To demand consequences for this child?

[Grobagsforever]

Would appreciate some views here, will try and stick to objective facts.

DD, aged 9 has had on and off issues with a boy in her class. It started with low level name calling which I'm prepared to ignore, they are kids.

It has escalated to serious verbal abuse and violence. Over the last few weeks she has had her foot stamped on, been pushed, been wacked in the chest by his bag and yesterday 'kicked between the legs'. This is addition to similar incidents last year, the attacks went quiet for winter term. Note, this is affecting DD's school work.

In the last week this boy has also bitten another girl and knee-ed her in the stomach. I have spoken with this poor girl's parents to verify this. We are certain the girls are being truthful.

None of these assaults are reported to us, the parents. The schools method of dealing with it seems to be to send the boy for walks to 'cool off'. Worse, they minimise his behaviour, telling DD 'well at least it wasn't as bad as last time'.

It seemed DD and other girls are simply expected to absorb this boy's violent behaviour as the school cannot deal with him. I feel his behaviour should result in a temporary exclusion. He shows a worrying trend of violence against girls (there are other examples with different girls) and defends himself by saying 'she wound me up' - which sounds like one of the DV posts on here!

Additionally this boy has threatened to 'kill' my daughter at a shared activity this week, thankfully the instructor for this activity is taking the threat seriously (I don't think he is actually going to seriously harm her but that is not the point) and will exclude the child from the activity until the matter is dealt with.

I have previously trying dealing direct with him mum. There some mitigating circumstances for his behaviour but I feel mum is also minimising his behaviour and that I've exhausted that route.

I plan the contact the Head tomorrow and explain I expect consequences and a review of how the school has minimised the behaviour, not reported the assaults and generally failed in their safeguarding.

Am I over reacting? I plan to escalate and keep escalating until this matter has been dealt with,

Call the non-emergency police line to report your daughter has been sexually assaulted, violently attacked and received death threats by another child at school and you know she isn't the only one. Even if the other child is under 10, the police should get social involved. I'd also contact ofstead with urgent safeguarding concerns.
The other mother ought to be ashamed, there is no excuse to be okay with this behaviour. It's so important to parent your children, especially boys.

Call the non-emergency police line to report your daughter has been sexually assaulted

She has not been sexually assaulted.

In the UK, isn't the statistic a girl gets raped every day at school? Need to intervene with little thug before he hits puberty.

He violently attacked her vagina,i imagine most consider that sexual assualt.

You only have the right to insist on measures to keep your dd safe, not for "consequences" for the perpetrator. The school already know there are issues and may well be working to getting support for them and him, which may include extra staff and resources, involving external specialists, referral to Children's Services, discussion with family and so on , but none of this can be shared with you.

The police wouldn't. What with the definition of sexual assault being The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent.

There is no need to make stuff up when simple assault is enough.

Start documenting everything with a paper trail. Email the head with details of why you want a meeting, even if you have already phoned. And state the class teacher is minimising the attacks on your daughter. Bullet point incidents, this is a safeguarding issue, etc. Be firm. This is your daughters safety

He violently attacked her vagina

I'm guessing you don't know where the vagina is.

When my DD had issues at school and the Head wasn't reacting, I went straight in with a letter copied to the Board of Governors, Ofsted and the local Education department. Soon got a reaction then.

You need the other parent to join in too - they can't ignore two of you, and the other possible way to deal with it is to keep your DD off school. They'll soon intervene when her attendance drops and you can explain that you're not sending her in until her safety can be guaranteed.

Having been in a similar situation with DD when she was in reception, the school do not have to divulge anything about the boy and his circumstance or any consequences to you.

Contact the head and ask for a copy of the anti-bullying policy and safeguarding policy. Ask for an explanation of how these are being implemented in relation to your DD. I wouldn't even bring the other girl into this. If the explanation / results are not good enough escalate to the governors.

Contacting the mail, boys parents or anything else is not going to help at this stage.

From what I can see at my own school, as soon as a chid becomes aggressive or starts bullying, the school automatically jumps to their defence and assumes that the child has some underlying abuse at home or issue. This is not always the case. Some DC are just not very nice. As a result that child comes under their safeguarding umbrella and is defended and anyone who suffers as a consequence, well so be it because so long as the school passes it's audit they don't care.

One of my DC was bullied quite badly by a child that waded through children like a bulldozer. Many left the year and others have the scars to show for it. My DS was also bullied by a few other DC because they saw that it was easy to get away with. They turn a blind eye to the children whose education is screwed up and whose mental health is wobbled by having to put up with these situations.

I wouldn’t really care what the boy’ s issues were I would only want my dd to be able to go to school without being hit punched and kicked.
I also think it’s debatable about a kick between the legs being a sexual assault if it was targeted in that area with intent I think it could be argued that it was.
Head is first port of call. Your dd must be protected bottom line.

Forgot to add.

No wonder our younger generation have high levels of anxiety and depression. Schools shuffle papers and make sure they have ticked the checklist and pat themselves on the back for being on the right side of woke.

Building resilience - tick
Challenging behaviour - tick

I wouldn't demand consequences for the child.

I would demand a detailed plan of how my child was going to be safeguarded.

Contact the head and the local childrens safeguarding board in the same email. Don't ring, get it all in writing.

Getting things written down does IME mean they are less easily dismissed and yes you have to focus on your child and what they are doing to keep her safe.

Based on what's happend to other parents in this type of situation - many have to move schools to get away from it in the end - though that depends on how the head teacher her reacts once you've met with them but something that you may well need to consider.

no you are not over reacting, I was in a very similar situation, the boy would climb under tables and bite girls knees, hit out at them, also threatened to kill my dd and had to be dragged away by other pupils! never started on boys though! the school didn't try to minimise it luckily and they have since moved to a different school but the level of violence from this child was shocking! the whole class would be removed while he was chucking chairs around! The school were told by myself and other parents its irrelevant the child has issues, whole classes should have to suffer & fear him because they could deal with him

• should not

I would also refer to the kick between the legs as a sexual assault... That may trigger involvement from social services and it sounds like that's needed.

I agree. The boy’s learned that from somewhere. He may be at risk too.

How the child is being punished isn't relevant to you. What happens after an incident of violence (including communication) and what is in place to keep your daughter safe is.

There was a similar case to this when I was in school. There was this boy who was a fucking little prick, being violent and abusive towards girls, both verbally and physically. We girls were all at the receiving end of his outbursts. Of course it was all done during recess when no teacher witnessed it, so there was no evidence against him, and frankly, the teachers didn’t really give a shit. One day we decided to take action against him to teach him a lesson. We cornered him during recess and beat him up together. We ganged up on him like chickens on a bullying dog until he whimpered and cried. We told him if he dared to touch any of us one more time we’ll come down on him like a ton of bricks and he’ll never forget it. He was never shitty with us again.

I think you have to concentrate on your DD and ask what they do to make things safe for her.
You have no rights to demand certain things for the bully - and in fact you have no rights to know what actions they may have taken against him.

@Smartanimal I like your style. Yanbu I'd be livid if it was my child on either side of the situation, the bully or victim.
Have you spoke to the boy's DM. Sorry I haven't rtft.

It's enough to make you wonder what this boy is witnessing at home to make him act like this torwards girls. If he is seeing domestic violence at home then he is also in need of help and support because that is a horrific thing for a child to go through. If I were you, I'd have a word with the head teacher and just mention this. No excuse for bullying though. The school needs to put a stop to it.

practical steps.

1. see the head. be veyr clear that your dd is not being kept safe. You cannot ask for consequences for the other child, but you can ask that your dd is kept safe. Be clear about what that means. No more physical assaults and no more verbal assaults. Call it by its name. The boy is physically and emotionally violent to girls. Your dd is not goign to be be the victim of that. The school needs ot up its game.

Also be clear that the solution is not to disadvantage your dd, eg SHE shouldn't have to stay in at playtime. HE needs ot be 1:1 supervised.

1. Keep a log of all incidents, go back and record as many as you can, factually and with clear detail as to what was said, where she was hot etc.
2. Write down eveyr meeting and discussion. So, after you meeting with the head, send them a friendly email which says:

following our meeting yesterday, I woudl justlike to confirm in writing that we discussed XX regular assault on dd and that the schools plan of action is Y and Z. Eveyr time she comes home hurt, send an email to teacher with head cc'd, - dd came home from school today and reported XX I was not informed at pick up time, nor was there any action to safeguard dd when the incident happened.

1. If there is no change, send in a letter to the head, with a copy to the chair of governors, with copies of the emails and the log and ask for further action to be taken as the school is failing to safeguard your dd.

Above all, stay calm, focus on what you need the school to do for your child, and keep records