Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He works abroad and said the girls there are really attractive

180 replies

JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 08:21

AIBU - Probably am

Boyfriend of 1yr and a half (hes 25, i"m 23) works abroad.
He goes away for 2 weeks, comes home for 2.
He came back and told me the girls are really attractive where he is and on night outs they always want to talk to him but he tells them he has a girlfriend.
Aibu to feel a bit insecure about this?

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/03/2020 11:18

What an absolute div.

poppyonastring · 04/03/2020 11:20

@JoSwiss1212 I used to date someone who did this (when I was 17,) constantly negging me, and saying other girls were soooo pretty, and Sarah at work is so hot that all the men fancy her, and poking at my weight (even though I was 8 stone 9 and 5 ft 5,) saying 'pinch an inch, YOU can pinch a foot!) Like I was very flabby.

I put up with him for maybe 5-6 months, (which is a long time when you're 17,) then dumped him. We had arranged to go to the cinema, and he cancelled, because he was 'busy' doing something else.' I said 'but I am here ready,' and he said 'don't fuck me off, I won't have it! We're not going! If you get my back up again, we're done, I'm warning you.'

I said 'well fuck off then, I am pissed off with you anyway. Fuck off and don't contact me again.' Then I slammed the phone down on him.

I was not a confident person, and was easily walked on, but I was so angry with him and how he had treated me like a doormat and had been slagging me off and criticising me non-stop, that I happily and easily told him to fuck off.

I slammed the phone down and he never rang back, but he did tell people HE dumped me. I don't give a shit. When I dumped him, it was SUCH a relief.

I didn't date again for 2 years.

OP, do NOT stay with this toxic manchild. You deserve better.

Stumpedasatree · 04/03/2020 11:22

FFS, don't think to waste time bringing it up with this immature knob pretending to be a man. Just cut your losses and move on.

His comment was intentionally meant to make you feel shit about yourself and shit about your relationship and shit about trusting him. This is not something someone who loves you would do.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 04/03/2020 11:22

My DH has moved countries a lot for both short and long-term contracts and from my experience I would say that cheating is much, much, much higher than you would expect. For a start there is a generally a whole team of foreigners who are living in hotel rooms or short-term rentals by themselves so everyone tends to go out most evenings rather than stay home alone. So the opportunity to meet someone to cheat with is much higher. Then there is also a code of silence, so they know if they do cheat it won't ever get back to their wives/girlfriends.

If he's mentioning it to you, then he's thinking about doing it. You won't be able to tell when he's stopped thinking and moved on to doing. He's already trying to justify it to himself by blaming you for not being tall and blonde. If he's not thinking about doing it, then he's just an arsehole for making you feel insecure and negging you.

HelgaHere1 · 04/03/2020 11:31

I agree some men have a local gf, esp in third world country, but some don't. And are loyal.
He sounds naive and thoughtless. It would depend on whether he said anything again.
A well paid foreigner is a good catch in many countries.
Also some nationalities are good looking - I remember being chatted up by local Portuguese lads on a school trip to Lisbon. The spotty yoofs at home didn't compare!

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/03/2020 11:35

He sounds pathetic OP, I'd be embarrassed for him tbh and would have said so. Men who assume they can take their pick of women are misogynists, as are ones who speak about women the way he is. If they speak to him at all he can assume it's because he's English and boils down to very little more.

Making a point of telling you makes him a sad twat, and tbh the fact he keeps protesting that they offer but he turns them down would make me think he'd already cheated and was processing the guilt/getting denials in early. Just get rid, he's a loser.

UYScuti · 04/03/2020 11:42

How do I even bring it up tonight
Don't tell me you're planning on wasting any more of your time with this idiot??
Come on, fuck that shit, you don't need this!

Kraejka · 04/03/2020 11:46

Ditch. Utter knobhead.
It's one thing for him to go abroad and think that the women there are more attractive but it's another to come back and tell you that. It's done deliberately to make you feel insecure about what is going on while he is abroad.
I had an ex who used to tell me there were so many attractive women in a couple of musical groups he played in. Also done with deliberate intent. He turned out to be not a nice person at all, as evidenced by what he has done to another woman since we split, and I think your knobhead falls into the same category.

I'd just tell him to fuck right off and I'd look for someone else but I'm much older than you and don't take shit from anyone any more.
But you might want to try telling him you find it unacceptable of him to come back making comments like that and he needs to stop.

CorianderLord · 04/03/2020 11:47

Tell him not to be such a dick... my boyfriend and I are 25, he's worked abroad before. A comment like that would have lead to a very sharp rebuke. Your boyfriend wants you to be grateful that he's not fucking other women. Gross

CorianderLord · 04/03/2020 11:48

Having read your updates he seems to be a 12-year-old misogynist and I wouldn't continue the relationship

Justawaterformeplease · 04/03/2020 11:54

@Moomin8, ’WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SHAKIRA??!!' has just really brightened my day!

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 11:55

Sounds immature but also like he’s getting some sort of kick out of making you sit at home worried about him meeting another ‘attractive woman’.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/03/2020 12:20

What’s the point of bringing it up if you’ve already discussed it? What’s going to change? He’s an immature arse, just let him go

Original poster
JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 12:24

Yeah maybe i wont bring it up then,
I'm hoping it was a one-off and he wont mention girls in that way again but then i think whether im being stupid and now going to feel insecure wjenever hes on a night out in Sweden

OP posts:
Original poster
JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 12:26

I did ask him why he said it at the time and why id want to know swedish girls are goodlooking and he just commented that it's a fact he was stating and there's nothing wrong with him stating facts

OP posts:
Original poster
JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 12:28

And he did comment that if i went to Italy, id probably come home and say how goodlooking the italian guys were but i dont think id be bothered tbh

OP posts:
CountessAlexandrovna · 04/03/2020 12:31

So you actually plan on seeing him again? Why???

chocatoo · 04/03/2020 12:34

He's just winding you up. Tell him that every time he goes on about it you will be forced to bang on about the gorgeous guy who's just started work at your office.

Original poster
JoSwiss1212 · 04/03/2020 12:35

We've been together a year and a half so of course it's hard for me to end things on a comment he's made,
If he says something again, i will 100% bring it up

OP posts:
achainisonlyasstrong · 04/03/2020 12:36

If you happen to like blonde, tall people obviously you would think Scandinavia would have better looking people than England And countries in Asia and Africa. . But have got agree with other posters, been round the world and everywhere has its fair share of beautiful people. But going back to op though, why is this guy making you feel insecure! You should be with someone who feels secure.

achainisonlyasstrong · 04/03/2020 12:40

The reason you may think that people are more good looking when you go abroad is that they may be better groomed eg Italians or also it just makes a change from people you normally see! Eg Also well groomed is also not good. There may be pressure for women etc to look highly polished wear heels etc shortly after having baby. I think Uk is good because freedom to go around not looking so polished all the time!

achainisonlyasstrong · 04/03/2020 12:44

Back to the op, if he does not say anything like this again it’s fine. But what he said is a flag that he is not a nice guy or at best really immature. Why would he say what he did. Especially the bit about women chasing him. It suggests he wants to make you feel insecure.

Potatobug · 04/03/2020 12:52

To praise other women in front of his partner and rub her face in it is twat behaviour. Even if it is done in a supposedly jokey manner. Stupid little Casanova. NOT!
2 types of men do this:

  • The one who isn’t happy with his partner and finds other women more attractive. Then leave, you prick. Easy.
-The one who is crazy about his partner but terrified to admit it to her because he fears it will make him vulnerable, so he plays it down and childishly tries to make his partner insecure so he is not alone with the feeling.
ShesCurly · 04/03/2020 12:53

Once someone has sown a seed of doubt or insecurity in your mind it's actually hard to get back to normal.

That's why nice people don't say things that are very obviously hurtful or insecurity inducing, and if they do so inadvertently they say ah shit sorry I didn't mean that I can see it sounded dickish. He's just a nob.

He's not the best you can do OP but it doesn't sound like you believe that.

Don't plan how to bring it up, just decide what you can cope with and act on that. I couldn't cope with someone being so insufferably immature so I'd end it, especially as I don't believe this is the first time he's ever made a 'flippant' comment that upset you.

lachy · 04/03/2020 12:53

I can guarantee that HE will bring it up. You are bound to say something tonight which will, in some way, be construed as nagging by him.

This is going to sound brutal but it sounds to me like he's looking for a way out.

Only you know if you're prepared to tolerate his behaviour long term. (please don't)