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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

506 replies

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 13:55

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

OP posts:
Kirkman · 05/03/2020 13:40

Him having a partner, wouldnt.

But if he has a partner, there would be the possibility of other kids.

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 13:41

Pressed post too soon.

Him being single, would have more of a chance of there being no further kids that he is paying for

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 14:54

yes, but we've already established there's no other kids!

for crying out loud Grin you're arguing for the sake of it now!

ffswhatnext · 05/03/2020 15:02

I don’t know about the op but why should others support her because of her lifestyle choices?

Benefits are there as a stop gap afterall.

The ex should be thinking long term. Eventually the child will leave home. Maybe the op gets ill or something and the payments have to stop.

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 15:36

Yes, so him being single is relevant.

How can you say I am arguing for the sake of it, when you are doing the same.

She doesnt have to work

Not because he (or you) thinks so.

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 15:40

The ex should be thinking long term. Eventually the child will leave home. Maybe the op gets ill or something and the payments have to stop.

I 100% agree, it's in her interests to work. For the reasons you say. I always kept my career for those reasons, even with young kids and as a single mum.

Unless she can completely self fund.

But the fact remains, her not working wont impact the CMS. And if she is claiming the benefits, she cant claim them forever. Or even a long period. She must be looking for work. Bit op will still have to pay CMS, if she gets a job or comes off benefits. Again, IF she is claiming them.

Benefits dont indefinitely fund single parents who arent working.

glossypeach · 05/03/2020 15:52

Say child support is only 15% of your income... that 15% goes towards your child. The rest goes towards yourself. All the money the mum gets goes towards bills to put a roof over your childs head, the clothes on her body, the food in her stomach. Literally a child residing with mum a majority of the time means that most of her 'income' goes towards her child. If you see a photo of her drinking or with her nails done? So what. As long as your child is well cared for then why shouldn't mum be allowed to treat herself? And everyone is going on about she should work, if she has anxiety that really affects some people's ability to work so why judge her for that? What mum does with her money is so irrelevant, you should want to pay for your child now rather than a sum in the future. Please stop complaining about having to pay a SMALL chunk of money that will BENEFIT your child.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 15:57

Say child support is only 15% of your income... that 15% goes towards your child. The rest goes towards yourself. All the money the mum gets goes towards bills to put a roof over your childs head, the clothes on her body, the food in her stomach

How on earth did you reach that conclusion? They share 50/50 care so the op is buying as much food, clothes, bills etc etc for his child as his ex wife is except that he has a mortgage to pay to put a roof over the child's head and he doesn't get maintenance or child benefit which the mum does.

This isn't a case of a non resident parent complaining about paying maintenance. He pays as much as the mum does for his child, plus also has to give the mum extra on top, and she gets to claim child benefit in addition.

MarieQueenofScots · 05/03/2020 16:13

and she gets to claim child benefit in addition

Yeah that £20 a week is surely paying for her hedonistic lifestyle....

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 16:22

It doesn't matter, it's money that she's getting on top of everything else.

Why is she more entitled to get the child benefit than op us, when they share the care 50/50?

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 16:34

Because CMS says so

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 16:35

And because he hasnt tried to have it changed.

People seem to be missing that there is alot that the OP could do. But isnt.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 16:44

CMS don't decide who receives child benefit do they?

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 17:49

No sorry, I was talking about the money in general

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 18:02

so him being single is relevant

Its not.

Him having no other kids is relevant.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 18:04

10) The CMS decided maintenance on the basis of who receives child benefit. I have challenged that decision

From op at 20.56 yesterday @Kirkman

[Hmm]

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 18:04

Hmm even

Kirkman · 05/03/2020 18:12

Him having no other kids is relevant.
.yes and given he is single, that makes more kids less likely.
From op at 20.56 yesterday@Kirkman

Great. So he is challenging it. This has been going on a while.

Still not relevant that she does or does work. His issue isnt with her.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 18:15

Still not relevant that she does or does work

Yeah i think we all get it since youve said it 88,000 fucking times.

ffswhatnext · 05/03/2020 18:17

@youknowitmakessensedunnit
If you get no joy with CMS try your local MP.

Although ideally, ex should also be contacting them to say it's 50/50 and close the case.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/03/2020 18:17

18 pages and the long and short of it is that OP has the capacity to change things but chooses not to. That's the OP's lookout, but you can't bitch and main about the unfairness of something if you're not willing to do anything about it.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 18:19

OP has the capacity to change things but chooses not to

Whats he not changing??

Hes disputing it with CMS.

He could also apply for CB himself. But i expect hed get called all the names under the sun for that.

ffswhatnext · 05/03/2020 18:20

How can he change it when he gets told by CMS that it is correct?

If he hadn't have posted he might not have realised that it can be appealed or taken further.

He is now aware that it's not the norm and can also advise the ex of this, who knows she might close the claim.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 18:21

Why isn't the op trying to change it? He said he's challenged the CMS decision. What more can he do?

ffswhatnext · 05/03/2020 18:27

If it gets the cma sorted, of course, he should also put in a claim for CB.

If I was the ex I would also be triple check it for my own sanity. If they've made an error, which in all likelihood it is, it's a huge amount for her to pay back.

I actually don't blame the op for being pissed off. He sees his dd 50% yet has to also cover the days the child is with mum. Where does mum bit come into it?

And if it wasn't possible to stay for years on benefits, then how do people get away with it? I know people in their 40's and 50's who haven't worked ever and still claiming even though in some, the children have since left home?