To demand consequences for this child?

[Grobagsforever]

Would appreciate some views here, will try and stick to objective facts.

DD, aged 9 has had on and off issues with a boy in her class. It started with low level name calling which I'm prepared to ignore, they are kids.

It has escalated to serious verbal abuse and violence. Over the last few weeks she has had her foot stamped on, been pushed, been wacked in the chest by his bag and yesterday 'kicked between the legs'. This is addition to similar incidents last year, the attacks went quiet for winter term. Note, this is affecting DD's school work.

In the last week this boy has also bitten another girl and knee-ed her in the stomach. I have spoken with this poor girl's parents to verify this. We are certain the girls are being truthful.

None of these assaults are reported to us, the parents. The schools method of dealing with it seems to be to send the boy for walks to 'cool off'. Worse, they minimise his behaviour, telling DD 'well at least it wasn't as bad as last time'.

It seemed DD and other girls are simply expected to absorb this boy's violent behaviour as the school cannot deal with him. I feel his behaviour should result in a temporary exclusion. He shows a worrying trend of violence against girls (there are other examples with different girls) and defends himself by saying 'she wound me up' - which sounds like one of the DV posts on here!

Additionally this boy has threatened to 'kill' my daughter at a shared activity this week, thankfully the instructor for this activity is taking the threat seriously (I don't think he is actually going to seriously harm her but that is not the point) and will exclude the child from the activity until the matter is dealt with.

I have previously trying dealing direct with him mum. There some mitigating circumstances for his behaviour but I feel mum is also minimising his behaviour and that I've exhausted that route.

I plan the contact the Head tomorrow and explain I expect consequences and a review of how the school has minimised the behaviour, not reported the assaults and generally failed in their safeguarding.

Am I over reacting? I plan to escalate and keep escalating until this matter has been dealt with,

In primary school my dd was poked in the eye with a lead pencil.
More than half a dozen trips to hospital and they didn't even tell his df...
Told the dm who had very limited contact with the dc..
I told the df and school went mad!! Apparently I had no right to!!.
No consequences at all for the dc who did it.
No faith in schools much these days tbh...
Too much support for the bully and not enough for the victims..
Imo.

Excellent post from SonEtLumiere.

Totally not an over reaction. The school are pathetic and need to do something about him. I doubt if your daughter was doing this to him then it would be minimised and glossed over. As you said there seems to be a trend of violence towards females. Worrying but not your daughters issue to accept / put up with / condone. He needs to have some consequences for his actions rather than the message being "oh well, it's not as bad as last time".

Firstly I'm sorry that this is happening to your daughter and no ones child should be going through any form of bullying in life.
I 100% agree with the position that @SonEtLumiere has suggested.

If you don't get any satisfaction speaking to them, perhaps startling them would get the desired results. By that if your daughter is expected to just take the hitting/punching/kicking between the legs, say to whomever you're meeting with
"Right so, would you mind standing up so I can kick you between the legs?...Oh, you don't want that? Why is that? Why is my daughter expected to take a kicking because you're not doing enough to stop it but you're able to say no? My daughter says no and you're not doing anything to stop it from happening on a daily basis. What are you planning on doing now?"

@AlexaShutUp she’s not demanding consequences- she wants reassurance that her daughter will be safe from harm at school.

I've already made it clear that I think it's entirely reasonable for her to want reassurance that her dd will be protected from any risk of harm in school. Of course she should expect that. However, the title of this thread and the OP state that she does intend to demand consequences for the boy, so I'm not sure why you think this isn't the case. My advice is that she should focus on what her dd needs, and not on the other child. And her dd needs to be confident that she can go to school without fear or risk of any bullying, name-calling, physical or sexual assault.

Does the Head actually know? Your DD is coming home and telling you and you have corresponded with the boy's mother. Presumably the teacher knows but as you said earlier, she is overwhelmed.

If she is new to teaching or to the school, it could be that she doesn't want to flag up issues of behaviour to the Head in case she is threatened with capability. So actually, the Head might not know how bad the situation is.

It's all too easy to go in demanding x, y & z. To your credit OP, you have kept calm and that is the route you need to take. Ask to see the head ASAP and say that it is a safeguarding concern. As others have said, ask how they are going to safeguard your DD as it hasn't happened correctly recently. Then give him/her chance to sort it out.

If nothing changes, that's when to escalate this, but for now, try to keep calm and let them do their job.

What on earth are the "mitigating circumstances" re his action? " Dereliction in duty of care to your daughter and other vulnerable children" is the phrase to use.

YABU at all OP. I’d be on the war path if it was my child.

Tell the head if they fail to act and safeguard your DD then you’ll be contacting OFSTED. OFSTED take safeguarding complaints very seriously so it should put a rocket up his arse.

You are not overreacting, something needs to be done. If he's making these kind of threats and showing these behaviours now, what's he going to be doing in the future!

I agree with a PP that you need to focus on the safeguarding issues rather than consequences for the child. This shouldn't be so much about punishment for the boy but more about on what steps they are putting in place to ensure this does not happen again. This might include 1-2-1 supervision, or exclusion from the class for period but has to be focused on what will work long term to keep your daughter safe.

Of course, you are not overreacting.

As for consequences my view is that all boys who show hostility to girls in any way, shape or form should be made to know, in no uncertain terms, that their behaviour is wrong, bad and unacceptable.

Re my comment above - this is because it is not just about safeguarding or protecting girls, it is about making boys know that their behaviour is completely wrong and unacceptable. Safeguarding is a bandaid. This is about change.

OP,
The impact on your child is really huge.
She will never forget this period in school when she was assaulted multiple times and sexually assaulted by another child.

I am astonished that this has happened multiple times.

You need to advocate for your child.

The boy in this is NOT your concern.

The teacher is happy for this to continue.
She has seen your child assaulted multiple times and hasn't done anything concrete to resolve this or even contact you, the parent.
Unbelievable.

This has been allowed to continue because the boy has not seen any consequences.

I would keep your child out of school today.
Go to the school and tell the Head what has occurred.
Inform them that you are logging the sexual assault with the police.
Inform them that you are logging the assaults with SS.

Children have their school
Your child being sexually assaulted is NOT the time to be accommodating with the school.

You can very calmly tell them in a very measured way that they have made a HUGE mistake not dealing with this situation.

Your poor daughter, being repeatedly assaulted at school.

Where is your DD's father in this?
If any boy laid a hand on my daughter's, the school wouldn't know what hit them for fuss my extremely calm husband would unleash.

Protect your daughter OP.

my view is that all boys who show hostility to girls in any way, shape or form should be made to know, in no uncertain terms, that their behaviour is wrong, bad and unacceptable.

Personally I think that children who show hostility to other children in any way, shape or forms should be made to know, in no uncertain terms, that their behaviour is wrong, bad and unacceptable.

and sexually assaulted by another child.

She has not been sexually assaulted. 🙄

There’s a lot of sensible posts on here but also a lot of pp going way over the top. If the head teacher is not aware this is happening of course that’s your first move. All this talk of police and social services and OFSTED before even talking to the head is mad.

Good luck OP. Mention you know how to escalate this and mention OFSTED re failure to safeguard.

Would it be worth phoning social services yourself noting the concerns you have re this child and that the violence/ threats to kill mean you are concerned what they are being exposed too?

I kept my daughter off school because she was being bullied. I rang the school and told them I wouldn’t send my daughter back until it was safe. The school took me seriously and sorted the bullying out. Why should kids go somewhere they don’t feel safe.

You can’t demand anything to do with the boy. You can’t demand to know he is being dealt with.

What you can demand is that your daughter is kept safe. You can demand to know what they are doing to achieve this.

We had something similar. A child with problems at home that were not being dealt with as mum would move every 12 to 18 months to avoid exclusion.
We felt sorry for child. Spoke to mum. Didn't stop.
Spoke to school and governors, didn't stop. Took photos of the bruising, charged mum for damaged clothes, spoke to teachers. Didn't stop. Complained to landlord. Kid terrorised neighbourhood and attacked kids playing out. Didn't stop. Eventually stopped when mum moved away at the end of primary school.
Awful situation to be in.
Quoted their policies, quoted government guidelines, didn't stop.
My battle was about safeguarding. The school failed us badly. They asked if we wanted to take our child out and put him somewhere else. Words escaped me at that point and I realised the head was never going to follow her own policies.
Every child has the right to be educated in a safe environment. Every child. Not just some.
Start documenting, photographing bruises, follow their policies to the letter but most of all, write and confirm the conversations you have with staff, head and anyone else.
Sorting it with his mum has failed. Time to take it up with the place who is trusted with your child for 6 hours a day.

Contact the head and the local childrens safeguarding board in the same email.

Don't ring, get it all in writing.

Give the Head a chance to tackle it but mention you will escalate it if your daughter is not protected whilst under their care.

I came on here last year with a similar situation going on. my 4-year old was being targeted by a year 2 child who has behavioural problems. she is fostered and the foster parents talk to us at the gates quite openly about it. I was putting my place on here by a lot of people when I said I felt this child needed supervising at lunchtime or going to a different type of school. I was told that I had no right to to judge this child or decide what was best for her. I didn't have a right to judge her or decide what was best for her I agree. It was more a common-sense thing.

she was going outside at lunchtime and attacking reception and year 1 children. she was kicking them pushing him to the floor punch him in the face just being awful in general. it was frustrating for a couple of months as more more kids are getting hurt by her and the school just continue to let her go outside at lunch and carry it on. it seems to have improved the last month because my daughter has not mentioned her anymore.

I don't think any child should have to tolerate a child with behaviour problems beating them up and scaring them at school. Whilst I can completely sympathize with any bored child that has learning difficulties and the fact that cut back so bad and this country it's not our children's responsibility to be on the end of their behaviour.

it can massively affect children being bullied and pushed around by a child regardless of the underlying problems. my fear was my daughter would lose her love for school because of it at the time. I thought we've come this far she's settled in fairly well and now she's got to worry about a bigger child hurting her when she's only 4. thankfully it hasn't potter after school and she looks go with him but I'm sure it puts a lot of children off going to school. I know this particular child throws desks and gets really angry in the classroom to. The way the school deal with this is they take everybody else out the class while they calm her down. that's very disruptive to the other kids and it's very intimidating for them. I also feel for the teachers who are at risk of being hurt or one of their pupils being hurt in their care. There's always that scary risk that a desk or chair will be thrown at a person one day.

I think you need to ring up the office and request a meeting with your child's teacher. Get your little girl to tell you everything that's happened and write it down and get your child to write it down if she's good at writing. I would ask them what they're going to do to protect your child from this particular child and keep a diary. If it continues to happen and they don't do anything about it you can actually take it higher.

I think these kind of situations happening every single school now. It's the government's fault for making it really hard for parents to get the support that their children need. It's really hard for them to get a place in a school sometimes that would perhaps have more one-on-one for them. it's just scary how many classrooms now have aggressive children in them that need more than they are being given.

I hope your little girls ok and can get back to live in school soon as she should not be anybody's punch bag regardless.

Sorry for the typos! Used my microphone. They should say poor child. Not bored child.

you are not overreacting.

I was the victim of a violent angry child like this when I was 10. it was really disturbing and upsetting for me, how the other child's unhappiness, and the fact that he wanted to deal with that by hurting me, was prioritised over my own physical safety. it was my first experience of cultural misogyny.

please fight for your daughter and teach her that she matters.