To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

If a woman posted that CMS had riled she had to pay CMS, even though it was 50:50, I would tell her to challenge that.

To ignore wether he works or not as the aware isnt not based on wether he works or not.

To concentrate on wether what she is paying is right or not.

Just like I have told this OP.

Babytigerrr - I'm not saying it isn't the case for the OP's ex, but I'm sure you appreciate it isn't realistic everywhere to get childcare.

The easiest thing rather than making assumptions is to stick to the facts. The OP believes he is doing 50/50 in which case he has a decent case to bring to the CMS for a recalculation. The rest of his post is irrelevant - and all subsequent assumptions - are irrelevant.

He has wound you all up and done off.

@kirkman whether or not the claim is wrong she still had the brass neck to put it for it in the 1st place. So imo shes a scrounger

It's not always the case that a 50/50 CAO means no maintenance is payable.

My CAO states 50/50. In reality ex cancels contact whenever he has something better to do with his time but CMS can only go on court order.

I was awarded (paltry) maintenance because I pay for absolutely everything - all the childcare, extracurriculars, school trips, uniform, glasses, phone contracts, pocket money - and do pretty much everything including school pickups and care until the evening on 'his' days, and medical appts etc. He has them for sleepovers and keeps a minimal wardrobe at his house for them. Because his employment is erratic I enjoy the benefit of £4.50 per child per week as a payoff for his girlfriend telling them Daddy can't buy them socks because he gives Mummy all his money.

sotired like what?i mean seriously, she has the child half the time,
the wrap around costs would be minimal. she has no housing costs. even on min wage it'd be a piece of piss. why do we think women are so useless?

*exsistence of wrap around care

• cost of wraparound care
• transport issues, rural living, long commute to nearest town *zero hour contracts and availability
• where there are children of different ages, logistics of getting children to where they need to be at the right time
• lack of qualifications (or possibly over qualified in this case) *lack of recent work experience
• living in an area where work is scarce and unable to move ‘cos of 50/50 arrangement *no support to manage child’s illness
• ill health of child or parent
• disability of either child or parent *ill health or disability that is unpredictable and requires long periods off work *mental ill health *no savings to manage up front costs of working

I work 4 jobs most of the time, 5 if you include the seasonal stuff. I work more than full time as a result. And as a single mum. But I can see that there are many barriers to working that people here conveniently choose to ignore because far better to bash the poor and struggling than consider the wider issues. And I believe the woman concerned should work but I accept that she may need some help - of many kinds - to be able to get herself in a position where that is possible.

I would love to hear OP's ex wife's version of this.

Waxonwaxoff0

If you work 16 hours or less the DWP ask how much maintenance you get, they do count it as income. I work over 16 hours so my maintenance is unaffected, if you do the online application for UC for they take it into account if you are not working 16 hours. In the past when it was income support I know women who were terrified when CSA came into being as it affected their benefit payments. I was trying to show that OP's wife can't be sitting at home on full benefit plus getting maintenance. Do you think the government pay out money in benefits to non working parents if the NRP is paying full maintenance?

whether or not the claim is wrong she still had the brass neck to put it for it in the 1st place. So imo shes a scrounger

Why? If she entitled to it, why a scrounger?

£200 per month isnt enough to not work, if you actually need to. Chances are she still wont work, if she loses the money.

OP. There is no point posting this. As a man, you will never get a fair balanced hearing or the benefit of the doubt on this site. Most (not all) of the posters will be predisposed to take your exes side and very little will make them deviate from that narrative of ex wife good, ex husband bad.

£200 per month isnt enough to not work, if you actually need to. Chances are she still wont work, if she loses the money.

Then what stick will he use to beat her with ?
Reality is if he didn’t want to pay CMS there’s fuck all anyone will do about it

@CanIhelpyouatall I've just had my first payment of UC after transferring from income support and tax credits and housing benefit. They asked about maintenance but definitely do not take it into account. They didn't with tax credits either both when working over 16 hours and not working at all. A quick google reassured that they do not take maintenance into account. Many years ago it was I believe but certainly not since 2013 when I first got maintenance.

When I put my details through the cms calculator it still awards me a nominal amount if I enter 50:50 shared care.

However, it can’t be an awful lot, certainly not enough to make a difference to whether she works or not?

There have been cases where people have managed to get the child benefit split, or each claim for one child. I expect that your wife is relying on the CB claim to claim tax credits however. So she really won’t want to give that up.

@CanIhelpyouatall I've been on full income support and housing benefit. You have to disclose if you get maintenance but it does NOT affect your benefits. I've been through it personally. It did used to in the past but it doesn't any more.

Amazed at assumptions on here, the suspicious questioning, insistence that he is lying and aggression towards the OP.
For example, why did ex wife cease contact so ex husband had to go to court? Would really like to know... why? Because perhaps she was bitter and purely being awkward. I know several who have made life hell for their ex husbands over contact for no reason. They had to go to court and were granted contact, at their cost generally when mums could claim endless Legal Aid, which the dad could not claim and therefore contact was at the mercy of mum because they couldn’t afford £250 per hour legal fees.
However it doesn’t matter because in the end he was given access and 50/50 at that, by the court.

Feel sorry for the child? Why? One size does not fit all, dads should and are as capable as mums generally. Suggesting that dads should not have as much contact and care is wrong. Of course there are exceptions but that goes for mums too!

@Waxonwaxoff0
Apologies, my eldest is now 22 and Child maintenance used to be counted as income but it appears to no longer be the case. I was sure when I did a hypothetical application for UC (beford I was working 16 hours) it was one of the questions.

her childcare bill on a school week would be, breakfast and after school club. Around here that would cost you about £12. That is not a full days work on min wage is it?

how do other low paid workers manage? and often, they have a mortgage or rent on top? how does the dad manage?

OP, you should repost in a few days with reversed gender roles. I can assure you, the responses will be very different.

@CanIhelpyouatall no problem. They do indeed ask you to disclose it on the form, but it's not counted so I'm not sure why they ask.

God help us, the woman isn't always right! His ex wife needs to gather some self respect and get a job. It'll be better for everyone the long run!

I don't quite understand why the OP is being berated here It's because he's a man. Personally I believe in true equality but according to some posters on MN women should have equal rights but only if it benefits them. If they have a child they should be able to never work again but a man should support them.

If a man isn't pulling his weight in childcare it's "split up then he'll have to have 50/50". If a man comes on here who has his kids eow and 1 night in the week he's a shit dad for not doing 50/50. Here we have a father who actively sought 50/50 but he's still in the wrong and is going to cause damage to the child.

She's somehow supporting and bringing up the child with her 50%. However his 50% isn't enough and requires a financial contribution too.

It isn't hard to work if you have 1 school aged child half the time. I had a baby all the time and got into a manager's role within 2 years from entry level which now allows me to be flexible. So imo she's bloody lazy!

It's because he's a man

Or maybe because he’s posting incorrect nonsense about how the CMS reach decisions and is apparently avoiding the obvious and sensible course of action to him.

If he has doubts about whether he should pay maintenance, the simple action is contact the CMS. It’s not rocket science.

As part of the court-ordered settlement, what happened to the pension pot you built up over the years while your wife facilitated your earning power by caring for your child?Just curious to know whether there's more to this financial settlement than meets the eye.

I share care exactly 50:50 with my ex-husband and CMS states he doesn't have to pay a penny. He never has. He earns £105k plus pa while I work ft on around £13k pa.

I also do all dentist and doctor and only receive CB for one son (he claims for another despite having to pay it back).

Check again with CMS and please do let me know!!

I've always worked since my split - had no choice as ex remained in former marital home so I had to pay rent and put food on table. My kids were just 3 and 6 at the time. Still renting 6 years on!!

If the court order is 50:50, what is the issue with her not working? Or are you saying she isn't paying her half because she isn't working?