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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 05/03/2020 21:33

My parents have saved both my siblings thousands in terms of free childcare (while they were both working and much more now that they have retired) but proactively and gleefully told me they wouldn’t do the same for me. Thankfully I don’t really need to worry as I can afford childcare if I continue full time but the way they said it was really hurtful. My sister isn’t a CF like OP and offered to have DS on her days off to ‘pay it forward’

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/03/2020 21:34

BengalGal
I think the inference is op worked f/t so children were still younger than school age.

InescapableDeath · 05/03/2020 21:35

Having had a child without any family nearby and struggling for years, I can tell you the benefits of a grandparent stepping in are not just financial but much more than that. A trusted carer. No worries about the kid being too ill to go. No weird nursery requirements.

I can see both sides (mum and sister) but have huge empathy for the sister while OP seems to have none.

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 21:35

She’s seven years older from when she started with an infant and she still hadn’t recovered from an illness in December. My mom went from being fit and driving to unable to walk in less than a year. Things can change fast when you get old and no one should plan their family based on free labour from anyone, much less an aging parent. Anyone can die, get ill or have a change in finances and this is all much more likely with an elderly person.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 05/03/2020 21:38

Feel So sorry for your sister she must feel really let down and very aware of how u fair the situation is

A few tanks of petrol and some shopping is nothing compared to relentless nursery costs and the anxiety of making set pick up times, leaving baby with strangers etc

You have zero idea how good you had it and I don’t see any empathy at all from you

When your sister told you that your DM had suddenly changed her mind and retracted her childcare offer did you express any sympathy for your sister at all?

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/03/2020 21:39

But only a few months older from when she offered to still have the sisters child.

It isn’t like she is not working at all.
She is going to work in a shop so the getting older and unable to cope because of age doesn’t really ring true

I have looked after a baby and I have worked in shops and I would take baby any time as at least you can sit down with a coffee occasionally when baby is asleep.

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 21:41

OP also said the sister can easily afford childcare. She just doesn’t want to change her lifestyle. I imagine the mother wouldn’t be withdrawing the offer if they were really struggling, except that she just might not feel physically up for it. I had a much harder time with my third when I was 46. I didn’t have half the energy I had with my first two. And that’s not elderly at all.

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 21:44

It’s way easier to work part time in a shop than look after a baby. And you can take sick leave or just quit without it being a big deal. I’ve never had any grandparent childcare. My mother in law is now 85 and still teaching at a university. She works in academia all the time. But she wouldn’t last a week looking after a toddler. She wouldn’t even be able to pick her up!

Whatnametoday5 · 05/03/2020 21:45

My in laws have helped both BIL’s and SIL with childcare , we don’t live near by it’s never once crossed my mind that I should be given some childcare costs? They have always made sure they are equally close to all the grandchildren and have a good bond regardless.

Our choice to have children and honestly have never felt that I’m ‘owed’ child care funds?

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 21:47

oliversmummy the kids were below school age but OP stated SHE works in school and only buses her mother’s help during term times.

BengalGal · 05/03/2020 21:50

Oops I meant Oliversmumsarmy

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 21:56

@Whatnametoday5
RTT that’s all well & good for you but that’s not what’s happened here.

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 22:00

@BengalGal
my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare.
It’s says the opposite, read the post in it’s entirety. The sister wanted to wait & save. She was encouraged not to worry about this.
If things change due to unforeseen circumstances that’s different. That’s not what has happened here.

Aderyn19 · 05/03/2020 22:14

I don't think you've done anything wrong and you did your best to treat your mum fairly but your mum has fucked over your sister here. And as a consequence this has fucked you over too, since your sister is unlikely to get over the unfairness.

It's one thing for your mum to not do childcare because she is too old or too ill, but quite something else to back out of a promise just so she can do yoga and tinker about in her friend's shop. It really tells your sister what her priorities are, doesn't it?
And that's before you get into the appalling behaviour of actually talking your sister into changing her life plans and then blithely backing out like it's no big deal, leaving your sister with a bill she hasn't had time to save for.
I know your sister had no right to demand you pay her childcare bill but I'd be inclined to help her financially anyway, so that you can stop this from further poisoning your relationship.

Namechangexyz1 · 05/03/2020 22:22

OP also said the sister can easily afford childcare. She just doesn’t want to change her lifestyle

Easy for OP to say when she didn't have to change her lifestyle at all and got literally tens of thousands of free childcare.

springydaff · 05/03/2020 22:32

Did op say her sister could easily afford childcare? I don't think op did - I think op said she (op) could easily afford childcare??

I can't see how dsis could easily afford childcare when she was putting off having a child until she could afford it.

springydaff · 05/03/2020 22:36

And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

Ah. OK.

TitianaTitsling · 05/03/2020 22:36

staff your are right OP said they could easily afford childcare but the lovely DM wouldn't have it so paid for childcare not something the DM wanted for golden child No1 GC, but doesn't care about the sister.

springydaff · 05/03/2020 22:36

What's the OP BTW?

springydaff · 05/03/2020 22:38

Where's the OP, not what's the OP 🙄

BrightLightsBigCity · 05/03/2020 22:45

Sitting back with a box of popcorn, watching the bunfight, I imagine.

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 22:47

@BrightLightsBigCity I would say you’re not wrong.
She would probably not see that the proverbial bun fight had anything to do with her in the first place.

Cherrysoup · 05/03/2020 22:51

Nothing to do with the OP, it’s hardly her fault her dm offered free childcare. Her dsis is crackers if she thinks she should pay for the childcare. Batshit.

saraclara · 05/03/2020 22:53

I'm pretty certain that had it been the other way round, OP would be ranting on here about her DM letting her down, and how her DSis had had seven years of free childcare and didn't care about the unfairness.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/03/2020 23:11

* It’s way easier to work part time in a shop than look after a baby. And you can take sick leave or just quit without it being a big deal. I’ve never had any grandparent childcare. My mother in law is now 85 and still teaching at a university. She works in academia all the time. But she wouldn’t last a week looking after a toddler. She wouldn’t even be able to pick her up!*

Your mil raised your DP and managed to continue working in academia until 85. You should ask her how easy it is to raise a child while working because you clearly have no idea