To want to include my children in holidays with my partner

[mayandjuniper]

I will have been with DP for two years in summer. Everything is pretty good. We don't yet live together or have children together, though I have two DC with exH. DP was nervous about being around them at first, but has grown in confidence and is quite good with them now. DC are lovely (obviously I am going to think that, but no unusual behavioural issues or anything), and are 6 and 10 so not babies and not teenagers.

DP and I have gone on a few short holidays together, just us. Last summer, I took the DC on a longer holiday abroad during summer holidays, which DP didn't feel ready to come on. No issue. This summer, DP wants to go on a big summer holiday with me, without the DC. I have said I can't- I can't afford a big holiday with him and a big holiday with the DC, and I don't feel it is fair for me to go on a week long beach holiday when the DC don't get to go on one, so I want to either go together- all four of us- or go just with the DC.

This has led to a discussion in which DP has said he isn't interested on going on holiday with my DC. He said this would change in the future if we had a DC of our own, but for now (and presumably next year and possibly the year after) he wants us to take main holidays seperately. I am a bit upset about this, as I thought he accepted that we were a package deal, but obviously he doesn't. Am I being unreasonable to be concerened about the future of this relationship because of this?

Thanks so much for the responses, it helped clarify what I was thinking and was generally useful to see other opinions.

I discussed it with him tonight, basically said what I said in the OP, about it being a concern. He responded by saying he is sorry, and it's stupid, of course a holiday with them is okay. Obviously I now feel like it is a forced decision so I have said to have a serious think about it because they are not baggage or add-ons and he ultimately won't be able to hide resentment of them if it gets further, so he needs to take stock and consider whether a future with all of us is what he wants. He's a kind and genuine person and I trust him to consider it and be honest with me, and we'll go from there.

And you're right, he's not my partner, he's my boyfriend, it's just quicker to type 'DP'!

Sorry, to clarify, we are not planning children. It was just a hypothetical 'if we had a child it would change the dynamic' kind of thing
Deal breaker for me.

I'd want to be loved because I am who I am and I'm a mother.

This relationship is not going to go anywhere OP. A although he's now backtracked and said it's fine to go with your dc he revealed his true colours in the first conversation.

He might want to be with you but he only tolerates your children, why would you want to be with someone like that, please don't bring this man into their young lives, it's awful for their self esteem. They might not be babies but they're still so young - 6 for goodness sake.

They only have one childhood, put them first. A man who really loves you wouldn't be trying to seperate you from your children.

This thread is an interesting summary of the trials of being a step parent.
One person will say you’re too involved, the next will say you’re too removed.
One will say you’ve moved too slowly, the next will be horrified things have moved so fast.
One person will say you should absolutely treat your step child as if they were your own and the next person will be salty because their DP told their child off.
It’s a minefield and the only way through it is for both parties to communicate and be honest about expectations of the role they will play.

Well done for having the conversation with Him op and advocating for your children. You are right they shouldn’t miss out on a holiday this year if you can only afford to have one they should be your priority not him

I don’t think he’s unreasonable at all and these replies are weird.

I wouldn’t want to spend my money and annual leave on a child friendly holiday if I didn’t have my own kids. I went on a ‘big’ holiday last year, took me forever to save, and was something I’d always dreamed about. Didn’t even take my own damn kids. Refused to even consider it even though people were telling me what a shit person I was.

We went on other family holidays together, and I enjoy spending time with them. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting a kid free trip.

Can’t believe how many people are telling you to dump him.

I don’t think he’s wrong in feeling like he does , he really shouldn’t have got with a woman who has Children though if he didn’t want to include them

I don’t think he’s wrong either. At this stage in the relationship of course he wants to go away with just you. And his reaction to your chat was good so ignore those saying he’s not a keeper. My bf has kids much younger than mine. I love him to bits but would much rather go away just the two of us. Doesn’t mean I’m not committed to a future with him - and I understand they come as a package, but I think it’s healthy for me to go away with my kids, him with his, and also the 2 of us together (if we have any extra holiday time and money). Certainly not interested in doing all together! ... yet ...

I'd leave him, if he couldn't spend a week with my children after two years. He's not worth having.
If he said to me I'm not interested in spending a week with your children I'd have thrown him out there and then, if you have children with this man you would be mad, he would never treat your children fairly, they would always be 2nd best to his. Tell him he can go holiday on his own and stay away x

This happened with my Ex! He was in my DC life for 4 years. We took his and my kids every year on a week long uk break but then I mentioned I'm booking to take my DC on a family hol abroad this year he said oh mine aren't coming as the ex won't allow etc so do yours have to come. Can't we just go on our own ?! 🤣🤣amongst other things he never tried to bond with my dc anyway when I did his. Safe to say me n dc are having our family hol abroad and he isn't coming and he isn't ever coming back into our lives either🤣

"so he needs to take stock and consider whether a future with all of us is what he wants. He's a kind and genuine person and I trust him to consider it and be honest with me, and we'll go from there."

You shouldn't be leaving it upto him to make the decision. You should be actively doing that.

Living together is years away. Don't subject your children to living with someone who has to tolerate them. There are numerous threads on here were the Mother has ignored the bad treatment of her DC because she's left the decision making to her BF.

Personally, i never wanted to live with anyone again. It took four years, before my ex holidayed with us. We started off with camping two years in. So just dating, which is what you are doing, suited me.

My DD's bf sees himself as in it for keeps. Her children are younger and he wants a bond with them from as soon as possible (now they know how they feel about each other). He doesn't want to miss out on their development stages. He sees himself as a proper future stepdad. He had a good Stepdad himself, as well as a good dad.

i wouldn’t be bothered about him not coming on holiday but it would concern me that things would change when you have dc. however if they aren’t on the cards when will things change?

There is nothing wrong with what he requested but as you have been together for two years I don’t think it bodes well for a step up in to serious relationship territory such as small moving in together.