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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
katy1213 · 05/03/2020 13:31

Perhaps someone should have bought her a doll for Christmas instead of a baby.

Greenandpleasanter · 05/03/2020 13:31

I can see it from your sister's point of view and I do think you're sounding a bit smug OP. It's not just about the massive cost saving you've received, it's all the other things you haven't had to worry about. You haven't had to worry about when the children were ill and how you were going to cover for it. You haven't had to worry about staff changes. You haven't had to sort out payment for nursery fees. You haven't had to take things in for book day or dressing up day, or all the hundreds of other things working mothers without nannies have to think about. If you had to work late or get held up in traffic you didn't have to pay a surcharge or frantically dash there and apologise. You haven't had to settle them in or worry if they're okay as you could one hundred per cent rely on your mum.

I really think you could show a bit more empathy. And for goodness sake don't say to your sister that you're glad to be through the baby stage.

kateandme · 05/03/2020 13:32

i understand her worry and jealousy on this that is human.but at that point id come to my sister with it and talk and get her love and suppot not deman this!

Windyatthebeach · 05/03/2020 13:32

No disrespect for your choices op and I am sure your dm had your dc in good faith- but after looking after my dgc intensely in the first year I was glad to remove the offer and be a dgm not a childcare provider...
Your dm is not being unreasonable to put herself first and not want that responsibility again.

Morgan12 · 05/03/2020 13:34

Hmmm. Your mum looked after your two for years for free. Then tells your sister to get pregnant sooner because she will look after her kids too. Then says no she won't when the baby is here.

I can see why she is pissed off tbh. But obviously you shouldn't be paying half her childcare costs.

katy1213 · 05/03/2020 13:34

I get that your mum would prefer book club and yoga. @Ellissandra

Sure she would. It's not her job to raise her daughter's children!

MrsBeeluga · 05/03/2020 13:35

@Gazelda spot on Smile.

OP you say your younger sibling is the golden child. Does you mother 'rule' by devide and conquer? That way you will all try to please her (or not confront her), but your sibling relationship will be destroyed.

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 13:35

The mother indulges her own whims with no thought for how it affects other people...
she indulged herself by playing lady bountiful with the first set of grandchildren, she then indulged herself by playing lady bountiful and promising childcare for your sister's child
but then something else took her fancy and she decided to do that instead

TiddlestheCat · 05/03/2020 13:35

Actually, I think that if you agreed to take on most of the care of your mother in elderly age, that would even things out, esp if it allowed your sister the freedom to earn more etc. I actually think that's a sensible suggestion to appease things. You can then say that you weren't given a financial advantage, but it was a reciprocal care arrangement.

cheeseandpineapple · 05/03/2020 13:36

“I REALLY don’t see why I should be fixing it!!”

Maybe not fixing it but you could probably do more to try and help the situation. You’ve already said you think your mum’s being unreasonable but you’re not willing to speak up. You’re getting a hard time because you’re not showing much compassion for your sister.

No one can or should force your mum to help out but you could calmly and diplomatically point out to her that her decision has left your sister in the lurch and would your mum consider at least a term time arrangement for a period of time to help them transition and could you help out in the holidays?

That would give your sister time to put some longer term plans into place?

Ultimately your sister should never have had a child solely relying on your mum but being given no notice of a change of plan without some context is harsh. You don’t owe your sister anything financially but you could probably be doing more as a peacemaker.

Wonkybanana · 05/03/2020 13:37

This isn't just about the money either. The OP never had to worry about how to cope if her child was ill, mum would still look after them. A nursery or childminder probably wouldn't, so the sister has to think about how she's going to have to take time off work, what happens if she has to stay late at work, and a few years down the line how to cope in the school holidays (unless she too is a teacher).

Yes I know it's not all on the sister, her DH will need to share the hassle, but it's still a major source of stress all round.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 13:37

And there we have it, I'm all right Jack, why on earth should I try help my sister.

did you miss the part where the OP has
-a job
-a family
-been helping out a lot

Should the OP resign to become a full time babysitter for her sister maybe? Would that be reasonable to you?

mrsBtheparker · 05/03/2020 13:37

My SIL only had a child once MIL had said she would look after it when she went back to work. She would be unable to work if MIL decided to change her mind.

What a stupid SIL you have there, what happens if the free child-minder gets ill or, worst case scenario, dies, is she going to send the child back?

alliwantisabitofpeace · 05/03/2020 13:38

I can see why your sister is pissed off but quite frankly having a baby based on your mother is ridiculous. She should have taken the fact your mother but be taken ill at anytime, died or had a change in circumstances into consideration.

Your mother should not change her mind just because she did it for you if she does not feel she can cope in the situation. That would not be fair on anyone. Although it would be nice for her to offer childcare in some way that she feel she could cope with (collect after work till your sister got home or a full day a week).

Its great that your mother was in a situation to be able to provide help for you when you needed it but your sister should not blame you for it and nor should you pay. But again the offer of help when you are able to would be nice.

CroissantsAtDawn · 05/03/2020 13:39

It's also a rejection of the DC.

DD1's DC must not go to nursery. GM will look after them.

DD2 - nope, your DC is too difficult, it'll have to go to nursery...

I imagine the difference will be seen and felt for many years. GM will know the 1st 2 DC much better (their likes, dislikes, character etc.) and will closer than to the DC put in nursery.

CaMePlaitPas · 05/03/2020 13:41

I haven't read the full thread, just the original post but honestly, some people have more front than Selfridges. Tell her to take a deep breath and don't you dare give her any money and make sure your Mum takes this job. Selfish cow.

Seeitsortit · 05/03/2020 13:44

Hope you’re not expecting the cousins all being friends OP, I doubt your dc’s will ever get to know them as the years go on because if I was your dsis I wouldn’t exactly want to be too involuntary with the rest of my family after this - your DM has been totally one sided and you say that you are upset about it but not willing to do anything about it. It’s alright you saying that she likes her lifestyle - how much did your lifestyle change by paying to both go off on spa days and have cosy shopping days.......and was she invited along or yet more isolation......

springydaff · 05/03/2020 13:44

Then I suggest you read RTFT, CaMe. You may change your braying mind.

diddl · 05/03/2020 13:44

" I REALLY don’t see why I should be fixing it!!*

And there we have it, I'm all right Jack, why on earth should I try help my sister."*

I agree that it comes across like that .

But at the end of the day unless Op can offer childcare, there's not much she can do is there?

I'd probably feel that I should offer something towards childcare, having spent nothing on it when I could have afforded it.

I wonder if Op's mum would have thought about a job if her friend hadn't opened a shop?

Maybe if she hadn't done free childcare for so many years, she wouldn't be needing the moneyWink

MadameButterface · 05/03/2020 13:45

What i find most farfetched about this is the idea that someone claiming to be a teacher has such a creative relationship with punctuation and can post on mn during school hours but that’s just me

haha!!!!!! Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 05/03/2020 13:46

Mmmm I've caught up with the thread now. When you said you didn't need the free childcare for two child care but accepted it anyway, already financially ok - this is fine of course and money disparity isn't your fault either ... it's how you seem to have zero empathy for your sister who may have banked on some degree (I think if I'd been her and had a conversation with DM about future childcare I'd err on the side as f caution and expect I'd perhaps get half of what's promised when it happens, she's getting older after all) of help.

Whilst the situation isn't your fault your lack of compassion for someone who isn't going to be as fortunate as you, isn't a great look OP. You don't even seem to grasp the value of what DM did for you, even after the odd Sainsbury's bill, petrol, spa day etc.

Also, maybe DM is more knackered than a year ago because of the sheer toll of looking after your kids?

akialam · 05/03/2020 13:47

Did your sister help out when your dm was ill last year? If she left it all to you I can see why your dm has decided to prioritise her own health and wellbeing over childcare favours for your sister. It's a bit ridiculous to not help out in your mother's time of need while simultaneously expecting a massive favour in the near future. The same can be said about your mother's future care though I've already seen that you're already expecting to do the bulk of that.

If your sister did help, your mother is massively unreasonable and has royally screwed your sister over.

Frenchw1fe · 05/03/2020 13:47

The judgy Mnetters are out in force today.
It's not op's fault or responsibility re her dm and dsis and childcare. She struck lucky, of course her sis is upset but it's between her and her dm.
OP never said 'get pregnant because dm will provide childcare.'

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 13:47

You’re gas lighting your sister and her feelings , you are aware of that aren’t you?
I agree with others that you could be toxic.
Your sister wanted to start a family and sensibly wanted to save , she’s told not to wait childcare will be there . That has now been removed , she is a new mum, with a ‘difficult’ baby and you laughed in her face. You clearly didn’t struggle with difficult babies, or the worry and huge expense of childcare . While I really do understand she’s being very brazen to ask for the help she’s maybe really fucking frightened and overwhelmed and feeling completely inadequate as to why the universe has handed you these things on a silver platter while she’s digging in the dirt to survive.
When you go to ‘help’ do you remind her how hard work her baby is and how good your kids are?
Do you make her feel stupid and foolish for not being ‘strong’ enough at your father’s funeral.
Maybe this is the best thing to happen, she’ll take a massive step back from her family and seek support elsewhere.
I do hope she’s ok.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2020 13:48

@Whatevernext2

Have you not expressed to your sister that you think it's unfair?

Have you not expressed to your mum why your sister is upset?

Is your mother really oblivious to what she's done?

As a GM who has provided care to all her grandchildren I do understand why your mum is tired and wants to do her own thing, but she really has treated your sister badly in all this. Never make promises you can't keep.

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