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Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
Tvquizhelp · 05/03/2020 18:09

Your poor sister.

ALongHardWinter · 05/03/2020 18:28

She's crackers.

Catting · 05/03/2020 18:39

OP strikes me as the type who would also refuse to do childcare for her own DGC when that day comes.
Shit rolls downhill, as they say.

akialam · 05/03/2020 19:13

OP strikes me as the type who would also refuse to do childcare for her own DGC when that day comes.

She cared for her mother during her illness last year and will be providing more care as her mother ages. She also helps the sister out when she can (delivering meals weekly if I recall correctly) but don't let any of that stop you from sticking the boot in.

Winterlife · 05/03/2020 19:13

^eyeroll

Winterlife · 05/03/2020 19:14

That was for@Catting

Winterlife · 05/03/2020 19:16

@springydaff, sister has a husband.

The bottom line is (a) life’s not fair; and (b) OP is not obligated to fund her sister’s childcare.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 19:22

Of course your sister can’t ask you to contribute to her child care. The very Idea made me laugh.

But she’s clearly in a bad position that she didn’t expect. She made it clear she could not afford a child and her mother made a commitment that permitted her too. Your mother knows exactly what she’s done to her daughter by pulling out, she’s dropped her right in the shit.

I think your sister has asked out of desperation. She trusted your mother and now she’s fucked. I’d not be harsh on her. But there is no doubt your mother has royally fucked over her own child.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 19:29

The other thing I’d consider op is what this means for your sister. Before you get judgey.

She could be facing loosing her home. They have already said they don’t have the money available to pay for the child care. So either she quits work and they loose her wage, or they pay and get themselves into debt. Potentially have to move. They can’t make ends meet.

Either way for your sister to make this request, and for her to have stated they couldn’t afford child care before she started ttc, would indicate to me the consequences are much bigger than you realise by her mother doing this to her.

Crazycrazylady · 05/03/2020 19:35

I've been shocked by the people on here who appear to massively resent their older siblings for having parents who were young enough to help their siblings with childcare but were too old/unwell to look after theirs. Surely that's just one of those things . Does that mean that if a parent isn't sure they'll be able to look after all nearby potential grandchildren then they shouldn't look after any of them?

MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee · 05/03/2020 19:39

I haven't read all of TFT, so may have missed something crucial. Some posters are saying that it is fair that the Grandma gas given back word as she may have decided she doesn't have the energy to commit to taking on her newest grandchild.

If she's getting a job with her friend, in retail no less, that's unlikely.

Winterlife · 05/03/2020 19:42

Working retail among adults is less demanding than chasing a toddler, IMHO. However, I believe OP stated her mother needs the money.

bettytaghetti · 05/03/2020 19:44

@MadameButterface well it is World Book Day after all... 🤣🤣

Evilspiritgin · 05/03/2020 19:44

Nobody has said that the grandparents should have to look after grandchildren

The difference is the mum told her daughter she would do it then when baby was here back tracked, so she has left her daughter in the shit

Op mentioned her mum had been ill to gain sympathy after people said she was being smug

midwestspring · 05/03/2020 19:47

It obviously isn't your role to fund your sisters childcare but your mother has really done a number on her.
I feel very sorry for your sister she has been treated very badly.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 19:51

agree, the op is trying to justify her mothers actions,

However what she’s done could have life changing impacts for her daughter, child care will be in the region of a thousand pounds a month. She’s got a baby who may have tongue tie etc, who she will be scared to leave with strangers, she already told her mother she could not afford the child care so would hold off ttc until she could. Her mother convinced her otherwise. It would appear the op also had a hand in the convincing,

Now the sister either has to find a grand a month she doesn’t have or quit work and loose her wages,money they likely need to live, to pay their bills .

This isn’t a case Of the sister being fucked because her mother is incapable. This is a case the mother simply changed her mind.

The ramifications for the sister could be enormous.

Shuttheblindsplease · 05/03/2020 19:51

Shocked at the vitriol OP is receiving. I would chuckle if my DS suggested I pay half her childcare.

You can't force your DM to watch the baby so I'm not sure how any of this is your fault or how it makes you toxic! It's really between DM & DS. I would stay out of it but keep helping as you have been doing. Your DM has her reasons for changing her mind. It really is ludicrous to decide to have a baby on the back of someone offering to look after it. It's a big disappointment for your DS but still not in any way the OPs fault. Lot of jealousy on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 19:56

It’s not just “someone” offering. It was her mother. Whom she trusted. Who knows she can’t afford child care and would not have had a child if she had to pay for child care. Yes the mother could have gotten incapable but she didn’t. She just changed her mind.

The fact the sister asked the op to pay half tells me she’s desperate and they have a real problem on their hands, one as said that could even cause them to loose their home.

Crazycrazylady · 05/03/2020 19:59

Honestly feel like many people are being unfair to the mum here. Yes she probably shouldn't have offered but clearly that about two years ago and her circumstance have changed and she feels like she has slowed down. Added to that her dsis baby sounds a high needs baby which absolutely may have influenced the moms decision. Would people really insist that someone who didn't want to mind a baby do so anyway because they had once said they would?

dwum · 05/03/2020 20:00

This thread is batshit! Things change, its life.

If you can't afford ffs kids, don't have them! It is no one else's responsibility. Simples!

strawberry2017 · 05/03/2020 20:00

You can never 100% rely on family for child care. Even if someone has the best intentions things changed and if that's the only reason your sister had a baby then she clearly shouldn't have had a baby.
I don't think it's right that your mum changed her mind but that's got nothing to do with you.
You are not to blame, yes you had fantastic luck that your DM was able to help you so much but you had no way of knowing this would happen.
I think she is unreasonable to even suggest you pay half, but not unreasonable to be annoyed, however her annoyance is misplaced.

JillAmanda · 05/03/2020 20:01

Laugh in her face every single time she mentions it.

blubberyboo · 05/03/2020 20:02

Your mother obviously has grown accustomed to the small bits of help you gave her with groceries petrol and that and probably finds she now can’t manage without it. She prob thought your sis would offer the same

Why don’t you explain this to your sister and try and mediate between them. Maybe your mum would do at least a few days to balance it out a bit. Could you or your hubby even offer a day free childcare a week?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 05/03/2020 20:03

Actually I do think you should treat all your children the same. If your Mum provided you with free child care she should do the same for your sister. That is between your Mum and sister. However if you are not full time I would offer to help her with child care as you received free child care from family.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 20:05

Would people really insist that someone who didn't want to mind a baby do so anyway because they had once said they would

I think if is was my daughter, and I’d made this commitment, on the basis my daughter couldn’t afford to have a child other wisel and by renaging I’d cause my daughter significant financial problems I’d step up and do it, no matter how much I didn’t wish to. I’d not do that to my daughter unless I physically had to.