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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous of ex and his girlfriend?

138 replies

elijahsmum1 · 03/03/2020 22:57

Just feel so jealous of ex and his girlfriend, they're always on holidays and out and about, they seem to have it so easy while I'm here with 3 kids on my own, trying to make ends meet. We've been on holiday once in the 8 years we were together, and they've already been on holiday three times in the 18 months they've been together.

Don't know why I'm writing this, just feel so down seeing all their pictures on social media Sad

OP posts:
Ulvie · 04/03/2020 17:04

Really enjoying my inspiring and rewarding career, along with my lifestyle and financial security. Yes, bitter Smile.

It's you that sound bitter and angry because a woman you don't know can't afford a holiday, due to the choices she has made. Infantilising single mothers does women no favours.

Sotiredofthislife · 04/03/2020 17:09

as a couple, we both work full time we can afford 5 hols a year (including weekend breaks). DPs ex works partime (the children are 10 and 13 so it's her choice to work partime) and lives mainly off benefits and CMS

Jesus wept. Women like you are the absolute pits. I don’t suppose it occurs to your smug self that the ex has little choice but to work part time to handle the fact that her ex keeps on going on holiday and she’s expected to pick up the slack? In fact, I would hazard a guess your partner is able to work full time because someone else is caring for his children and doing all the juggling that entails.

formerbabe · 04/03/2020 17:10

Absolutely bizarre

I really think you should start your own post... I'll grab my popcorn.

Ilikepepper · 04/03/2020 17:17

For the OP, yes, which is ashame for her and her and her exes' kids. Not to be mocked. I think prejudice against single mums (or dads) is shameful as is all prejudice obviously. It's worrying in your case because your a step mum so people will feel defensive for the kids in your care. We'd have to hope you do not expose them to that attitude about their mother.

You'll be glad to know that I earn well and I'm in a 'good' career. I'm very lucky. I also have perspective: my kids are worth more than the money. Children are wonderful and are an absolute gift. It was a dream come true to give birth and always will be. I love my life. I don't think single mum's who haven't had my educational/career opportunities should become Fantine.

I hope the OP has a lovely summer coming up.

Ulvie · 04/03/2020 17:20

Oh dear, I'm going out for sushi and cocktails with some other childfree friends, so I won't have time.

formerbabe · 04/03/2020 17:23

Oh dear, I'm going out for sushi and cocktails with some other childfree friends, so I won't have time

How odd that you choose to post on a parenting forum.

MisssC3025 · 04/03/2020 17:25

Just need to comment... poor OP hasn't even written back because this thread has gone out of control because some people (I know who I'm taking about) have gone off on a tangent! Poor woman just wanted to rant and have a chat and the comments on here from some are just pathetic and damn right personal!!

I'm sorry what you're going through op. But I agree social media is the devil! I've deleted mine 🤦🏻‍♀️ try not to put yourself through looking at them. I really hope you can enjoy this summer coming up! 💖💖

High five for looking after three children on your own you're doing amazing i am sure xx

Ilikepepper · 04/03/2020 17:27

Ah, no wonder you're so grumpy.

Ulvie · 04/03/2020 17:30

Yes, sushi and cocktails with my friends always make me grumpy. So do holidays Smile.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 04/03/2020 17:36

Not as bad a financial decision as becoming a single mother, clearly.

You do sound like a total cunt.

I assume she chose to be a single parent and your partner is an absolute angel of a man who is perfect in every way and meets all of his responsibilities. Did he have to involvement in her becoming a single parent then?

I’m child free and have spent years in education and climbing the career ladder. But I certainly don’t stamp on others to make myself feel better. Don’t feel I need to. You sound so bitter and incredibly immature. I agree with the other PP, you should have picked a man with no kids pet! That’s was a bad decision for you.

Sotiredofthislife · 04/03/2020 17:41

Oh dear, I'm going out for sushi and cocktails with some other childfree friends, so I won't have time

You think the single parents posting here can’t/don’t do the same both with child free and with children friends?

formerbabe · 04/03/2020 17:41

Yes, sushi and cocktails with my friends always make me grumpy. So do holidays

You're not fooling me. I have lots of childfree friends who have lovely glamourous lives. I can assure you they don't spend their time on parenting forums being unpleasant to those who have made different life choices.

Sotiredofthislife · 04/03/2020 17:46

Not as bad a financial decision as becoming a single mother, clearly.I appear to have touched a nerve

No, love. Not at all. Your perception of single mum’s is way off. You are without any parenting experience yourself yet choose to berate a woman who’s life you know little about whilst prancing about with the same man she did. What a Prince, eh?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2020 17:47

Well said @formerbabe above.
The bitterness in @Ulvie posts is palpable.
I've actually lost track of the actual thread, as all I was thinking as I read through, is how utterly awful ulvie sounds.

Dontdisturbmenow · 04/03/2020 17:52

@formerbabe, funny how you are assuming that the ex is happy not to have his children ft to have fun with his girlfriend. Many fathers would love to have residency and many single parent manage to work ft and afford to take their kids on holiday.

I was a single mum of two, ex didn't pay a penny in maintenance so was alone supporting them and I managed to save enough to take them in a holiday every year.

Being a single mum doesn't have to mean being helpless and incapable of being financially comfortable. What a sad view in a world of gender equality to lower women to still needing to depend on a man to boost their lifestyle let alone an ex.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2020 17:58

So, @Ulvie.
Your dps youngest is 10, so, depending on the child, could well need full time childcare still. How would you/your dp feel if the mother did go back to work full time, like you think she should, and suddenly your dp had to finish work at 2.30 every day, not start till 9.30 and cover approx 15 weeks per year of holidays (holidays + inset + sick days)

formerbabe · 04/03/2020 17:59

@Dontdisturbmenow

It's not ok your ex didn't pay maintenance. I'd rather people got angry about that rather than get angry that single mums don't work enough.

Anyway I'm sure ulvie will pop along soon after her cocktails and sushi to let you know what an awful decision it was for you to choose single parenthood.

formerbabe · 04/03/2020 18:02

.What a sad view in a world of gender equality to lower women to still needing to depend on a man to boost their lifestyle let alone an ex

Nope but I do think they should boost the lifestyle of the children they created.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2020 18:02

And, just for the record, cocktails and sushi don't go together at all. You need something like an Albariño with sushi. FYI.

SudokuQueen · 04/03/2020 18:07

His kids will probably hate him in a few years, if they don't already. I know i would be furious with my dad if he fucked off, only bothered seeing me once a week and buggered off on holidays 3 times a year and didn't take me. I assume he doesn't take them most of the time or ever.

He can have the fun with his girlfriend, but chances are he will end up alone when he's old. Sucks to be him.

Whatsername177 · 04/03/2020 18:10

I earn a good salary, but if dh and I were to split, child maintenance payments would be the minimum as dh is self employed and his base rate of pay is low. He usually makes more, but it isnt guaranteed so I'd struggle to prove he earned enough to make an equal contribution to our kids. At the moment, he does make an equal contribution- we pay 50/50 bills/mortgage and we go on holiday. Lovely. If we split and he left, my outgoings would double overnight as I'd need to pay for all of the things we once contributed equally to, in order to maintain a roof over my kids head. If he moved in with someone else, his outgoings would only be marginally more, assuming he paid maintenance. However, I'd be broke despite my salary. Then, on top of that, I have the kids during the week, so I'm juggling work, childcare, getting the kids to and from places - so, all of the grunt work. When they go to bed, I'm stuck in the house as I cant afford a sitter. Dh can do as he wants with his evenings though, he has more free time, less responsibility and more cash. He isn't doing the grunt work, because his kids are being taken care of by me. He has both the time and the money to go on holiday, because he is no longer an equal parent.
No one wants the step parent to fund a holiday for their partners ex. People just want the ex to be an equal parent, with time and money, so that all the shit stuff isnt left to them. If the ex was paying a decent amount then the op could take her kids on holiday.

SudokuQueen · 04/03/2020 18:19

In fairness to @Ulvie as well, I have seen more than one thread on here from women who ask if they are unreasonable for wanting their ex partner AND his current partner to pay for her to have a holiday, or whatever else she wants, because she doesn't work. Each time, these women have been told how stupid they are. So I can see why ulvie would be pissed off by now when this woman could at least try to get a job. We don't know if she does, ulvie says she hasn't got one, maybe she doesn't bother trying? There are a lot of lazy people out there unfortunately. I've seen plenty of them in real life. Just spend a few hours in a job centre, you can spot the entitled lazy ones from a mile away. They are in the minority thankfully but they do exist.

She is however, being quite rude in saying it. That's where you fall down.

Dontdisturbmenow · 04/03/2020 18:19

Nope but I do think they should boost the lifestyle of the children they created
And what if they could do that by having residency? How many mothers would rather keep residency knowing they can't give their children the same lifestyle?

Saying all that, we have no idea if it applies to OP. I think it takes a lot of guys to admit being jealous and like others have said, it's ok to feel jealousy, what wouldn't be ok would be to act on it to make it difficult for the ex.

DingleberryRose · 04/03/2020 18:42

To be fair @Ulvie has a point. We all have the luxury of designing the lives we want and when doing so we have to take into account how our lives would be turn out if things went wrong.

Children make life very difficult and limit almost all of your freedom and a good chunk of your potential. It’s too easy for Dad’s to swan off leaving the mum (and it is normally the mum) alone and struggling. In my honest opinion, it’s just not worth it. Better to skip the parenting and chase your dreams instead.

Helpme1010 · 04/03/2020 18:49

@Whatsername177

Hallelujah! Someone who sees sense!!

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