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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to include my children in holidays with my partner

113 replies

mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 17:32

I will have been with DP for two years in summer. Everything is pretty good. We don't yet live together or have children together, though I have two DC with exH. DP was nervous about being around them at first, but has grown in confidence and is quite good with them now. DC are lovely (obviously I am going to think that, but no unusual behavioural issues or anything), and are 6 and 10 so not babies and not teenagers.

DP and I have gone on a few short holidays together, just us. Last summer, I took the DC on a longer holiday abroad during summer holidays, which DP didn't feel ready to come on. No issue. This summer, DP wants to go on a big summer holiday with me, without the DC. I have said I can't- I can't afford a big holiday with him and a big holiday with the DC, and I don't feel it is fair for me to go on a week long beach holiday when the DC don't get to go on one, so I want to either go together- all four of us- or go just with the DC.

This has led to a discussion in which DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC. He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own, but for now (and presumably next year and possibly the year after) he wants us to take main holidays seperately. I am a bit upset about this, as I thought he accepted that we were a package deal, but obviously he doesn't. Am I being unreasonable to be concerened about the future of this relationship because of this?

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 03/03/2020 17:55

But he has said this will be the case for potentially years until there are hypothetical children. OP can afford one summer holiday and each summer he will be making her choose.

annamie · 03/03/2020 17:57

This is not sustainable, is it? You’ll be torn in two over who to make happy, DC or him.

katy1213 · 03/03/2020 17:59

You're not living together. He's okay with your children when he sees them. That's enough. Why on earth would he want to spend his precious holiday time with somebody else's children? In a child-friendly resort? During school holidays? Book your own holiday and send him a wish you were here? postcard. (He won't be!) Two weeks apart won't kill you.

datasgingercatspot · 03/03/2020 17:59

What Menora said. You've assigned him 'partner' status. He's a boyfriend. I agree, DeeDee, I wouldn't date a man who had kids at all when I was single and childfree.

I would NOT move in with this man and subject my kids to them. He's not interested in them. I'd maybe keep him as a casual boyfriend but that's it.

Original poster
mayandjuniper · 03/03/2020 18:02

Thanks for the replies.

He at no point said I had to choose him. In fact, he said he fully understands I want to spend my holiday with DC (tbh, a child free holiday would be amazing, but the guilt would be too much!) and that he's happy, for now, to take our 'big' holidays seperately. I don't have a problem with this for now, I'm just concerned that it is indicative of him not being fully okay with the fact I have children.

OP posts:
JellyNo15 · 03/03/2020 18:06

Sorry but I think you are both on different pages and in your situation I would be calling time on the relationship, kids come first.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/03/2020 18:06

But he is wrong to just not piss off into the sunset and leave you and your children in peace.

Why?

You seem to be assuming that all women with children automatically want a relationship where they can get their new man to play step daddy. If OP wants a relationship where her children are involved with her partner, then it’s up to her to make that clear, or make a relationship choice on that basis. But some of us single mothers are quite happy to have a relationship with a man that doesn’t want to be invested in our children. I certainly didn’t want that when my children were similar ages to the ops dc. I wanted someone that I could spend time with or go on holiday with when my dc were with their dad. In your way of thinking, every man should have avoided me or walked away because I had children, even though we could both have exactly what we wanted. That makes no sense.

strawberrylipgloss · 03/03/2020 18:07

If he'd said a family holiday maybe next year then I wouldn't be so concerned but not having a family holiday until he's a parent is a cause for concern imho. It points to a strong possibility that your baby with him will be treated differently to the siblings.

I think it's acceptable that he'd prefer a holiday with just you and I understand why you'd prefer your kids to be on your main holiday too. If they were very young so wouldn't get any benefit from a holiday then you could get away with going just with him this year but at their ages I would do it either. Having the kids there changes the dynamic but in real life most people can't afford multiple summer holidays.

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 18:08

I don't think he has done anything wrong and I say that as a single mum.

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 18:10

Oh and I agree with the others that I don't think me and my children come as a package as I'm of looking.for a new father for them or someone to take them on. Depends what you are looking for but in the op it sounds like it's different things!

slashlover · 03/03/2020 18:12

You've been with him for less than two years, so how long has he known the DC for and how much tome does he spend with them?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2020 18:13

"DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC. He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own, but for now (and presumably next year and possibly the year after) he wants us to take main holidays seperately."
So the only point of view he sees is his own. He can't see that you would wish to share holidays and build holiday memories with your children. He can't see that your children might feel rejected if mummy holidays without them. No, he can't see outside being the only person you're allowed to holiday with.

I agree with what several have already pointed out - you see him as a partner, he sees himself as your boyfriend. And that's all he is. He doesn't live with you, you are separate households - which is good, disentangling can be expensive and upsetting.

And as for "He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own" - combined with your "Sorry, to clarify, we are not planning children. It was just a hypothetical 'if we had a child it would change the dynamic' kind of thing." - well don't those two things equate to him saying "Never gonna happen. Never ever."?

He's not a keeper.

Ellisandra · 03/03/2020 18:13

I don’t see the problem. You don’t live together. He’s being honest.
Spending a day out with your kids doesn’t impact the ability to do other things, much.
Having your one ‘big’ holiday changed a lot because of it? You can’t just go on another.

My husband isn’t holidaying with me and my kids this summer. He has done in the past, but he doesn’t fancy this trip - so it would be a big spend and loss of annual leave for him, for something he’s not bothered about.

Plus - I love time with just my kids. I’m happy not to have him there, I don’t want them to always share me with him.

We’ve done both. We’re both committed to each other, and both our sets of stepchildren.

MangoHat · 03/03/2020 18:15

In this situation, I couldn’t use up a week’s worth of precious annual leave to go on holiday without my dc. I would take a day off to have a weekend away with a partner.

If you don’t work or don’t work full time and they have time at their Dad’s then if finances allowed I could see that a week away would be amazing. But again, no way would I allocate all the holiday budget to a partner and exclude dc.

If you’re happy with separate holidays, carry on with that indefinitely. Either he’ll decide to come too or your dc will grow up and you’ll be able to holiday together guilt free.

DP and I have spent the grand total of 4 days and nights exclusively in each other’s company since we met 8 years ago for precisely this reason - neither of us can justify using annual leave for each other and not our respective dc. We plan to have some very nice holidays when we can (about 6 years’ time!)

Durgasarrow · 03/03/2020 18:15

Dump him.

SimonJT · 03/03/2020 18:16

To be honest I wouldn’t expect a partner I didn’t live with to want to come on holiday with my son, if they do it’s a nice bonus, but I wouldn’t expect him to expect a yearly child free holiday (even though I would love a child free holiday!).

As it stands my boyfriend (who I don’t live with) is joining us on two holidays this summer (well, depending on how the first goes). But I know a child friendly holiday isn’t his idea of a relaxing break, so he’ll be doing things without us so he can get a bit of a break.

Pringlesonthetable · 03/03/2020 18:17

DM had holidays with her DP on their own and then a holiday with his DS as well. DB and I were left with DGP. Always separate holidays, we had a week at Butlins they went abroad for 2 weeks. Although he didn't have anything to do with us growing up either. hasn't willingly had a conversation with us ever. They got together, moved into together in my mid teens, when I was a pre schooler. He still has nothing to do with us 50 years later. Either accept it or kick him into touch.

olivesnutsandcheese · 03/03/2020 18:17

Would he consider funding a couples holiday whilst your DC are spending time with their Dad?

Isthistrueor · 03/03/2020 18:18

If you’d just started dating in the past year then he’d have a point I think but you have been together for two years now so if just sounds like he doesn’t want to be a part of your children’s life.

I do think you come as a package deal personally but it sounds as though he’s only interested in you and not them which won’t bode well.

RandomMess · 03/03/2020 18:19

Holidays with DC are not really holidays in the same way so I can fully understand that he doesn't want to spend time and money having a holiday with DC...

MaryH90 · 03/03/2020 18:21

I’m going to give a totally different point of view here. I’m a step Mam to one and a Mam to two. Earlier in our relationship before DH and I had our two we went away together as a couple. We have also been away once since having our DC. I think it’s good to have a chance to get away as a couple, particularly when you’re in the early stages of a relationship. Having children on the holiday completely changes the dynamic, particularly if they’re not your children and you’re not used to parenting full time. I can see his point of view. Could you go on a weekend break away with him and a holiday with your DCs?

okiedokieme · 03/03/2020 18:21

Very bad signs. Yes getting away as a couple for a short break is important especially at the start but you are a package deal so a weeks holiday with your kids should be expected! After 2 years I would expect him to be trying to progress the relationship so if that's not the case it's time for a serious conversation alas. After just a month I knew I wanted to live with dp - ok no school age kids but we do things with our adult kids from the start, put their needs central etc

Fluffybutter · 03/03/2020 18:22

Alarm bells for me I’m afraid .
I’d not be happy with this at all .
My dh was completely accepting of my son and included him pretty much since they were introduced. We still had nights away just is like any parents but there’s no way he would’ve excluded my son at my expense

IceColdCat · 03/03/2020 18:22

I think this is fair enough actually. You don't live together so he's not really in a step father role yet. He probably doesn't spend that much time with them so a full holiday would be a bit daunting - I can understand that.

If you lived together, or if he'd got cross with your response and put pressure on you to change your mind, I'd feel differently.

EC22 · 03/03/2020 18:23

My partner was similar, we had around 3 years of just us holidays then with the children after that- he had no children and was younger than me.
That was a decade ago, we are married now with children of our own.