To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

Hahaha you should not pay a penny!!

An alternative would be for her to work with your mother and see if there were days your mum might be able to have the child, for example every Monday/Wednesday. Then arrange childcare for the days she isn't in.

The OP had help to just recently @justasking111. And her dm was promising childcare up til recently. It's just since the baby arrived that she has decided she cant be arsed.
And yes she could have had a change in health, or dropped dead, but she hasn't.

@Porcupineinwaiting she has done seven years on top of raising her own children, are you suggesting grandparents should die in harness?

No, of course not. I'm saying she was a bitch to promise something that she had no intention of delivering, esp when her second daughter had specifically planned to delay motherhood due to costs.

I'd also say that her so blatantly favouring 1 daughter/set of grandchildren over another suggests this is nothing new.

she has 'done 7 years' for ONE sister. As the duster who is constantly shafted in my family, I totally get why she is feeling like absolute shit. My mum prioritises my sister constantly. Her children get childcare, daily visits, weekend care, my children see her once every two months if that. It makes me feel crap and unwanted.

Everyone saying OP is fine and her sister is the CF has probably been in the winning situation in their own families. My sister is so used to getting everything she wants that my mum seeing my children one weekend in 9/10 for a few hours has her moaning about hers 'missing out' despite seeing her EVERY OTHER DAY.

The OP sounds horribly selfish and her mum should be ashamed of her differently she is treating her children tbh

holidayhuntress
why is the OP selfish exactly? Do you want her to quit her own job to babysit for her sister?

If you are the golden child, it is not your fault. My DB was the golden child rather than myself and my other DB. It was not his fault. I do think posters are projecting their own feelings of being out of favour here.

hilarious, shes nuts

Your dm is not being unreasonable to put herself first and not want that responsibility again

Then she shouldn't have insisted she wanted to look after the baby and encouraged her younger DD to have one, should she?

She's selfish for being all 'I'm alright jack' now she's had 7, SEVEN, years of free childcare (sorry, a few shops and a spa weekend don't count as payment ) and yet can't see why sister would be gutted to not receive a fraction of same care.

It's very easy to dismiss the sister as a CF yet bigger issue for me is how easily the OP is writing off her legitimate concerns over favouritism and injustice.

I'm not suggesting OP gives up work to look after her sisters baby although that is literally what their mum did for her - retired and spent 7 years providing care. But I do think acknowledging how outrageously unfair this situation is instead of laughing at her sisters high maintenance baby on an Internet forum and calling her a CF is needed

OP, did your mother get ill after she'd made the offer of childcare to your DSis? If so, that may e partly why she recomsidered the offer.

I can’t believe you are having such a hard time on here @Whatevernext2! Mumsnet always seems to come Down hard on people who have free family childcare.

Of course YANBU! Your sisters suggestion is batshit. She should never have had a baby based on a promise of free childcare. Anything could’ve happened to your mum in the interim. I can see why she would be disappointed. But being angry and pissed off that an elderly lady has changed her mind and is putting her health and well-being first is really spoilt & entitled.

Ignore the criticism you are getting and the posters who are making massive negative assumptions about your life. Jealousy brings out the worst in people. You sound like a lovely sister and daughter who is trying her best to help everyone out the best she can. FWIW, I would keep out of discussing it further with your mum or sister. This has nothing to do with you.

Things change. While I was willing to childmind ten years ago, I am not willing to do so now. The first familyy got the benefit, subsequent ones pay for their own child care

But would you offer- in fact INSIST - on looking after a baby nd encourage your child to have one - and then say "Nah! getting a job in me mate's shop instead." ?

Well?

Would you?

You sound thoroughly unpleasant. You're clearly very bitter but it's worth remembering that the OP's elderly mother is not responsible for whatever is going wrong in your life.

Well - that's me and the OP's horrible mother that are thoroughly unpleasant, then.

And there is nothing going wrong in my life, thank you for asking - but plenty going wrong in the life of a woman who has had a promise from her MOTHER reneged on, landed with a financial outlay she can ill-afford, been effectively told that she and her baby are nothing to her mother, and indeed, been effectively told that her baby is "difficult" and nobody wants to spend time with her. How hurtful do you think that must be?

"Should the OP resign to become a full time babysitter for her sister maybe? Would that be reasonable to you?"

How about "Sis, I'm so sorry, I know you're having a way harder time than I did, I wish I could help more. I've spoken to Mum to ask if there's any chance she'll reconsider or can give you any help at all, you're my sister and I'm here for you."

Seems like that would be better than "I got everything I could have wished for although tbh paying would have been easily affordable for us.I won't be standing up for you to mum in any way at all because why would I? I've got a pretty nice deal going on here."

I have a genuine question for you OP - if you found yourself unexpectedly pregnant again, do you think your mum would still be "too busy to babysit"?

@SchadenfreudePersonified Are you the OPs sister??????

Your DM could have passed away or anything!

That was my thought, would she have expected a larger share of any inheritance?

MeggyMoo Are you the promise-breaking, OP favouring mother?

I feel for your sister. Your DM has behaved badly. Obviously it's nothing to do with you but I hope you can see why she would feel a bit cross about it all.

I think at the start of the thread you came across a bit smug and oblivious to how unfair your DM has treated your sis. I hope this post has enlightened you a bit.

However, of course you don't need to pay anything. Or take on any burden you can't handle. It's a very unfortunate situation.

@Meggymoo777

Are you the OP's sister@SchadenfreudePersonified ?

What a pathetic and predictable post. Used by people who are losing the argument.

@Meggymoo777

Are you the OP's sister @SchadenfreudePersonified ?

What a pathetic and predictable post. Used by people who are losing the argument.

@Villanelle92

No one is ENTITLED to have family members do childcare for them. I mean it must be nice if they can but no one surely expects it.

Your mum is allowed to have a life outside of being a parent/ grandparent, I really hope your sister doesn’t put your mum off getting the part time job she wants.

FFS read the full thread!

@Helpdesk

Op - your DS sounds selfish & entitled, & I’m not surprised your DM has reconsidered her offer accordingly. It’s great when grandparents are involved and have a close relationship with their grandparents, but your DS can still facilitate a close relationship between your DM & her DD without expecting free childcare. That relationship should be your DS primary concern.

FFS YOU read the full thread too!

@Porcupineinwaiting

The OP had help to just recently @justasking111. And her dm was promising childcare up til recently. It's just since the baby arrived that she has decided she cant be arsed.

And yes she could have had a change in health, or dropped dead, but she hasn't.

100% this.!!! ^