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Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 13:49

@MadameButterface
Pahahahaha- right enough.
Probably a goady troll.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 05/03/2020 13:49

Luckily when I was expecting DD my DM said quite clearly "Do not expect me to provide childcare. I will occasionally babysit and that it". Confused I was gutted not to benefit like other mums I knew but this thread shows it can be a poison chalice.

Nonnymum · 05/03/2020 13:50

diddl The GM looked after her OPs children because she wanted to. The OP wasn't taking advantage. The mother was younger then had just lost her husband and wanted to do somethng to keep herself busy. I am a GM I see that. She got as much from lookng after the children as the OP did having the childcare. Now 7 years later the mother has moved on, her circumstances have changed and she wants to do something else. I dont understand the abuse the OP or her mother is getting here.
I understand the sisters disapointment but not her level of entitlement.

Kanga83 · 05/03/2020 13:50

You don't owe your sister anything in my opinion, and neither does your mum. As a grown woman she should not be having a baby based on childcare promises. I know that the energy my parents had with my first compared to my second changed dramatically, my step dad can barely manage a couple of hours without needing a kip. Older people feel the effects of ageing quicker in a way we may not understand and in a way that they don't have to justify it either. There's a massive difference between being sat behind a desk or a till and running around after a baby and a toddler.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2020 13:50

You still haven’t said if your sister can easily pay childcare. From what you’ve said, she can’t. Can you not understand how distressing her situation must be? She must be beside herself. Laughed at by her sister, her child rejected as too difficult by its’ grandmother and only 3 months post partum.

SnoozyLou · 05/03/2020 13:51

@Oliversmumsarmy it’s 9-12 in a shop sitting behind a till and putting a few trinkets on a shelf. Not a full day on her feet.

I don't think you're quite in touch with reality. Someone said earlier about teachers being poorly paid. Compare that with someone trying to get by on minimum wage.

You didn't need the help. Your sister does. Your mother wouldn't hear of your organising your own childcare, despite the fact you can afford it. Your sister absolutely can't, but your mother intervened and assured her it would be fine. I would assume I could count on her, seeing as though she looked after your 2 children for 7 years. But no. She's decided to retract the offer on the basis that DS's child is "difficult", leaving DS and her family in dire financial straights. And you think DS is unreasonable?

If it were me I'd help her look into benefits and help her see if she can claim anything, if things really are that bad for them.

I wonder how this thread would read if the boot was on the other foot. Regardless, DM's treatment of her "middle child" by making promises then ultimately rejecting her GC sounds absolutely vile.

I don't think you want to help mend this situation because you don't particularly mind that they've fallen out, or are worried about your sister in the slightest. You do sound spoiled.

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 13:53

@SnoozyLou
Agree

SnoozyLou · 05/03/2020 13:55

And I'm not looking at this from the perspective of DS. I'm looking at from your mum's point of view. Would you do this to your younger child? I agree with other posters. There's something toxic in the family dynamic.

Londonmummy66 · 05/03/2020 14:00

I think that even if you are not the golden child you are still unable to grasp the role of your sister as the scapegoat in what is clearly a toxic family. (Given that you admit that there was a golden child - ie your brother - then you are admitting that there is this toxic dynamic in your family.)

WHat your sister will see is that once again she is in her role of the scapegoat being royally screwed over as her not so D Mother has decided that helping her friend in her shop is more important than keeping her promise to her daughter. I bet that your sister has had years of always coming last to everyone else (even a yoga class!!). However what you really fail to grasp is that when a scapegoat has their your own child whom they love to pieces that really throws into focus the years of mistreatment that they received from their parents. That really hurts - then to have the same treatment dished out again huts even more. IN this case what your sister is seeing is that not only is she bottom of the heap after your mothers friend but that this treatment is also being dished out to her child. SO now in your toxic family you have not only a golden child and a scapegoat child but a pair of golden grandchildren and a scapegoat grandchild. Your sister will be sitting there knowing that her child is now less important to your mother than not only your two children but also her friends in the coffeeshop/yoga class/book group. THat is bound to hurt. And the one person who might have shown some sympathy - the other non-golden child in the family, albeit not the scapegoat - is so unsympathetic/lacking in empathy that she comes onto a forum to mock.

Wow

ByeMF · 05/03/2020 14:05

Rejecting her GC? Jesus wept!! I think some posters are projecting here.

Billben · 05/03/2020 14:05

Your sister wanted to start a family and sensibly wanted to save , she’s told not to wait childcare will be there . That has now been removed

I don’t see DSis as sensible at all. Even if the offer of childcare hadn’t been removed, DM could have dropped dead any day looking after DSis’s child (still can). What would she have done then?

At the end of the day, people should stop having kids before they can actually afford them.

Billben · 05/03/2020 14:07

My SIL only had a child once MIL had said she would look after it when she went back to work. She would be unable to work if MIL decided to change her mind.

What a fool 😱

maa1992 · 05/03/2020 14:09

That's crazy lol

akialam · 05/03/2020 14:11

I think the sister's actions when the mother was I'll last year are important here and may have given the mother some food for thought. It's clear that the OP has done a lot for the mother and plans to continue supporting her in the future. Did the sister pick up some of the burden when the mother was ill? Or did she leave it to the OP while still expecting a massive, physically taxing favour from this ill elderly woman in the near future?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2020 14:14

No I am not projecting. Ops mother has rejected the baby as too difficult to mind. She wants to do yoga and work in a shop, be connected with other adults again etc. None of this is unreasonable. It’s the way she’s gone about it that is.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2020 14:15

But it’s actually like being given a cheque for £50k (or whatever the value of childcare) and your mother writing the same cheque for your sister, dangling it in front of her, and then tearing it up because she’s changed her mind.

This is exactly what it's like.

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 14:15

@akialam
I think the OP will answer that in a way to fulfill a narrative that fits her agenda at this point.

I do believe if the sister hadn’t been helpful we would have heard about it by now.

SnoozyLou · 05/03/2020 14:18

Rejecting her GC? Jesus wept!! I think some posters are projecting here.

I agree. I think some posters
probably are.

If someone can't recognise the disparity, I'm not sure we have the crayons to draw it for them.

justasking111 · 05/03/2020 14:21

Spare a thought for the grandparent stuck in the middle here, who might want the money, company, fun of a little job now. We all know parenting little ones is draining and at times very lonely. As a grandparent you have done it all once, do you really have to do it all over again to please everyone.

justasking111 · 05/03/2020 14:22

Should have said again and again, thereby raising three sets of babies. I couldn`t do it.

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/03/2020 14:23

Perhaps granny could have thought about that before she urged her daughter to start a family on the basis that she'd provide the childcare then.

annamie · 05/03/2020 14:23

Why do people going on about what’s fair when they mum is sick?!

When you’re sick, you’re sick. She’s just not up to it anymore and what what’s fair no longer comes into it.

Villanelle92 · 05/03/2020 14:24

That is insane.

No one is ENTITLED to have family members do childcare for them. I mean it must be nice if they can but no one surely expects it.

Your mum is allowed to have a life outside of being a parent/grandparent, I really hope your sister doesn’t put your mum off getting the part time job she wants.

rottiemum88 · 05/03/2020 14:25

*But it’s actually like being given a cheque for £50k (or whatever the value of childcare) and your mother writing the same cheque for your sister, dangling it in front of her, and then tearing it up because she’s changed her mind.

This is exactly what it's like.*

^ This

It's very cruel. I understand your sister feeling wronged. She's maybe misdirecting her anger at you, but based on how you phrase your responses I probably would too in her position.

Helpdesk · 05/03/2020 14:25

Shrekhasabogie

If people are having babies based on the childcare they are promised from their families, then those people are too stupid to be having children.

Agree with Shrek - don’t start a family until you are able to take responsibility for your own decisions & your own children - including financial responsibility.

Op - your DS sounds selfish & entitled, & I’m not surprised your DM has reconsidered her offer accordingly. It’s great when grandparents are involved and have a close relationship with their grandparents, but your DS can still facilitate a close relationship between your DM & her DD without expecting free childcare. That relationship should be your DS primary concern.