Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To want to include my children in holidays with my partner

113 replies

mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 17:32

I will have been with DP for two years in summer. Everything is pretty good. We don't yet live together or have children together, though I have two DC with exH. DP was nervous about being around them at first, but has grown in confidence and is quite good with them now. DC are lovely (obviously I am going to think that, but no unusual behavioural issues or anything), and are 6 and 10 so not babies and not teenagers.

DP and I have gone on a few short holidays together, just us. Last summer, I took the DC on a longer holiday abroad during summer holidays, which DP didn't feel ready to come on. No issue. This summer, DP wants to go on a big summer holiday with me, without the DC. I have said I can't- I can't afford a big holiday with him and a big holiday with the DC, and I don't feel it is fair for me to go on a week long beach holiday when the DC don't get to go on one, so I want to either go together- all four of us- or go just with the DC.

This has led to a discussion in which DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC. He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own, but for now (and presumably next year and possibly the year after) he wants us to take main holidays seperately. I am a bit upset about this, as I thought he accepted that we were a package deal, but obviously he doesn't. Am I being unreasonable to be concerened about the future of this relationship because of this?

OP posts:

HillAreas · 03/03/2020 18:27

Do DC see their father often? Do you get much time as a couple? I can see why he would prefer couple time when you’re still not living together to be honest. He won’t be all that familiar with the kids (not they with him) so to go from presumably a day out or night here and there to a solid 2 weeks would be quite full on for everyone.
I’ve been with DH for nearly 6 years and he has holidayed alone with DSD in that time. We have taken everything at a snails pace and next holiday will be all of us together. When we had been together 2.5 years like you, I had met DSD maybe a handful of times (her mother thought the first meeting at the 2 year mark was too soon )
The only problem I can see here is that you are trying to proceed at different paces.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/03/2020 18:31

I really don't get the 'you come as a package thing'. As a pp said, it's not a given. I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. We don't live together, he has fairly minimal involvement with my kids but they know and like each other well enough. His one son is going to uni soon. This works for us. The only question the op has to ask if she is happy with the 'Arms length' approach. If not, then the relationship will likely end but not because of 'red flags' or him being in the wrong. He's allowed to feel how he feels.

boopboo · 03/03/2020 18:32

Sorry OP but this one isn’t a keeper. Big red flag and if he won’t happily include himself in your family then it’s heartbreak ahead and you’re probably best off getting out now. He’s making it all hard for you.

MimiLaRue · 03/03/2020 18:33

Oh HELL NO! what the hell is he playing at? these are your children and he doesnt want them to come on holiday with you? no way. This is a huge red flag. Your children and you come as a package. They arent accessories he can just remove when it suits him- thats incredibly selfish and terrible attitude to have and they are so young! Its not like theyre teens who want to holiday with their friends anyway.

Agree with others- dump this man. He has no patience for your children and clearly, no love or care for them. Be careful OP- this is how problems with step parents start. I cannot see how you can see a future with someone who treats your children so poorly and makes so little effort with them. This is really messed up. LTB (and I say that seriously- not in jest).

Chloemol · 03/03/2020 18:35

Sorry you come as a package. If he’s not interested in taking a holiday with them he’s not the one for you

ShesCurly · 03/03/2020 18:35

Neither of you is right or wrong.

You aren't on the same page.

You aren't compatible enough on this subject for it to work.

Doesn't mean either of you is being 'bad', it just isn't a good fit long term.

ilovedjerrymore · 03/03/2020 18:36

I’m sorry but my child will always come 1st, i would no way give up a holiday with my child to go with a boyfriend.
Him saying that is a slippery slope I would end it now, they are you children and part of you if he can’t except that you come as a package then it’s time to move on and not waste time with this person.

Original poster

mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 18:37

Thank you all for the replies.

He has known DC since about six months in but I kept time with them at a minimum at first. He now sees them a couple of times a month. They get along well and play together.

DC see their dad regularly, but their dad is probably not going to be able to/be organised enough to take them on holiday. I am a teacher so holiday time isn't the issue- it's more about the money. I don't think he would fund a holiday, no, and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him to do that. I like keeping money 50/50.

OP posts:

Aridane · 03/03/2020 18:38

I will have been with DP for two years in summer

I am surprised at the responses on this thread since the usual consensus if that at a relationship of less than 2 years the DP should not ever has been introduced to DC

YeahWhatevver · 03/03/2020 18:40

Don't really see a future in this OP, sounds like he only wants a relationship with part of you.

Your DC are a massive part of you and your life, its an all or nothing deal.

lowlandLucky · 03/03/2020 18:43

He is not your partner, he is your boyfriend and that is why he doesnt want to use his annual leave on holiday with your children, which is fair enough

Kastanien · 03/03/2020 18:43

I'm just concerned that it is indicative of him not being fully okay with the fact I have children.

Sorry but I think he is not ok with the fact that you have children. If he still wants to keep things separate for the foreseeable he is not really planning a future with you, is he?

Butterymuffin · 03/03/2020 18:45

he's happy, for now, to take our 'big' holidays seperately

But since you're not planning to have kids together, what would change this for him? Or does he just think that in a few years you'll have come round to the idea of leaving your own kids

I would accept right now that this isn't a long-term relationship, it's a good for now relationship. On both sides. Either end it now, or remind yourself regularly that he's a semi-casual bf, not a life partner, and that's how you need to be with him.

jamaisjedors · 03/03/2020 18:50

Do you want a step-father for your kids?

Do YOUR kids want a step-father?

Perhaps they don't want another male who is not a family member on THEIR summer holiday.

I agree with some of the other single mothers, I don't see why my kids should have to accomodate some (hypothetical for me at the moment) boyfriend of mine on our summer holiday.

I also would not want to go on holiday with a partner's children, not until we'd been together maybe 5 years +.

Not necessarily a sign you should dump him. Or move him in.

ValedictoryMessage · 03/03/2020 18:50

I think his attitude is fine. I think that’s too early to go on a family holiday. You aren’t a family. Do separate stuff. And try and get a weekend away the two of you.

I’ve been married to husband for 10 years and don’t always go away with him and his kids. Go away with my friends, with him, with him and his kids.

But he’s not worried about that so it works. You are worried so it might not.

GameSetMatch · 03/03/2020 18:51

He needs to understand you are not single with any ties, your children are apart of you and Separate holidays for the next few years at least isn’t great if he is a big part in your life. I’m really sorry but I don’t think he’s a keeper.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/03/2020 18:52

As it’s just dating, I can see why he doesn’t way to have a family holiday. It’s ok he wants to do that, if you want something different then you can go your separate ways.

Runmybathforme · 03/03/2020 18:53

Why are you wasting your time with this man? Unless you’re happy with a casual relationship, he’s never going to be part of your family. After two years he should be at ease with your children, enthusiastic to be part of their lives. He’s been honest at least, to his credit. Now you have to decide what you want.

Thripp · 03/03/2020 18:56

I agree with @RUSU92

I am divorced with older teenage DC, so my situation is different from your boyfriend's, OP. However, if I were to meet a man now who had younger children, I wouldn't want to do the whole blended family, holidaying together etc thing. I'd be delighted to go away with him and do nice things with him, and would be completely committed to a relationship with him - but nothing would move me to take on someone else's young children. I would, though, very gladly take on someone who had children, not least as I would think there would be no risk of him wanting any more with me. But while I would be happy to do days out and so on, I definitely wouldn't want to do joint holidays. I've been there and done that - and from your boyfriend's POV, he hasn't been there, and so there's no reason to do that (IYSWIM). Children are hard work, and other people's children are even harder work.

I realise this is perhaps a bit non-sensical - but I don't think that all relationships post divorce/separation/DC have to end with everyone trying to be a family together. Your family is you and your children, OP. Your boyfriend is a lovely add-on, and you can enjoy all the benefits of a good and committed relationship without him becoming an all-the-time, go-on-family-holidays fixture.

In some ways, it's better for your children to know that they are your first priority and that while you might love someone else and enjoy spending time with him, you're not proposing to move him into their nest.

I can see why you find the specific holiday issue tricky, though PP have made some good compromise suggestions.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 03/03/2020 18:58

Maybe a bit sad - but some people cannot bear to be around children. I would hate to go on holiday with my partner and his kids!

slashlover · 03/03/2020 19:01

He has known DC since about six months in but I kept time with them at a minimum at first. He now sees them a couple of times a month. They get along well and play together.

So you want to go from seeing they a couple of times a month to spending an entire week abroad together? TBH, I'd be building up the time he sees them here before adding the stress of going on holiday.

Dontdisturbmenow · 03/03/2020 19:02

Spending a few hours together every other weekend and spending your desperate for summer holidays week with young children is two very different things.

You are not living together and it sounds like you are not ready to, so it goes with it that you are not ready for a joint holiday either. He probably wants to do things that are not compatible with having children. You say you can't afford to do both, but I do think this is something worth considering. Could he maybe contribute more to 50% for your joint holiday, go somewhere cheaper?

Ragwort · 03/03/2020 19:02

Actually I think it would be totally inappropriate for him to have a big summer holiday with your DC, he is not your partner, your children don’t need a step father in their lives, why should they have to share their mum with her boyfriend on holiday?

BreatheAndFocus · 03/03/2020 19:06

I couldn’t be bothered with him. Anyone who treated my children as an afterthought or thought it was ok to separate us like that could go on holiday alone.

I’d enjoy a holiday with my DC and forget about him.

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 19:07

The op has been with this man 18 months . He first met the kids 6 months in so they have known him one year. That's a bit soon for wanting to do family holidays surely! and as pp said would they even want him on the holiday?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5