To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

But it’s actually like being given a cheque for £50k (or whatever the value of childcare) and your mother writing the same cheque for your sister, dangling it in front of her, and then tearing it up because she’s changed her mind.

This is exactly what it's like.

Not sure who said this ^ as it's been repeated/copied quite a few times...

But.

Like many other posters, I agree with this 100%

@Shinycat I wasn't arguing with anyone! I was actually genuinely wondering as @SchadenfreudePersonified seems exceptionally angry on the behalf of the sister! Not beyond the realms of possibility the sister could be on here???

Like many other posters, I agree with this 100%
And so do I ShinyCat

The emotional cruelty involved in this woman's selfish behaviour is horrific!

@Meggymoo777

Jesus H Christ... honestly this place is just ridiculous at times. How anyone has taken the OP as being rude, smug, entitled and toxic is beyond me. This whole situation has absolutely nothing to do with her. She obviously has a lovely, close and mutually beneficial relationship with her mum and that is lovely. The relationship between the OPs sister and mother is absolutely nothing to do with her and it's not her obligation to weigh in or fix these problems.

Oh do me a favour! Just because some posters post opinions you don't like, that does not make this place 'ridiculous,' or some posters 'wrong...'

I can't believe some people - including you apparently! think the way the OP's mother has behaved is actually OK.

Even though I don't think the OP should be paying half of her sister's childcare bills, it's pretty bloody clear that the OP is the preferred sibling out of her and her sister. As a few posters have said, this is a very toxic family!

The fact that a few posters are fervently defending the OP (and her mother!) says a lot about them.

@Meggymoo777

Like I said, a very lazy and predictable thing to say.... And a bit pathetic tbh........

Okay then @Shinycat you win, your vitriol has defeated my interest in this thread! 😂

So everyone who thinks that the dm is at fault for 'encouraging' the dsis to have a baby would have had a baby just because their mothers wanted them to? I don't know, my dad desperately wanted me to have children, but I didn't, so I didn't have any.

I doubt the sis would have had a baby if she hadn't wanted to have one, or do you think she did it just to please her mum and because her mum had said "don't you go worrying about those pesky childcare costs....".

No, the sis wanted a baby and had one. Yes, you work out finances but things change and unless you're paying market rate you have no right to expect anyone to look after your child for you.

If you were genuinely wondering I will genuinely answer.

No - I'm not the sister. If I was I would have introduced myself as th sister and put my side of the argument.

I am someone who can see the emotional and financial cruelty involved in persuading someone to overstretch themselves financially because it suited, and them dropping them in the muck because - can''t be arsed!

And if you can't see why that is inappropriate, there is something wrong with your empathy glands.

The sister didn't bully or beg her mother to give childcare - the mother offered childcare; she effectively insisted on looking after her younger DD's baby because she didn't have OP's children to care for any more. As a result, her DD for pregnant before she was as financially secure as she would otherwise have been.

What did she change her mind? Who knows - but it looks as though it may have been because this baby has been less easy to settle than OP's children were. Some babies are. But the impression it gives is that her younger DD and her baby mean a lot less to her than the OP and her children do. In fact her friends and her yoga group and her book club seem more important.

But that's all right - as long as Mother gets her way all the time.

What a pathetic and predictable post. Used by people who are losing the argument.

Another one getting weirdly invested and angry over an anonymous post on an anonymous forum!

I feel sorry for DSIS though

My mum always bent over backward for my older sister in terms of doing things for her and buying her stuff and I got nothing

You got years of free childcare from your DM.

Your DSiS couldn't afford a baby and only had one because her dm said she would have it and now backed out of that

What the hell is your sister supposed to do now?

I would be angry with your dm for a long time if I would your sister and yes I would feel put out.

She has a 3 month old baby. Hormonal, upset and demanding baby as you nastily put it as a reason for your dm not to have it although I bet your dcs were little angels

Sounds like neither of you like dsis very much

holidayhuntress
if the sister hadn't ask her sister for MONEY she probably would have got a lot more sympathy....

"You got yours for free so you pay for mine" is not exactly the right way to go about it, is it? And with that attitude, no wonder the mother is very reluctant to commit.

seems this thread is touching a lot of nerves with posters though, sibling rivalry anyone?

I feel sorry for Dsis too. Does the sibling rivalry go back a long time?
It is unfair when one sibling benefits over the other.

All the people insulting OP and her mum based and the scantest information on a MN thread need to take a look at themselves. These are real people (unless it's a DM set up).

What's the betting you're the same people who cried their eyes out over the way Caroline Flack was treated and have 'Be Kind' plastered all over your social media?

Anyway, ignore them OP. I'm off to admire my toilet roll mountain.

This thread is insane! How on earth is it the Op's fault that her DM doesn't want to take on the childcare for DSIS? DM can change her mind at any point, and, as has been pointed out many times, DSIS was mad to assume that DM being the child carer was set in stone. Things change. Anyone who only has a baby because 'free childcare' is an idiot.

My DM looked after my DSis's daughter from 3 months old until she went to school at 5. I had my DD a few years later. By that time, my DM was older and really didn't feel up to taking on a baby at her time of life. And that was her choice. No jealousy or resentment on my part. She was older and she wanted to be able to do hobbies, meet friends, go to book clubs. Not spend the next 5 years looking after my DD. My responsibility. And I did not begrudge DSis at all. Why would I?
Lots of projecting here, and nastiness and jealousy.

You'd lose that net with me Bye.

@wineandroses1
And if you had said that you were putting off having a family for financial reasons and your mother said don’t worry I will provide help in that area , you’re saying you wouldn’t be upset?

I had my DD a few years later. By that time, my DM was older and really didn't feel up to taking on a baby at her time of life

But did she encourage you to have a baby sooner than you otherwise would have done, and promise to help look after it while you continued to work - and then change her mind when the baby was born?

THAT is what she shouldn't have done. No-one says GP's have to sacrifice themselves, but to do this was a horrible, kind thing.

Is anybody thinking of Grandma in this?
The OP said that she lost her husband 7 years ago, looking after the gc's was probably therapeutic for her.Since her bout of ill health (and the fact she's that little bit older) she probably feels unable to cope with a young child, A baby is not so bad but once that child gets mobile! Also she must want some time to have some sort of stress free enjoyment for herself.
I say this as an older person that often your DC's have no conception (and why would they) of the limits of your energy reserves as you get older.
Unfortunately the OP's DSis has borne the brunt of Grandmas change of heart and feels put out by this, yes its unfair and she hasn't has what her sister had but I;m afraid "them's the breaks" its no-ones fault its just circumstances and no-one is to blame or be criticised.

Your sister is being crazy. She shouldn’t be basing her decision to have a baby on the fact your mum offered to mind the child anyway! This is just insane! It’s a pain that she has to find other arrangements but that’s not on you!!!

You can probably guess who on this thread has had to shell out for childcare for many years and who hasn't!

Except op, who was the recipient of extravagant childcare, thus entirely avoiding its attendant eye-watering expense and endless stress and hardship, has initiated a thread that sneers at her sister. No compatibility at all that her sister is probably off her head with stress and hurt.

Op doesn't even know how it works with a childminder. She has had not one drop of the incredible stress and expense of securing effective childcare for her 3 children. Granny was always there. And op jeers at her sister who has been badly let down at a very vulnerable time in her life, actively encouraged to have a child early with the assurance granny would cover.

Except granny pulled out at the last minute and op is rolling her eyes at her sister.

*no compassion at all

I don’t think OP “sneered” at her sister. She’s asked if her sister is unreasonable in expecting OP to pay for half of sister’s childcare expenses.

FTR, my husband and I arranged our work so one of us was always home with our children. It was a significant financial burden to us which had repercussions on my career. Just in case anyone accuses me of having had it easy in that department.

She posted in AIBU, not relationships. She wasn't wringing her hands when she posted but wanted to get a laugh, and no doubt jeers, at the expense of her sister. She got what she wanted.

Fwiw, re the above poster who made the comment that it's obvious who has and who hasn't had to pay for childcare : I didn't pay for childcare. It doesn't take much imaginative to work out the incredible and crippling expense of childcare.

Not everyone has a husband or partner to share the load, Winter.

OP's sister will no doubt take the hit in her career, which is hard, if not impossible, to come back from. Op has had none of this and could blithely develop her career with impunity. She wasn't held back, as so many women are.