To feel jealous of ex and his girlfriend?

[elijahsmum1]

Just feel so jealous of ex and his girlfriend, they're always on holidays and out and about, they seem to have it so easy while I'm here with 3 kids on my own, trying to make ends meet. We've been on holiday once in the 8 years we were together, and they've already been on holiday three times in the 18 months they've been together.

Don't know why I'm writing this, just feel so down seeing all their pictures on social media

@DingleberryRose I imagine very few people who have a comfortable lifestyle with two working parents and children would still find themselves comfortable if one upped and left leaving you to bare the whole load, bills, kids, the lot. Unless you are very lucky to have minimal outgoings or really high income. If people live life how you said the human population would be wiped out very very quickly

If he’s always on holiday and sees his own children as little as he does then just remind yourself that he’s the sort of man that doesn’t really take being a great dad very seriously so she’s welcome to him.

**arethereanyleftatall

So, @Ulvie.
Your dps youngest is 10, so, depending on the child, could well need full time childcare still. How would you/your dp feel if the mother did go back to work full time, like you think she should, and suddenly your dp had to finish work at 2.30 every day, not start till 9.30 and cover approx 15 weeks per year of holidays (holidays + inset + sick days)**

Is that what childcare is for you’d think single parents are a special breed who can only work part time and not full time, when the reality is single parents can and do work FT.

@Whatsername177, why are you assuming you'd have main residency if you separated though? Why couldn't you consider 50/50 in which case you'd both be in the same situation.

DingleberryRose

To be fair @Ulvie has a point. We all have the luxury of designing the lives we want and when doing so we have to take into account how our lives would be turn out if things went wrong.

Children make life very difficult and limit almost all of your freedom and a good chunk of your potential. It’s too easy for Dad’s to swan off leaving the mum (and it is normally the mum) alone and struggling. In my honest opinion, it’s just not worth it. Better to skip the parenting and chase your dreams instead.**

Couldn’t agree more with this, life is hard, you have to work for what you want, it isn’t going to be handed to you on a plate, no point making excuse if I can’t do, won’t do.

@Helpme1010 If people live life how you said the human population would be wiped out very very quickly

I don’t really see an issue with that. We’re pretty much a plague on the planet. We destroy it, we harm animals and people. The world would be better off to be fair!

Ulvie is vile and she knows it. You’re enjoying your holidays whilst mum does 90% of the parenting during the week no doubt, and whilst enjoying the luxury of a double salary. Many women are left single due to cheating spouses, who then move onto the next woman lying in waiting and enjoy a single lifestyle again whilst mums left with the cost and responsibilities for 18yrs.

Yes she could help herself by working more, but given you’ve never raised a child you won’t know how difficult that is, only going for what you’re told by a bitter ex. Enjoy your cocktails and holidays. I’m sure mum benefits from knowing she’s there for her kids and holidays might come and go but they can see through weekend dads by their early teens

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend
You're right, I should have expanded that to say - if the ex worked full time, then her dp would need to step up either to cover the childcare OR pay for childcare. Or half, however they work it. Either way, ulvie and her dp are currently benefiting from the ex doing all the childcare.

In a 50/50 situation we would, but that isnt what the op described, norsome of the other posters who are being told to 'work harder'. It seemed more appropriate to tailor my hypothetical divorce to the ops situation than work to a best case scenario. When one parent works and the other does all of the childcare so the working parent doesn't have to, then that is classed as 'being a family' because both parents take on a different role within the family in the best interests of the kids. If the working parent leaves, 'the stay at home' or 'work part time and do all of the childcare' parent is financially screwed. 50/50 is the ideal, but requires the working parent to then make a career sacrifice or pay for extra childcare which many of the ex's mentioned on here simply haven't done. If you up your hours but then can't afford the wrap around childcare, what do you do then? 'Working harder' isnt the answer to a situation where one parent - the non resident parent - isnt pulling their weight.

@DingleberryRose I can’t argue with that to be fair. I hate people 😂

I have wondered about the residency thing.

In these days when women want equality in things, why do they still want to take on all the grunt work as posters talk about?

Are there women around who when their husbands decide to leave tell them to take the DC and opt for weekend access themselves. Or 50/50?

Why is there still this culture that care, cost and responsibility for the offspring falls to the female partner? The male seems to only ‘help’.

I think women would have a much better quality relationship with their children if they went for weekend access. They would be the Disney Mums.

Something needs to change, the current arrangements seem to result in unhappy mothers and children.

@mantlepiece

I don't think as many dads as you'd think actually really want full custody or even 50/50.

Also many mums probably don't trust the dads to take as good as care of the dc as they do...I'm not talking abuse necessarily by the way.

@mantlepiece
I guess because, even after you split, whatever made financial sense to do before you split, still stands.
For example, when exdh and I were still together, it made financial sense to the family pot if I was on hand to deal with all childcare, and just do whatever work I can around that.
That still stands when we've split.
If I request he does 50/50 access now after split, the 'joint pot', so ultimately the dcs money, will decrease dramatically.

This is all so difficult. DP and I have one DD and DP has a DD with his ex partner. I know new partners aren’t popular on here so the reason they split up was because his ex had an affair with a married man, although I’m not aware that she has a partner at the moment. We treat DSD and DD the same (apart from the age difference) when they are both at ours. That means that step daughter comes along when we go on holiday and we pay.

I earn twice as much as DP. We have a better lifestyle than when he was with his ex, not just because we have two salaries but because of my salary. We have his daughter 2 nights a week and he pays CMS plus cash (DSD’s mum has an IVA and child maintenance is taken into account for the repayments - which is appalling), so he pays the basic CMS by bank transfer so we have a record of it and then tops it up with cash, so that the insolvency practitioner doesn’t see it.

I see the financial arrangements between him and his ex are their business. The problem is, 12 year old step daughter has started to notice differences between things at our house and things at her mum’s and keeps asking me about them. “Mummy’s car broke down and she said it wouldn’t have happened if she had a new one like you”. “Mummy was looking at how much your house cost last night”. I feel quite uncomfortable but just keep saying that she should ask her Dad to explain.

@formerbabe Ulvie hasn't said anything scornful except if her DP's ex wants a holiday she has to work to get ot. Those are the facts. If you want something, anything,single maried or even in between then you work to get ot. Not ask others to provide luxury items for you

@leaannb

No it wasn't just that..she made lots of vile comments about her dp's ex including her educational achievements or lack of...ditto career.

Not to mention the vile comments about single mothers in general.

I’m struggling to see what is scornful too, she just seemed to be pointing out that if you want a holiday then you have to pay for it.

Where are the vile comments about single mothers?

Not as bad a financial decision as becoming a single mother, clearly

This particular gem is what I was referring to.

@Ulvie I think you need to start your own thread. You do sound angry. I don't think all your financial stability and education have prepared you for partnering with someone who is a parent. Probably a bad financial decision ☺

Do you think Ulvie’s comment may have been in response to this comment?

Lol, I take it the two newest posters to this thread have just been out for cocktails and sushi (ridiculous combo) with said ulvie!!

@Helpme1010 I can’t argue with that to be fair. I hate people

😂😂😂

Um, doesn’t a lot of this financial disparity come down to the difference between a 1 adult household and a two adult household?Mainly the advantage of two salaries, but also an extra pair of hands so potentially less childcare needed.
If RP had an earning partner and NRP remained single, I can well imagine it being the NRP providing a lower quality of life when DC with him (or her, less commonly obviously)

I have a couple of long term single friends who have struggled much more financially with getting on the housing ladder and affording luxuries because it’s a fact of life that sharing a life works out cheaper per person.

Back to the OP though, yep, I’d feel jealous but delete ex from your social media and remember the reasons you’re no longer together

That is unforgivably nasty @Chillicheese123 you should be ashamed of yourself. There’s robust debate and then there’s stuff like that.

Chillicheese that's an absolute shitty comment, you know nothing about anyone else's situation. Lots of projecting derailing the OPs thread here