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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to include my children in holidays with my partner

113 replies

mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 17:32

I will have been with DP for two years in summer. Everything is pretty good. We don't yet live together or have children together, though I have two DC with exH. DP was nervous about being around them at first, but has grown in confidence and is quite good with them now. DC are lovely (obviously I am going to think that, but no unusual behavioural issues or anything), and are 6 and 10 so not babies and not teenagers.

DP and I have gone on a few short holidays together, just us. Last summer, I took the DC on a longer holiday abroad during summer holidays, which DP didn't feel ready to come on. No issue. This summer, DP wants to go on a big summer holiday with me, without the DC. I have said I can't- I can't afford a big holiday with him and a big holiday with the DC, and I don't feel it is fair for me to go on a week long beach holiday when the DC don't get to go on one, so I want to either go together- all four of us- or go just with the DC.

This has led to a discussion in which DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC. He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own, but for now (and presumably next year and possibly the year after) he wants us to take main holidays seperately. I am a bit upset about this, as I thought he accepted that we were a package deal, but obviously he doesn't. Am I being unreasonable to be concerened about the future of this relationship because of this?

OP posts:

ButtonandPickle19 · 03/03/2020 17:38

The first year I understand but surely he knows a future with you is a future with them. Is he ok with becoming a step parent?

callmeadoctor · 03/03/2020 17:40

Oh dear................. Really sad

Kanga83 · 03/03/2020 17:42

What is your DC's relationship like with him? How do they feel about going on holiday with him? You could either go on holiday with just the children but no breaks, nothing with your partner (as he'll be expecting his 'me time' with you) , or this becomes a dealbreaker now. I wouldn't personally be considering kids at all with him at the moment and see how things develop.

Floralnomad · 03/03/2020 17:42

Don’t waste any more time on this man , would you really consider having a child with someone who is not at all interested in spending a holiday with your existing children .

oldstudentmum · 03/03/2020 17:43

Run for the hills you have been together two years and he does not want to go on holiday with your children. You come as a package deal you and your children are a family unit. Also if you had a child with him think cuckoo bird pushing all others out of the nest. Big huge red flag 🚩 sorry

NC4Now · 03/03/2020 17:43

YANBU - and Id be worried. I was in the same boat with XH and in the end I felt I had to choose between him and my kids. You can see how that ended.
Sorry OP but I’d see this as a massive red flag.

AwdBovril · 03/03/2020 17:44

After 2 years, & if you're already discussing possible DCs together in the future, I'd expect that he should be comfortable & confident enough to come on holiday with you & your DCs. By saying what he has, he's essentially said he expects you to prioritise him over them. Seems like a bit of a red flag - potentially quite selfish, & you & your DCs will probably always be last after him & probably his DCs.

ActualHornist · 03/03/2020 17:44

Yes this is worrying.

If this was ten years from now it would be ok. But not when they’re this little.

Original poster

mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 17:45

Sorry, to clarify, we are not planning children. It was just a hypothetical 'if we had a child it would change the dynamic' kind of thing.

OP posts:

Menora · 03/03/2020 17:45

From his POV he’s still just your boyfriend he’s not your partner

You want him to be a partner, and see him as one but he’s only going to begrudgingly be a step dad if you have a baby with him. Until then he’s going to remain a boyfriend

You need to decide if you want a boyfriend or a life partner.

Clangus00 · 03/03/2020 17:45

Fuck that, he doesn’t think of your children as a part of you & he would likely try his damnedest to exclude them if he got you pregnant.
Major red flag!

Thistly · 03/03/2020 17:46

I don’t think the reluctance in itself is a deal breaker, but the way in which you both now deal with having divergent wishes could be a potential deal breaker.

If you can discuss it in a respectful way, really understand each others’ view points , and work towards a compromise then that’s one thing.

But if he is going down the ‘my way or highway’ road, it’s only going to get worse.

Adult wishes don’t come first in a family. He hasnt learned this yet, and he’s going to need to if he wants a place in your family.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/03/2020 17:46

Yeah... this guy eventually wants to live with and have children with you but is going to resent your children being around. This is a total non-starter. He can't pretend in his head that he met a single fancy-free woman with no children after 2 years!

ElizabethMountbatten · 03/03/2020 17:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

IdleLiz · 03/03/2020 17:47

You come as a package. You know this is not going to work. 2 years is more than enough time for you to realise.

Throughthegate · 03/03/2020 17:48

He is not a keeper.

GabriellaMontez · 03/03/2020 17:49

So he thinks he's more important.

I'd be reconsidering.

Springsnake · 03/03/2020 17:49

This is so sad
Sad you actually have to ask
Of course it’s not ok
Of course your children should be included,if he was going to accept them he would of done by now

BrimfulofSasha · 03/03/2020 17:50

By the summer you will have been together 2 1/2 years. If he doesn't accept that you and the children are a package deal by then, he never will.
I'm not sure I can see this working out. I'd certainly not contemplate having children with a man who would so obviously treat yours, and his, so differently from the get go.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/03/2020 17:50

He hasn’t actually done anything wrong here. You don’t live together, it doesn’t sound like you’ve discussed where the relationship is headed in terms of living together for having future children, so it’s perfectly understandable that he would prefer a holiday without children.

You are just coming at this from different perspectives. Neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong, you just might be hoping for different things from the relationship.

user1493413286 · 03/03/2020 17:51

I would be questioning it; before DH and I had DC together we’d take his DD on our main holiday and go on long weekend city break type trips just us

RUSU92 · 03/03/2020 17:52

Hmm, I can kind of see where he's coming from. It changes the dynamic massively when there are DCs in the mix and its not really relaxing for a non-parent to spend time around someone else's kids, no matter how much you like them.

I have my own DCs but if I was given the option of going away with just my DP or with him and his DCs I'd definitely prefer it to be just him. I like his DCs and we have done holidays with all of us (me, him, his DCs and my DCs) but the focus is very much on the DCs (as well it should be of course!) and so the element of spending time together is a bit lost.

He spends his whole time trying to placate the DCs and we barely speak a word when they're around - they'll literally sit between us and try to stop him from touching or talking to me. I'm hoping yours aren't as obvious as that, but it may be that they're giving off more subtle "MY mummy" signals!

I'm very lucky that I do get holidays with just my DP when my DCs are with their dad, and also get time with just my DCs sometimes too. He takes his DC away without me and I'm ok with that.

If this is his only chance of a holiday I can see why he might not choose to spend it with your DCs but would still want to spend it with you. However, as thats not an option, he can spend it with someone else, but you'll have to accept that that's his choice.

You could maybe do a couple of long weekends instead, one with him and one with DCs? But if that is a compromise too far, then you'll have to go without him.

I don't think it necessarily means you have to end the whole relationship, he's being open and upfront about how he feels that he fits in at the moment and how that might change in the future. That sounds positive to me. Not every second relationship has to be the full on blended bullshit.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2020 17:54

I can understand him not wanting to come along on week long family holidays.

However I also understand your reason for declining a week away the two of you.

What was his response to you declining a week away alone with him?

DeeCeeCherry · 03/03/2020 17:55

He's interested in you, but not your children. I can't understand why men like this, will date a woman who has children. But I guess it's a control thing in a way; he makes you choose, and prioritise him over your children.

Back in my dating days I wouldn't date a man who had young children. So I don't think your man is wrong on that particular score. But he is wrong to just not piss off into the sunset and leave you and your children in peace.

Your relationship won't last - & you'll die a little inside each time you have to go off with him and leave your little ones behind. Easier to get rid of him now, he's not useful to your family dynamic.

Dipi79 · 03/03/2020 17:55

If, effectively, asked to choose between my DC and a boyfriend, the latter would be out of my life the moment he tried to place me in that situation.

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