To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

No you are right Marie - family breakdown and insecure living arrangements definitely lead to the best outcomes for children

So you’re saying it’s not at all nonsensical that you’re taking your own opinion and offering it as a hard fact?

Kirkman - it's all about the parents and not about the children.
If parents are amicable all sorts of arrangements are possible if the will is there.

If the relationship is so hostile that parents can't work together in the best interests of the children, then can you imagine the stress it puts a child under to spend 50/50 time with two people who they know hate each other? To effectively have to shuttle between two separate lives?

My best friend at school spent a week with her mum and a week with her dad, as did her sister. She felt as much at home at one as the other. I stayed at her at both house, and it really felt no different. They were perfectly well adjusted and happy and didn't feel much different. That was in the 80s!

Kirkman - it's all about the parents and not about the children.

Nope. Not always. Plenty parents that split but one has majority care, make it all about them. 50:50 doesnt equal parents putting themselves first. 80:20 doesnt equal parents putting the kids first.

If you are going to continue to share finances, property and the same space theres not point splitting.

Plenty of people can get in amicably with their ex, bit when having to be too involved with eachother it becomes toxic and bad for the kids.

You really need to broaden your horizons if you think one set up means parents arent any good and another means they are.

I didn't even want 50:50. But it didnt damage the kids. My ex making sure they knew his new girlfriend was his priority, did.

I cant for the life of me work out why a Mum who shares 50:50 care for their child expects any sort of financial support. She should get a job and if she needs after school care pay for it. Its only a couple of days a week. No one should expect to be supported by a man ad infinitum.

Kirkman - of course 50/50 isn't the only way parents put themselves first, You have listed an array of other ways in which parents can put themselves first! There are a whole multitude of ways that it can happen and this is simply one of them. Prioritising new partners as your ex did is another prime example.

If the relationship is so hostile that parents can't work together in the best interests of the children, then can you imagine the stress it puts a child under to spend 50/50 time with two people who they know hate each other? To effectively have to shuttle between two separate lives?

That could happen no matter what contact was arranged

kirkman - out of interest why didn't you want 50/50?

babytigerr - but this thread is about 50/50

Women's view please!

Why? Because women are some kind of hive mind?

You clearly have your views, you seem uninterested in any comments made and if you have really been through the court proceedings you know that CMS is for your child, not your wife.

Not sure what you are trying to achieve beyond a collection of "women's" comments to quote.

But youre saying its harmful for xyz reason, but none of those reasons are specificly related to 50/50!!

I was replying to a comment as to why the child has to be the one shuttling about rather than the parents.

out of interest why didn't you want 50/50?

Because I felt the kids would be better with me. Exh was a decent dad. But not great. Not organised, forgot things about school etc. He actually stepped up when he got 50:50.

And who doesnt want their kids with them half the week?

As I said, it did work. I cant stand him. The kids have no clue. My 15 year old often tell she is glad we have always got on. We havent. The kids didnt see it.

But no, having to share property, finances and space with him would have been and for my mental health. Like the marriage was. That's not good for the kids.

Because the parents swapping homes is frankly, ridiculous and causes its own set of problems entirely. Hence why very few people do it.

Kirkman - I don't want to make this about your story so I won't comment on it any further as that wouldn't be fair. But have a look at your last two paragraphs as they entirely contradict each other and pretty much sum up the issue, you can't have it both ways.

babytigerr - because it's difficult, inconvenient and hard to manage. Best leave it to the kids then as it's 'ridiculous' to expect adults to be the ones inconvenienced.

Sharing houses falls apart when they hit mid teens anyway. No kid really wants to lug school books and revision from house to house when they are doing GCSEs etc. I wouldn't want to live in two houses like that - why would a teen? They k=just start wanting to do whatever they want.

Smaller kids just seem to get passed around like parcels. Even with every other weekend you still have to be very organised. So 50:50 must be much tougher when you're trying to remember school stuff, sports kit, permission slips, hobbies and clothes. I dont really think its ideal.

How do they contradict eachother?

Not having to share my life with him meant I could be amicable with him.

Tell me exactly how I didnt act in the kids best interests.

When my parents split, my mum had custody of us and saw dad every other weekend. They hated eachother. It was shit.

Dont comment on things you dont know about. Ie my life.

Some kids do well with splits and do well with 50:5p care. Some kids dont do well when their parents stay together, split but live with one most of the time or infact any set up.

Blanket statements are bollocks because all people are different.

Sharing houses falls apart when they hit mid teens anyway. No kid really wants to lug school books and revision from house to house when they are doing GCSEs etc. I wouldn't want to live in two houses like that - why would a teen? They k=just start wanting to do whatever they want.

Again, bollocks.

And young kids dont get passed about. Again some parents are still together have their kids looked after by all and sundry. A woman on my team at work, has her granddaughter sleep twice a week, the other grandmother does the same. Her parents are still together.

Nothing you have said only applies to split couple who have 50:50 care.

Kirkman - I didn't comment on your life, i referred to your own comments and they speak for themselves.

No lemons the kids dont have to deal with any logistics. Like bills. Mortgages. Even things like decor when 2 divorced adults share 2 houses.

Its fucking stupid.

A child simply has 2 homes. A lot of the time they can come and go freely between them esp as they get older.

There are plenty of models of not great parenting, i don't think anyone is suggesting that 50/50 is the only one but it is what this thread is about.

50/50 in itself isnt "not great parenting"

babytigerr - all of those are adult's problem's for the adults to sort out but it is easier for them to have the child move so they don't have to deal with the problems. Logistically it's definitely more difficult for the adults but what about for the child?

And the child doesn't have two homes that is the way the parents like to see it, the child can feel that actually they don't have a home at all just two places to stay.

Theyre all adult problems that will affect the children.

Btw i was a child with 2 homes. Never bothered me so dont speak for all of us please.