To demand consequences for this child?

[Grobagsforever]

Would appreciate some views here, will try and stick to objective facts.

DD, aged 9 has had on and off issues with a boy in her class. It started with low level name calling which I'm prepared to ignore, they are kids.

It has escalated to serious verbal abuse and violence. Over the last few weeks she has had her foot stamped on, been pushed, been wacked in the chest by his bag and yesterday 'kicked between the legs'. This is addition to similar incidents last year, the attacks went quiet for winter term. Note, this is affecting DD's school work.

In the last week this boy has also bitten another girl and knee-ed her in the stomach. I have spoken with this poor girl's parents to verify this. We are certain the girls are being truthful.

None of these assaults are reported to us, the parents. The schools method of dealing with it seems to be to send the boy for walks to 'cool off'. Worse, they minimise his behaviour, telling DD 'well at least it wasn't as bad as last time'.

It seemed DD and other girls are simply expected to absorb this boy's violent behaviour as the school cannot deal with him. I feel his behaviour should result in a temporary exclusion. He shows a worrying trend of violence against girls (there are other examples with different girls) and defends himself by saying 'she wound me up' - which sounds like one of the DV posts on here!

Additionally this boy has threatened to 'kill' my daughter at a shared activity this week, thankfully the instructor for this activity is taking the threat seriously (I don't think he is actually going to seriously harm her but that is not the point) and will exclude the child from the activity until the matter is dealt with.

I have previously trying dealing direct with him mum. There some mitigating circumstances for his behaviour but I feel mum is also minimising his behaviour and that I've exhausted that route.

I plan the contact the Head tomorrow and explain I expect consequences and a review of how the school has minimised the behaviour, not reported the assaults and generally failed in their safeguarding.

Am I over reacting? I plan to escalate and keep escalating until this matter has been dealt with,

Absolutely not an overreaction and the school haven't done enough to deal with it so far. I would say exactly what the pp's have said and further to that I would say that the other child's mum should be in doing the same.
My son was bullied and his school was useless so the minute I read a bullying thread my hackles go up - this child needs dealing with now before his behaviour escalates.

@lorenzo - glad this is amusing for you.

You're handling this with such dignity OP.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous. Go to the daily mail before the head? Hmm...

Your approach is the right one. Speak to the head and ask what will be done to protect your daughter. If the response isn't satisfactory, go to the governors.

@mummyoflittledragon. Yes I think to get the Head's attention those words are going be necessary. She's new in post and drowning a little I think.

There was a bit like this in DS’s class when he was at primary school, they school we’re equally as useless so the parents of the children he assaulted started going to the police and social services every time it happened, it was then felt with and the children were protected adequately.
I would suggest you do the same @Grobagsforever and let the other parents know that’s what you are doing.

It isn't sexual assault.

The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent.

That aside, your reaction is entirely proportionate - I would also be going in demanding to know how they were going to keep my daughter safe and keep going until they did keep her safe.

That boy clearly needs help but your focus can only be on your DD.

Good luck!

I agree with @Ponoka7 near the start of the thread. If you approach this with the head teacher today as concern for both children you will come across as very fair and reasonable. (As you are here). I'd even consider inviting the boys mam in to a meeting with school. But that might be pie in the sky.

Bit = boy
We’re = were
Felt = dealt

That’ll tech me for trying to use Siri to dictate text while I multitask. 🤦‍♀️

We are having a similar option and it's so frustrating:(

Yes school should do more to protect your dd that is what you need to focus on. Quite rightly they will not share with you any difficulties or problems this boy has nor and strategies or consequences for his behaviour. Naming and shaming, harsh punishment etc might make some feel people feel better but won't actually help the children. Take it as high as you need to but focus on your dd being kept safe, not asking for anyone's head.

Escalate, sleak to the head, board of governors whoever else you need to. Your daughter is the priority and she needs to feel school is a safe environment to thrive in. The boy needs to be excluded the very least.

Agree with pp, you need to frame your conversation around safeguarding your DD rather than demanding consequences for this boy.

You need to concentrate on the fact that the school are not keeping your daughter safe. Demanding consequences will not change anything.
Going to the police about a primary age child is pointless and social services are very unlikely to do anything unless the school involves them.

This child sounds like he needs an SEMH school but getting a place at one is like hens teeth. So schools end up having to try and manage these children. The result is they end up being failed and other children end up suffering.

Go to the Head and say you want a plan of action to keep your DD safe. List all the incidents with dates if you have them. This will help not only your DD but also provide evidence which might help the school get 1-1 support for the boy.
Don’t have any more interaction with his Mum. It sounds like she is aware of the issues and also struggling because she can’t control what happens in school. Your evidence might also take some pressure off her if the school can get more support for her son.
Your poor DD needs someone looking out for her. Getting the right support for this boy would be a good first step. But until that happens a plan of action to protect her needs to be in place.

I think the DM remark was sarcastic.
Frankly I'd be tempted to keep my dd off but I understand why your dd is refusing. If there's another incident though, I think you'd have no choice.

For clarity, I don't want the school to share the boy's confidential issues with me. I am aware of them because I have been dealing with the mum up until this point.

I do want reassurance he is being dealt with.

I will escalate if the school don't provide adequate reassurance, I have the contact details for the council's safeguarding department as a next step if needed.

If you are going to escalate follow the correct procedure otherwise you will be sent back down the chain again.

Yabu to demand consequences. The school will not be able to discuss how they deal with the other child. However, yanbu to demand that they put a plan in place to keep your child - and other children - safe. You need assurances that your dd will be protected from any further risk of harm. That should be your main focus.

Ok.
This morning my first action would be to not send my daughter to school.
Second would be me speaking to the head and asking for their safeguarding and bullying policies to be emailed to me.
I would also email the governors and provide them with full information and all events.
I would also speak to social services for advice.

Your poor dd.
It’s 2020, bullying has gone on since the very beginning - why are schools still struggling to deal with this?

@AlexaShutUp she’s not demanding consequences- she wants reassurance that her daughter will be safe from harm at school.
No one should have to ask this, or demand it- it should be a given.

I am aware of them because I have been dealing with the mum up until this point

If the issues happened in school you should have gone to the school in the first place. Equally if they happen in an outside activity, you go to the organiser of that activity.

Although some MNers won't have it parents actually don't say to their kids "go into school and beat up OP's DD today". They aren't encouraging or minimising it, they don't know what to do. The school has professionals and access to more specialist professionals and that's why you should contact them. But no demanding consequences, you've had some good advice on here about what you need to say.

Agree it's not a sexual assault, but it's an assault none the less.

I would be keeping my daughter out of school until they take it seriously. I’d be there every day making a nuisance of myself until the did something about it. If the still refused I’d involve the LEA and eventually the police.

In no world would I continue to send my daughter to be abused every day.

If a teacher was doing this to a child nobody would accept it, but apparently if a child is doing it, kids are just supposed to work together to get along.

child is SEN

A child isn’t SEN. A child has SEN. It’s an important distinction.

I do want reassurance he is being dealt with

I think you need to focus on what they are doing to keep your DD safe. What they are doing to "deal with" the boy is somewhat irrelevant as it might not be what you'd like them to do but what is right for the boy given any personal circumstances.Your focus needs to be your DD, not him.

Ultimately they are failing to keep your DD safe.