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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

506 replies

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 13:55

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 03/03/2020 17:52

according to some posters on MN women should have equal rights but only if it benefits them. If they have a child they should be able to never work again but a man should support them

Unfortunately there are many posters who confuse child maintenance for a man having to support a woman. The two are very different. And equal rights doesn’t mean 50/50, does it?

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 17:57

His ex wife needs to gather some self respect and get a job. It'll be better for everyone the long run!

It will be better for her, I agree. Unless she has substantial personal wealth.

However, her having a job will make no difference to the OP. At all.

The CMS and her working is 2 different issues. As I have said before, she could get a job tomorrow that pays amazing money. Op will still have to pay CMS.

Her working and him paying CMS are not connected at all. He is only bothered about her not working because he pays CMS. If that award is wrong and he stops paying it and she still doesnt work....so what?

It's not to do with the sex of the poster I would say the same if it was a woman. Check the CMS calculation. Wether the other person works or not, isnt something you can do anything about. Their working doesnt impact wether CMS is payable or not.

Friendsofmine · 03/03/2020 17:59

i just cant help but think that if this was a woman, having to pay a man maintenance who did not work and owned his house outright, the responses would be very different.

^

I suggest you give it a few days, re post with a name change and reverse sex and see what replies you get as a little experiment.

I think I would feel annoyed if I was working and my ex lived mortgage free on benefits yet I gave them maintenance for doing the same childcare.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 03/03/2020 18:00

But why?! If care is truly 50/50 then there should be no maintenance because each are paying as they should towards the care of the child.

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 18:01

according to some posters on MN women should have equal rights but only if it benefits them. If they have a child they should be able to never work again but a man should support them

This gets me everytime its raised.

I have always worked. Always been fulltime employed and earn good money. I have 2 kids and no man has ever financially supported me. Me and exh had seperate money because that's how I liked it. I have always made sure I can cover my own bills if dp left.

Her working isnt any of his business because it doesnt change the CMS award. If the CMS award is right, fheres information missing here. Like her earns a shed load. £200 per month, when care is 50:50 means he earns a very good wage OR it's not 50:50. Or the award is wrong.

If the award is corrected, she may still not have to work.

nameymcnamechangeagain · 03/03/2020 18:02

I can’t get a job to fit around my kids like my children’s father who works for his parents (we have child arrangements order via court too) I can’t claim child maintenance from him because it’s 50/50 and he was even awarded child benefit for one of the children, so we have one each. I’ve no idea how your ew wife has wrangled this arrangement but it’s not right, but there may be very good reason why she’s not working - I have zero chance of finding a job in these circumstances.

cocomelon23 · 03/03/2020 18:07

My child does 50 50 in exactly the same pattern as ops. He is the most chilled, happy, calmest child ever. Hes 10 and has done this for 7 years.

Ellisandra · 03/03/2020 18:07

Given that all the OP had to do was google, find out the obvious, and then call CMS, I’m slightly suspicious that there’s more backstory.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 18:08

Most people have access to childcare.

There are many reasons why women might not be able to work but i imagine it is quite rare.

Jaxhog · 03/03/2020 18:08

i just cant help but think that if this was a woman, having to pay a man maintenance who did not work and owned his house outright, the responses would be very different.

My thought too. While I sympathize with any mum who gave up working to look after children, this is one child of school age. He is only required to support his child, not his ex-wife. And then only for the portion of extra care she gives the child. Double standards indeed!

lemonsandlimes123 · 03/03/2020 18:30

This arrangement will screw your child up in the long term. 50/50 arrangements are all about making the parents feel good and nothing to do with the child's welfare. There is nothing admirable about there being no shared stuff it is simply an indication of the fact that your child is being forced to split themselves into two parts to meet your and your ex's requirements.

damnthatanxiety · 03/03/2020 18:30

P1nkHeartLovesCake nasty. And incorrect.

damnthatanxiety · 03/03/2020 18:34

Bercows
You seem to resent paying for your child.
How do you invent this? He has stated that he has the child half the week. He therefore is obviously happy to pay for his child. Unlike the mother it would seem...

Why did she have to go to court to sort contact and why did she have to go via cms for maintenance? That gives some indication of what kind of dad you are.
Ahh, here you go making stuff up in your head again. We have no idea what the story is but you merrily go along deciding that the Dad is some sort of monster...the Dad that has their loved child half the week and pays for the other half too. How DOES your brain work?

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 18:36

@lemonsandlimes123 that's really a load of bollocks. Like with most parenting, it depends on the child AND how you go about it.

It didnt particularly suit my kids, so now they opt to stay with me. It did work for quite a while until their dad met someone and moved her and her 2 kids in after 12 weeks. Theres lots of drama in the house.

Before that the kids liked seeing us both equally. If their dad had thought a bit more about the impact on them, then could have continued to be a good arrangement.

lemonsandlimes123 · 03/03/2020 18:41

kirkman - no it's really not bollocks. People, including children, like to have a secure home and splitting your time 50/50 between two different homes is very unsettling particularly if you have parents who both insist that you don't take stuff fro one place to the other. If arrangements are made so the children stay put and the adults had to up and change location every week then it might be in the child's interest but strangely enough that is never the solution it is always the children going from pillar to post.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/03/2020 18:43

It’s not rocket science you could answer most posts on this site with that one line.

Sotiredofthislife child maintenance is to support the child. Which the OP is already doing by sharing care.

This arrangement will screw your child up in the long term Oh please can I borrow your crystal ball?! You have no idea about what the child is like so who on earth do you think you are making statements like that?!

MarieQueenofScots · 03/03/2020 18:44

no it's really not bollocks

Issuing a statement of fact on a situation you can’t possible know anything about is absolutely bollocks.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 18:47

It works for some families and doesnt for others. Like everything!

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 18:50

lemonsandlimes123 it really is bollocks.

The reason it's not the parents that come and go, is because most people cabt afford to pay half to one property and another for the weeks they arent with the kids.

Again, it's like divorce. It's about the kids and how you handle it. It works for some. Not others.

You blanket statement, is bollocks.

Dontdisturbmenow · 03/03/2020 18:53

My understanding of CSA was that in the case of a 50/50, what mattered was that the children lived a similar lifestyle which ever time they spent with their parents, and that was the motive behind one paying the other parent maintenance. So yes, one parent working vs not working made a difference.

On one hand, it is understandable as it wouldn't be right for children to one week enjoying luxuries, nice reliable car, well maintained home, nice clothes, healthy meals one week, and being transported in a car that keeps breaking down, a house with limited heating, and run down clothes the other.

There will almost always be some differences, but it's about minimising these. Saying that, if the child is at school, surely mum will be expected to look for work? Or is it that she's in a new relationship and the man is happy to support her financially?

lemonsandlimes123 · 03/03/2020 18:53

No you are right Marie - family breakdown and insecure living arrangements definitely lead to the best outcomes for children.

lemonsandlimes123 · 03/03/2020 18:56

Kirkman - the parents could easily share two properties, swapping over weekly. No need for extra properties. Adults don't really like the sound of that though, I wonder why?

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 18:57

family breakdown and insecure living arrangements definitely lead to the best outcomes for children.

Family breakdown can be the best for the kids. Especially if the marriage is shit and toxic. Many kids do better after a split.

50:50 doesnt mean insecure.

See, blanket statements, are bollocks because it doesnt apply to every situation.

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 18:58

the parents could easily share two properties, swapping over weekly. No need for extra properties. Adults don't really like the sound of that though, I wonder why?

No, they really couldnt. When you get divorced the ties are cut. Buy and/pr renting properties together is untangling yourself financially.....again. theres a reason people split. Usually because sharing spaces, finances and lives isnt working for all concerned.

Sceptre86 · 03/03/2020 19:00

I think the op has gotten a hard time. So many people on this site see no issue with a women being supported by a man after divorce. In some cases women do leave themselves vulnerable by being a sahm, yet time and time again it is pointed out to them that a lack of work history will affect future job prospects and leaves them vulnerable. Ultimately they make their own choices. The OP is responsible for his child and is paying towards his or her care and having them 50:50.

The op's ex has a school aged child and unless she is disabled, or has younger children she should absolutely be finding some work. It is not easy but can be done and if she continues not to work then finding employment is only going to get harder.