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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He works abroad and said the girls there are really attractive

180 replies

JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 08:21

AIBU - Probably am

Boyfriend of 1yr and a half (hes 25, i"m 23) works abroad.
He goes away for 2 weeks, comes home for 2.
He came back and told me the girls are really attractive where he is and on night outs they always want to talk to him but he tells them he has a girlfriend.
Aibu to feel a bit insecure about this?

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 04/03/2020 12:57

Maybe he is trying to test the waters, to see how you react. I can’t think of a nice reason why he would say such a thing.

It takes a lot of self control but I would try to not react and sees what he says or will do next.
I’d be wary anyhow from this point OP, sorry to say so.

billy1966 · 04/03/2020 13:29

OP, boundaries are very important in a relationship.

They are the deal breakers that teach other people how we expect to be treated.

Having good boundaries help us weed out the pricks that are in the general population.

Having good boundaries means that you are less likely to waste time with tosser's.

Having good boundaries means that we are inevitably treated with respect by the people we form relationships with.

When you don't have boundaries and don't really know what they are, you are very vulnerable to the abusive twats that roam this earth.

Spending time learning about boundaries would be the best gift you could give yourself OP.

Remember....we teach people how they can treat us.
Wishing you well.

Grumpos · 04/03/2020 13:33

What a charmer.
He’s just an immature twat, looking for a reaction or to transfer some insecurity on his part towards you.
You could tell him to stop and that the convo has hurt your feelings a bit.
If he doesn’t take that on board then I’d think about ditching him.
Why be with someone who purposely wants you to doubt yourself

Writersblock2 · 04/03/2020 13:37

He’s young. You don’t need his shit. Tell him to go off and taste the local cuisine all he wants.

Dozer · 04/03/2020 13:38

Do you trust him to be faithful?

Why do you think he might perceive you mentioning this again as “going on and on”: is “don’t go on about this” the kind of stance he’s taken with you before when you’ve mentioned concerns about his behaviour or words?

Given your ages, geographical locations and his recent behaviour it’s probable this relationship won’t last. If you choose to stay in it, would therefore focus primarily on your own career, friendships and interests.

Dozer · 04/03/2020 13:41

I put up with way too much crap at your age, and in retrospect there were clear signs men I was dating were bad news.

There was no MN back then, although friends/family could see it. Had I had MN and / or listened to people with healthier “boundaries” / more experience or sense I might have wasted less time and emotional angst with a couple of tossers I was in love with!

Being in love is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone you don’t trust / isn’t into you anymore / isn’t treating you well.

angell84 · 04/03/2020 14:22

@dozer.

Exactly l, I am in my thirties, and if I could give my twenty something two pieces of advice, it would be:

1)Do not let other women tear you down. Do not let other women tell you that you are bad. You are beautiful, amazing, nice and kind.

  1. Do not waste precious years of your life on bad men. Put serious thought into what men you let into your life. You are precious and you deserve the best. If they are bad, not only will they hurt you at the time, they will leave you in pain after they go. Taking years of your life. Choose wisely.

I read a quote in a book, it said "people put more thought into what handbag they choose, than into what partner they choose".

You need to look at his character, and be very careful about who you let into your life

Original poster
JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 15:41

Thanks everybody for your advice!!! So having a vote,
Do i bring it up tonight or not, even just to say it upset me,
Or is it best to leave it?

OP posts:
Damntheman · 04/03/2020 16:08

I would bring it up calmly. Say, I wanted to clearly state that when you said X and Y I found it really upsetting and ask that you don't say such things again.

Then if he apologises all is well. If he doubles down and says you're being ridiculous and it was all a huge joke he's being a dick. Keep reiterating that it hurt you and you want it to stop.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/03/2020 16:21

Just leave HIM

Eckhart · 04/03/2020 16:35

@JoSwiss1212 What would you like the outcome to be, if you talk to him about it? What would be your aim, in discussing this?

angell84 · 04/03/2020 16:46

say it!

ambereeree · 04/03/2020 16:49

Get rid of the loser. You're only 23...find another boyfriend.

Moomin8 · 04/03/2020 16:50

Op, the main problem is that you don't realise that you can do much better than this.

If you must stay with hike though, you not only bring it up but tell him you don't appreciate his attempts to bring you down. Ask if he wants to hear about your exes who had a bigger penis than him?

mencken · 04/03/2020 17:00

is the sex really so good as to make you put up with this childish bore? Does he have no other topics of conversation?

Millions more fish in the sea.

grizzlysky · 04/03/2020 17:01

he sounds awful omg.

billy1966 · 04/03/2020 17:15

I don't think he's worth the conversation.

However, if insist on saying that you were disappointed in what he said. That you found it immature and disrespectful of you and that you will not accept being treat badly......it could be informative to see his response.

Does he own his stupidity, apologise profusely and tell you he was being a dick....................or........

Does he minimise what he said, dismiss your concerns and accuse you of being "sensitive" and try to make him being an immature twat your fault.

It will certainly inform you further to exactly what kind of twat you have been spending time with.

Boireannachlaidir · 04/03/2020 17:42

I can't believe he's 25 he sounds about 14. Really immature.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of bringing it up & letting him know it upset you. I'd wait to see if he mentions it again and if he does then that would have to be it for me. Leave him to it!

ShagMeRiggins · 04/03/2020 21:03

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes: What an absolute div.

Fuck me, Mumsnetters make me laugh.

Hellohellohi · 04/03/2020 21:34

He doesn’t sounds nice op . Dump .

WaggleWiggle · 04/03/2020 22:00

Well, he got what he wanted to achieve, didn’t he? Totally unnecessary insecurity caused simply because he’s immature enough to try to make you feel grateful that he fancies you. Don’t play his immature games.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 22:05

My DH has moved countries a lot for both short and long-term contracts and from my experience I would say that cheating is much, much, much higher than you would expect. For a start there is a generally a whole team of foreigners who are living in hotel rooms or short-term rentals by themselves so everyone tends to go out most evenings rather than stay home alone. So the opportunity to meet someone to cheat with is much higher. Then there is also a code of silence, so they know if they do cheat it won't ever get back to their wives/girlfriends.

I worked in an international division of a company where we placed people (mostly men) overseas on long and short term contracts. If they were on long-term contract where wives could relocate and children go into international schools it was different but otherwise I would absolutely agree with this.

Winterlife · 04/03/2020 22:19

My husband is from the former USSR, land of super hot women. I’m
attractive but not stunningly beautiful. Hubby had no problem telling me that the most stunning women he’d ever seen were in Kronstadt. I had no issues hearing this, either.

I took our kids to Paris for spring break. I had no problem telling hubby when we got back that the men I saw going to work in the morning were breathtaking. He didn’t have problems hearing this, just smiled. Of course, we’d been married over two decades at that point.

When BIL, as a 20 something came back from his European tour, he commented on how stunning he found Italian women to be. He also named the country with the most unattractive women, in his opinion.

Husband has never cheated on me, nor I on him. BIL has never cheated either.

I don’t think your boyfriend’s statement in and of itself is the issue here. I do think you have to examine the way it was told to you (Was it matter of factly?). If it makes you feel insecure tell him that. But, I wouldn’t assume it’s a way to manipulate you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/03/2020 22:21

He's lying, they don't all want to talk to him. He's trying to make you jealous.

Moomin8 · 04/03/2020 23:19

That's no way similar @Winterlife - your dh wasn't telling you these women were flirting with him every day.