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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to include my children in holidays with my partner

113 replies

mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 17:32

I will have been with DP for two years in summer. Everything is pretty good. We don't yet live together or have children together, though I have two DC with exH. DP was nervous about being around them at first, but has grown in confidence and is quite good with them now. DC are lovely (obviously I am going to think that, but no unusual behavioural issues or anything), and are 6 and 10 so not babies and not teenagers.

DP and I have gone on a few short holidays together, just us. Last summer, I took the DC on a longer holiday abroad during summer holidays, which DP didn't feel ready to come on. No issue. This summer, DP wants to go on a big summer holiday with me, without the DC. I have said I can't- I can't afford a big holiday with him and a big holiday with the DC, and I don't feel it is fair for me to go on a week long beach holiday when the DC don't get to go on one, so I want to either go together- all four of us- or go just with the DC.

This has led to a discussion in which DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC. He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own, but for now (and presumably next year and possibly the year after) he wants us to take main holidays seperately. I am a bit upset about this, as I thought he accepted that we were a package deal, but obviously he doesn't. Am I being unreasonable to be concerened about the future of this relationship because of this?

OP posts:
Floribundance · 03/03/2020 19:09

There’s not a right or wrong side to this. It seems like you have different expectations of the relationship. He’s seen you for 18 months without your DC, you don’t live together and he’s not looking to form a family unit with you and your DC. That’s totally reasonable. If it’s not the kind of relationship you’re looking for then you need to look elsewhere.

Floribundance · 03/03/2020 19:11

Sorry, misread it, he’ll have known your children for 18 months by the summer. He obviously doesn’t want to take on a ‘step parent’ role.

MadameMeursault · 03/03/2020 19:12

Not good OP. He shouldn’t expect you to leave your DCs for that period of time. You come as a package. Sadly I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

asprinklingofsugar · 03/03/2020 19:15

So you've been together two years, and he met them around six months in - so about 18 months ago. Time together was minimal to start with and is now a couple times a month. If it's twice a month, plus perhaps a few extra times, he's seen them roughly 40-50 times in total. If it's three times a month, he's seen them 50-60 times total. So the average is about 50 times total.

While that sounds like a lot, it's probably not for hours and hours each time. Plus the visits are spaced out, with plenty of time in between them. So he hasn't actually spent as much time with them as it seems at first glance. I can see why he would be daunted by the idea of spending a week with them. Plus, presumably he wants his holiday to be relaxing for him too, and a week with your kids might not necessarily be that. Partly because he's not used to kids, and the noise etc accompanying them, and partly because he might be nervous about spending so much time with them in one go, since he hasn't done it before.

You both seem quite reasonable about the situation, you just might be on different pages.

Darbs76 · 03/03/2020 19:16

I think that it would upset me too. My ex suggested a holiday with my DS when we had been together less than a year. I’d have been quite annoyed had he kept suggesting separate holidays. I can understand if he wants to do both, but the fact he’s not interested to me suggests he lacks commitment in wanting to become a family with you. You’re a package. I’d be inclined to knock this relationship on the head

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2020 19:17

He's not interested in your children and considers them a 'necessary nuisance' as opposed to thinking of you all as a 'package deal'. Things are easier for him now because you aren't living together so the relationship he has with you is 'easier to separate' than the relationship he has with you + your children. He can just 'back away' from plans involving your kids now and plan other things on his own. It's not so easy to do that if he's living with you and the DC.

If I were you I'd probably call time on the relationship. I can't ever see a time where he would truly consider your children as part of 'his family unit'. It would be you and him (and hypothetical kids)......and your kids. He's more than likely going to drag his feet with anything to do with spending money or extra time with your kids.

He probably shouldn't date anyone with children. I'm not putting him down. I intentionally chose never to date men with children for pretty much those reasons. But at least I acknowledged it within myself and didn't start anything that I wouldn't be able to finish.

Thinkingabout1t · 03/03/2020 19:19

This doesn't sound hopeful, OP. I suspect he'd be happy to keep on being a boyfriend, never committing or sharing his life with you, until something more interesting turns up when he would drop you.

Not worth spending more time on, in my view.

DingleberryRose · 03/03/2020 19:19

This has led to a discussion in which DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC

On one hand I totally get not wanting to go on holiday with children... however... he is dating someone with children so needs to make the effort. If he’s not willing to he should show himself out.

Brazi103 · 03/03/2020 19:22

dont even waste time trying to figure this out op. He clearly said you had his children then it's ok, HE WANTS YOU NOT YOUR KIDS.
I would dump him so fast.

midnightstar66 · 03/03/2020 19:27

DP is like this too, however he was very clear from the start that this would be the case... as a result I simply do not holiday with DP and it has remained casual rather than rally progressing as a relationship. This has backfired on him somewhat as he's now keen to spend more time and progress however I've realised the benefits of this sort of arrangement and am now completely happy as things are. Had this not been the case from the start I'd probably have had enough

partofthepeanutgallery · 03/03/2020 19:44

If it were me, I'd walk away.

He's only willing to holiday with your children IF he eventually has one of his own ... otherwise, not interested? They're the most important people in your life!

I just couldn't be with someone who wanted to compartmentalize my children out of the picture.

kimmyst · 03/03/2020 19:46

I genuinely don't see that he is in the wrong here. He is obviously aware that you and your children come together, but he's currently dating you and wants to get to know you. Once/if you start living together, then he must be aware that holidays are to be taken as a family as you are living as one.

MarchDaffs · 03/03/2020 19:52

I think it's fine. Even if you were on track to becoming a family unit, which it doesn't sound like you are, it would still be quite soon for a holiday when they only see him every couple of weeks casually. The problem is when a person who doesn't want a close relationship with someone else's kids nonetheless dates a person with DC and then gets pissed off about them being there. Which is not what's happening here.

Whether you should have concerns about the future of the relationship depends on what you want from it. It doesn't appear to be progressing into anything serious, but then is that what you want?

Genderfreezone · 03/03/2020 19:56

If he can't accept your children are part of the deal, then I don't really think you should be bothering with him.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/03/2020 20:24

That would be a deal breaker for me. If he doesnt see that your children are a central part of building a life with you then I'd end it.
I get the first year was a bit different and that a weekend away without children is good but no holidays with them.....one of the best bits about having children is the fun times at the weekend or on holiday.

EL8888 · 03/03/2020 20:59

It’s difficult for me to vote as l can see where is coming from. I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with a partner and his children. It wouldn’t be my kind of holiday e.g. not enough lie ins, reading, culture etc. But the difference is l suppose is l don’t date men with children (well, not young children e.g. 21+). This relationship with him doesn’t sound like it’s going anywhere

MeridianB · 03/03/2020 21:26

Sorry OP, he sounds like a time-waster. Sad

Whatsername177 · 03/03/2020 21:45

I would be upset too. But, you had it right in your op - you and your kids are a package deal. A city break without the kids is lovely - it is good for adults to have a break. However, you dont want to have a big holiday without your kids - that is normal. I wouldn't either. You have a decision to make - either stay and hope he grows to want a family that includes your kids being front and centre, or walk away.

1Morewineplease · 03/03/2020 21:52

He’s been with you long enough to know that he’s in a relationship with you and your children. If he doesn’t like this then I think you need to reconsider your relationship. He clearly thinks that he’s in a relationship with just you and wants a couple’s holiday.
If I were in your position I would be wary.
Sorry OP.

SistemaAddict · 03/03/2020 22:00

His attitude has left me cold. It's the lack of even trying to find a compromise so you all get the best of both worlds. Surely the logical thing to do would be for you to go away as a couple for a weekend/long weekend when your ex has the dc, and then you and the dc have your big holiday to yourselves. Personally I'd rather have weekends away than week long holidays as that way I can have two holidays instead of one but that's me.
What do you want OP? Is he prepared to compromise do you think? Or has that comment about not being interested in a holiday with your dc completely killed the relationship? It would have done for me, especially after 18 months.
I see no progression here. He will forever be just a part time boyfriend who sees you when the dc are with their dad. I think you're wasting your time.

ginrummy1 · 03/03/2020 22:04

I don't think either of you are wrong.

If he has limited annual leave I can see how spending his holiday and hard earned cash with someone else's DC's, who he doesn't live with, might not seem an attractive proposition.
I also see that you would'nt enjoy spending your annual leave away from them.
I think you have to decide if you are both on the same page as to where the relationship is heading

chuck7 · 03/03/2020 22:08

I'd worry about how invested he is. He will treat your kids and joint kids differently. It's will hurt you and them.

RUSU92 · 03/03/2020 22:18

This has backfired on him somewhat as he's now keen to spend more time and progress however I've realised the benefits of this sort of arrangement and am now completely happy as things are. Had this not been the case from the start I'd probably have had enough

Exactly this. There are benefits to keeping your own space and keeping things a bit separate. If not holidaying with your DCs is one of his perks, what are yours? If it doesn't work for you full stop, then its a dealbreaker, but if you can find your own positives in this arrangement then you can make it work.

Livelovebehappy · 03/03/2020 22:20

He clearly just sees the future as you and him, and not involving your DCs. Don’t waste anymore time on him. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but he just doesn’t sound like he wants the ‘baggage’ that being with you involves.

MintyMabel · 03/03/2020 22:33

Sad you actually have to ask

Judgy pants too tight? OP thinks it’s not ok. She’s wondering if others agree. (And not everyone does so seems there isn’t a “right” answer)

Maybe a bit sad - but some people cannot bear to be around children. I would hate to go on holiday with my partner and his kids!

Why would someone who hates kids be in a relationship with someone who has kids?