money from OP. But seriously, can oyu imagine the OP that the sister would be writing after her Mum withdrew that offer?

Sis knew they couldn't afford childcare yet, but her mum said she'd take it on for her, as she had for OP, sis got pregnant, mum changed her mind.
Sis now has a baby that they can't afford, and her DSis just doesn't seem to get the problem.

But it’s actually like being given a cheque for £50k (or whatever the value of childcare) and your mother writing the same cheque for your sister, dangling it in front of her, and then tearing it up because she’s changed her mind

Yep. Absolutely. And I've not seen a shred of empathy from the OP for her DSis's plight.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 20:56

Would you insist she stick to her word and leave your child with her anyway?

If I genuinely had no other option like the sister? Yes of course. You keep talking like the woman is ancient and infirm. She’s not. She’s physically able. That’s clear. You are also talking like the sister has a choice. She doesn’t. She can’t afford to quit work and she can’t afford childcare.

Of course if the sister could afford to give up work, or afford child care sure it would be different. Or if the mum wasn’t capable. But neither of these scenarios apply.

She needs to find a solution. She’s not insisting the mother does it. She’s accepted the mother saying no, she’s now trying to find a solution
Clearly asking the op for money isn’t that solution

Personally I think she’s every right to go no contact with her mother over this and never forgive her. As said, This is not the sister can afford it, or the mother physically can’t. This is the sister can’t afford it. They don’t have the money literally and the mother could if she wished to.

georgialondon · 05/03/2020 20:59

Just keep laughing whenever she mentions it

ooonicorn · 05/03/2020 21:00

Your sister is batshit. I had my kids before my sister did. My dm never offered childcare so I gave up work because I couldn't afford nursery fees. My ds had her kids and my mum offered 1 day a week childcare. 🤷🏻‍♀️ it is what it is. I don't blame either of them, it's what's available at the time!

1FootInTheRave · 05/03/2020 21:01

She's nuts to expect you to pay.

However, your ma has been really unfair imo. I feel sorry for your sister.

TroysMammy · 05/03/2020 21:10

Who would have looked after DN if he/she had been born years down the line?

akialam · 05/03/2020 21:12

You keep talking like the woman is ancient and infirm. She’s not. She’s physically able.

  1. We don't know that. Babies and small children are hard work and you see endless threads on here with mothers at breaking point. Maybe the mother (having been ill last year) is genuinely no longer up to it. It's unfortunate and the sister is justified in feeling put out but that's life. Circumstances change and the mother's clearly has.

  2. And what if the mother HAD become physically unable to look after the children? Surely that is something any sensible person would think about and budget for? If their finances are in such a state that without free childcare they will find themselves homeless it was ridiculous of them to have a baby in these circumstances.

TitianaTitsling · 05/03/2020 21:14

Why laugh at her sister's upset justincake? So mock her because the sister is feels it's unfair the disparity of support the 'd' M offers?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 21:18

Why laugh at her sister's upset
it's not the upset the issue, it's the demand for her sister to pay for her childcare!

That's where she is losing all sympathy.

user1487194234 · 05/03/2020 21:18

In these circumstances I would try and help my sister Either financially or doing a bit of child care

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/03/2020 21:19

She’s nuts! It’s not your fault your mom got older and poorer

The mother hasn’t got that much older and it isn’t as though she is going to put her feet up if she is going to work in a shop.

If she needed money then she could have asked her Dd instead of dropping her and reneging on her promise.
If you promise something so fundamentally huge and then decide you have a better offer or even if money becomes an issue you don’t just drop the person. You talk to the person and see if you can come up with a solution that suits everyone.

To do what this mother has done and not realise the life changing shit she has landed her Dd in is bad enough

If she does realise then she sounds quite nasty

I do wonder whether the mother has form of promising other daughter things then not delivering.

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 21:31

I haven’t read every single post so maybe someone has pointed this out already. Unless DS works in school like the OP it’s going to be a much bigger job looking after her baby. OP had two maternity leaves with no help (1 year) then there are all the half term breaks, the term breaks and the long summer holidays where she wasn’t needed. So apart from being older, to refer, poorer, and wanting adult company, she’s looking at a job that has hardly any breaks. Of course no one should have a kid based on free labor from aging parents. She can be annoyed but shouldn’t feel entitled.