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Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
EvilPea · 05/03/2020 14:29

I am your sister in this scenario. Its really hard in lots of ways, not only has my sister benefited from being able to further her career, stay on the property ladder, she's never needed to have to drop work if hers are poorly, she's had over £120,000 worth of free childcare as well as the kind of flexible childcare you could only manage with nannies on call.
But as a result her kids have a room at grandmas, they get days out, sleep overs, gifts, taken for tea etc out.
They are so much closer and have a lovely bond.

I am more than a bit bitter about all of it. But i can see everyones point of view, your sister is bat shit for even thinking about asking you for the money. But I can see why she feels completely shat on. But i can also see your mums point about being done now. She will just need to accept her relationship with her daughter will probably not recover for a long long long time.

LakieLady · 05/03/2020 14:31

Your sister has to realise that GPs age and as they get more elderly they are less able to run around after toddlers

This. At 64, I'm a lot less active tha I was at 57.

VirtualHamster · 05/03/2020 14:35

I think you come across badly, as you're not even willing to mention to your mum how hurt your sister has been by her actions. Clearly your sister asking you to contribute towards childcare costs is silly, but you won't even support her point of view with your mum.

midnightcamiforever · 05/03/2020 14:35

I really feel for your sister, your mum has acted pretty badly in withdrawing the offer once a grandchild is already here. Yes, your sister should really have waited until they could afford it themselves but why should she not have taken your mum's offer at face value?

She is, however, batshit for suggesting that YOU are due her money.

akialam · 05/03/2020 14:35

sauvignonblancplz

The OP has already said that she looked after her mother when she was ill and will likely be her mother's carer in the future. Whether this expectation that she'll take on the bulk of her mother's care came before or after this childcare fallout is important and hopefully the OP will answer truthfully. But other posters picked up on this earlier and came out with nonsense such as:

Ultimately your mother's behaviour is self-interested, she has identified that you are the one most likely to be dutiful and supportive in her old age and so she has focused all her efforts on indulging you so that you feel obliged to repay her when she needs help
she might turn out to be a really difficult old lady and your sister will be relieved that she isn't as beholden to her (because, all that free childcare) as you are

It's highly unlikely that the mother offered childcare and encouraged the sister to have a baby in the complete knowledge that she had no plans of following her promise through. I suspect that the sister wasn't much help during the mother's illness and having realised that the favours and help were likely to be one sided. She is now older and in poorer health than she was when the OP's children were young and she's within her right to prioritise her own health and mental wellbeing over a massive favour that will not be reciprocated.

MrsAJ27 · 05/03/2020 14:39

So many rude people on this thread.

This is between your mother and sister, they need to sort this out between them and not get you involved.

Your sister is crazy to even suggest you pay towards her child care.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 05/03/2020 14:39

If your DSis had a baby based on the fact that your DM said she’d provide free childcare then she is completely and utterly fucking bonkers!!

Your DM could have passed away or anything!

Don’t give her a penny! My younger DSIS’s benefitted from years of free childcare from my DM (I didn’t have DS until I was much older) and I didn’t give a toss.

Sort your own DC out then there can never be any fallout!

springydaff · 05/03/2020 14:40

But she offered the childcare, specifically urged dsis to bring her plans forward, assuring her she'd look after her child.

Completely different kettle of fish to dsis expecting childcare.

justasking111 · 05/03/2020 14:41

@LakieLady ditto re running about after them. My DIL was a bit sniffy about reins but once I bought them myself and used them for reasons of safety the snaffled them off me Grin

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 14:42

But that has nothing to do with the OP!

Unless there's a massive drip feed and the OP told her mother not to babysit, why is it suddenly her responsibility? She is helping on top of her own commitment. What else is she supposed to do?

ShinyRuby · 05/03/2020 14:42

Your posts do come across as smug & outraged but I think that's to do with an overuse of exclamation marks.
You don't seem to have any compassion for your sister & I wonder if it's often you & dm together commenting on how 'dramatic' your dsis is.
You are a golden child, that's obvious & if you think your brother is one too, then I wonder if your sister has a lifetime of being left out & if she complains, she's dramatic.
I can't help feeling sorry for her. Of course your dm should do whatever she likes but it's tough for your sister which probably explains her (obviously ridiculous) demands for money.
You DID have excellent free childcare for years & saved thousands of pounds. Of course you don't owe your sister a penny but at least show her some sympathy & understanding.

LovePoppy · 05/03/2020 14:44

she has never looked after mine tbh.

@Whatevernext2
why would she have needed to? Your DM always had them!

Evilspiritgin · 05/03/2020 14:46

You really don’t like your sister do you op? The laughing at her calling a 3 month old difficult plus all the little drips in every post, your not the golden child !! As if

I bet she didn’t say “you pay half” the way ops suggesting either, I bet in anger she’s said “are you going to pay half” different connotation altogether, then she was laughed at for daring to be upset

Lynda07 · 05/03/2020 14:50

MrsAJ27 Thu 05-Mar-20 14:39:25
So many rude people on this thread.

This is between your mother and sister, they need to sort this out between them and not get you involved.

Your sister is crazy to even suggest you pay towards her child care.
........
I agree (don't know about the rude people, I haven't read the latest updates). I think what is upsetting the op and prompted her to start this thread is the fact that her sister has demanded she pay towards child care. I daresay that was a hysterical outburst because it's obviously not fair to expect child care payments from op, but it shows how let down the sister feels.

Circumstances change, the grandmother's have, that's life. I hope they can all get over this and be friends again. When grandma is earning I bet she'll (quietly) bung sister a few bob here and there, grans are like that. However that isn't what it's all about.

Brown76 · 05/03/2020 14:56

I remember being furious when I specially arranged to go over to my mums with my baby for a sleep (was in the baby waking every hour in the night stage, and mum promised me a few hours to nap) to find my sibling was there with their kids and there was no nap to be had. Please be a as kind as you can to your sister and find out what you can do to support her.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/03/2020 14:58

I'd be fucked off too if I was your sister.

Not only is she having to deal with the fact that your mum clearly favours you OP. But she is also now looking at her finances and trying to work out how the fuck she is going to be able to pay the bills.

BlodwynBludd · 05/03/2020 15:00

My mil does two days a week school pick ups and evening care for my sil but didn't want to commit to regular care for mine. I worry that mine will grow up to feel like second class grandchildren but otherwise it's her business, her decision and I'm not entitled to any help.

Meggymoo777 · 05/03/2020 15:03

Jesus H Christ... honestly this place is just ridiculous at times. How anyone has taken the OP as being rude, smug, entitled and toxic is beyond me. This whole situation has absolutely nothing to do with her. She obviously has a lovely, close and mutually beneficial relationship with her mum and that is lovely. The relationship between the OPs sister and mother is absolutely nothing to do with her and it's not her obligation to weigh in or fix these problems.

I can definitely understand why the sister is upset... but by my calculations she went ahead with ttc while her mother was sick? Situations change, particularly with older parents and health etc - she should never have completely relied on her mother without knowing she had a plan B. What is the DM became incapacitated it god forbid worse??? Just absolutely ridiculous decision making on the sisters part.

Taking it out on the OP or being in anyway mad at her is just outrageous. Nothing to do with the OP, it's between her and her mother. And if the OP is given special treatment by her mother then that ALSO has sweet FA to do with the OP.

How much does/has your sister done for your mother in recent years OP? Has she contributed as much as you emotionally, financially etc? Helped with housework, shopping, cleaning? I ask as I am definitely given special treatment by my DM... but that is because I am there morning, noon and night for her unlike my entitled Dsis who does absolutely nothing to maintain her relationship with DM.

She's a CF of the highest order suggesting you pay her childcare, I also wouldn't even entertain the idea of collecting her child for her. Tell her to go swing

LovePoppy · 05/03/2020 15:03

Your sister has to realise that GPs age and as they get more elderly they are less able to run around after toddlers

This. At 64, I'm a lot less active tha I was at 57.

In this case though it sounds as though the help was offered at 63 and then reneged at 64. Not offered at 57 and reneged at 64

holidayhuntress · 05/03/2020 15:04

I feel bad for your sister

TitianaTitsling · 05/03/2020 15:05

Am in a similar situation, and my Ps categorically state that they do not see any difference in the support they give to sibling for childcare including overnights for every school holiday and for any holidays for sibling with their DP- however is always busy busy at other times, absolutely, but sadly accept l that this is their choice, I try to look at as they are missing out on a relationship with my amazing DC.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/03/2020 15:06

Look, if I demanded £5k from my parents to pay towards my wedding, that would be unreasonable.

However, when I told them I was marrying the now DH, they offered £5k towards the wedding costs. They also asked for various changes to our plans (that added to the overall costs) which we accomodated partly because they were paying towards the wedding. If, after I had commited to arrangements with suppliers, I asked for the promised money and they refused - that would mean they were in the wrong and unreasonable.

Your Mum's behaviour here is really unfair to your sister. She should not have talked her into having a baby before she was able to afford to on the promise of childcare.

Your sister is not being dramatic to feel very hard done by.

Has your sister made the demand of you partly because you've failed to properly acknowledge your Mum's behaved terribly towards her? She might be trying to flag up to you that frankly, it's easy for you to say "well it's not fair to ask her to do childcare" when you got it for free? If there was only 5 years your mother was able to do childcare and you got them all, is that fair? Does you sister really expect you to pay towards her childcare, or is it she's trying to force you to see your Mum gave you the equivalent of £1k a month for years, and now you are shrugging and saying "yes but if the money's gone, it's gone."

Listen to your sister, don't dismiss her as 'dramatic'. It's ok she's upset.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 05/03/2020 15:08

Things change. While I was willing to childmind ten years ago, I am not willing to do so now. The first familyy got the benefit, subsequent ones pay for their own child care

justasking111 · 05/03/2020 15:11

Health issues can suddenly appear in the healthiest of grandparents. The OP had help seven years ago. Fast forward seven years things can change. We started six years ago. Fast forward to now my OH has to go in for a serious operation which means he will be out of commission for six months afterwards. I will be his carer so looking after grand kids as well to this level will just not be possible.

I think it is best to think can I afford this sans family care and see it as a plus if it is doable.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 05/03/2020 15:13

@DisgruntledGuineaPig
No it is absolutely not all right for the sister to be entitlled. To have grandparent give free childcare is not a right, nor should it be monetised and those that didnt get compensated. Families must realise this. Its not ok she is upset, disappointed maybe. She is being dramatic and Grandma is entitled to a life. This is no fault of the sister. Taking on a baby as you get older is no small task. If she was my daughter I would tell her so. It is her baby, her responsibility. Mothers only mistake was suggesting she could take it on

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