To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

On paper my friends ex has the kids eow so In theory that’s her time to relax and recharge ready for the next 12 days where she does have the kids 24/7 but the reality is she spends that time catching up on the piles of laundry, food prep and shopping cleaning etc from where they’ve literally just survived the previous fortnight. It’s no way to live, wouldn’t wish it on anyone and certainly no quality of life for the DC’s. My friend has a professional job that’s not available part time. Travels an hour each day for work, kids are up and out the door from 7 til 6pm. If you didn’t have to live that way why on earth would you

"just survived" - wow, i'd be pretty pissed if a friend described my parenting like that. i'm not saying anyone should do it if they dont have to, i'm saying that its entirely possible, a lot of single parents do work (like your friend who has her kids FT) and use childcare. The ops wife clearly could work, if she wanted to.

Its disingenuous to use childcare as an issue, when she would only need it half the time.

Would you be asking the same about a woman? no, would you fuck.

Actually I would if a woman was posting with the same level of entitlement and aggressivity.
The reality is, though, that women rarely do that....

that is just your opinion.

Actually lots of women post here with entitlement and aggression. Lots of them post about this very same subject!

You certainly wouldn't be questioning if it was true, because clearly in your head women can do no wrong and men can do no right.

Same level of entitlement?!

He should absolutely expect not to pay her to care for her child on her time.

The issue isn't whether or not she works or claims benefits. The issue is OP is paying maintenance when contact is 50:50. I don't see how this is possible as surely he would have contacted the cms for them to review it. Just seems like an exW bashing post from him.

I'm intrigued as to why the ex stopped meaningful contact. There's far more going on here but bottom line is that 50:50 equals no maintenance and it's up to OP to get the cms to review it.

If a woman posted the same as the OP my response would be the same.

The likelihood of a woman doing so is obviously less.

@Babytigerrr that’s how she describes it week in week out. It’s beyond stressful

@ChrissieKeller61 fair enough if thats how she herself describes it. I imagine it is stressful - i dont doubt that at all, but it isn't impossible as some posters are making out.

marie

likelihood of a woman doing what?

Why do you care? It’s none of your business.

It is his business if he's having to pay maintenance on top of 50/50 care though.

i just cant help but think that if this was a woman, having to pay a man maintenance who did not work and owned his house outright, the responses would be very different.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras - it’s £50 a week, I spend more than
That on coffee 🙄

Posting the thread. Law of averages.

It is his business if he's having to pay maintenance on top of 50/50 care though

It’s only his business if he is paying maintenance erroneously on number of nights. Whether she works or not is not relevant or his business.

@Babytigerrr but it never would be because how many put their hand up for full time care

@AMICrazyOrWhat2 There is normally no spousal maintenance though, whatever the employment history and it wouldn't affect CM anyway.

I really sympathise with your situation though - if your OH demands you be a trailing partner, it can so often go badly wrong:

Either you refuse and keep hearing that you have ruined his life, or you accept and he ruins yours if you split

• especially if you are trapped abroad until the kids are 18

Theoretically a trailing partner could first demand a legal contract for current & future compensation, support, pension contributions, retraining etc
but I don't know anyone who did this - imo, it is just as reasonable as a pre-nup

I am aghast by the amount of posters who say a mother of a primary school aged child without additional needs cannot hold down a job - esp when the child is not in her care for full 2 days.

How do posters think many other women (often with no input from dad) hold down full time roles whilst bringing up children all by themselves.

@ChrissieKeller61 Great. Then if it's so little she can do without it.

never?

really? never?

ime most women do not want shared care. I would wager that most women have never considered that they wouldnt be the RP.

Its not as simple as "men dont want to be RP"

most men dont get the choice

its ingrained into us that women look after the kids and the men pay for it - it isnt just men that are to blame for that

Btw the fact she is or isn’t working is none of the OP’s problem. She couod be earning thousands of pounds, he would still have to Pau the same CM.

How so? What if she earned more than op - wouldn't she have to.pay op CMS?

@ChrissieKeller61 do you really spend that on coffee? Thats my food bill for 3 of us for a week! Anyway she does sound like a sponger. She should get off her arse and get a job.

If she’s been out of the workplace for six years, expecting her to work and pick up half the childcare bill is unrealistic.
However it’s reasonable for her to start to rebuild her career. I’d expect her to find work, even part time to begin with, and contribute a proportionate amount to childcare.
She has a lot of years before she can retire and it will be better for her mental health and her wallet to rebuild her independence.

@ChrissieKeller61 so what? If it's only £50 a week then she can manage without it can't she?

Op has a mortgage to pay. His ex wife doesn't. £50/ week might not be a lot of money to you but it might be a lot to the op.

Point remains - why should he have to.psy it when he already pays more than his share - he says he does 50/50 plus pays school related expenses.

If she’s been out of the workplace for six years, expecting her to work and pick up half the childcare bill is unrealistic

lol, why?

her childcare bill on a school week would be, breakfast and after school club. Around here that would cost you about £12. That is not a full days work on min wage is it?

She has no mortgage to pay.

It isnt unrealistic at all

"just survived" - wow, i'd be pretty pissed if a friend described my parenting like that
I agree. Single working ft and I'm pleased that I've raised two very happy, well adjusted young adults who are already contributing to society in many ways. We did more than just survived. I would even say that being used to long days from a young age, it has become their normality and they have adjusted to the demands of full on adult life much better than many of their peers.

£50 on coffee! Wow, that’s more than our week’s shopping

She could work for Royal Mail. They have zero hour contacts in their distribution centres. You can pick and choose your contacts through their agency. Operating 24 hours seven days a week. She could work on her child-free days.