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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

506 replies

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 13:55

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

OP posts:
WoofAndWhiskers · 05/03/2020 19:40

Only one person can claim child benefit. He might be earning too much anyway.

It isn't the case that cma decide based on who is claiming cb. Their website states, as has been posted on here already, that for shared care ...

*You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:

sharing care equally with the other parent
a full-time student with no income
in prison*

As there is never a time when both parents claim cb, that has nothing to do with cms decision on maintenance

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 19:43

It isn't the case that cma decide based on who is claiming cb

Ime they do use this as evidence. When dps ex claimed dss lived with her when he didnt, they tried to use that against us. The only reason we werent claiming it was because shed lied to them too! We did get it sorted eventually but christ it was a task.

We found some people far more helpful than others!

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 19:44

However youre right they shouldnt when its 50/50 but honestly some of the people we dealt with were useless.

WoofAndWhiskers · 05/03/2020 19:53

Yes, I know what you mean, they do use it when both are claiming they are the main parent, along with other evidence like address registered at GP etc. But if it really is shared care then he doesn't have to pay maintenance, as their website says. my conclusion: it isn't 50:50 shared care.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 19:56

Having dealt with the cms for a long time. My conclusion is - cms are wrong and it will probably get sorted in about 10 years and 8942 phonecalls

WoofAndWhiskers · 05/03/2020 20:00

Or op will just moan on here because it isn't really 50:50 as he knows full well or he'd have made an effort to get it sorted in the first place

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 20:01

Jesus christ HE HAS.

MarieQueenofScots · 05/03/2020 20:08

The only thing I find eminently surprising is that the CMS appear to be “wrong” in favour of the woman...

WoofAndWhiskers · 05/03/2020 20:12

He says he has. I call complete bullshit. The rules on that changed years ago. He even has a court order for 50:50 apparently. He posted and ran ... pretty much no more update ... why's that I wonder

Maybe these people can help him if he is looking to challenge the decision, instead of a vote on mn about what a lazy cow his ex is ...

www.nacsa.co.uk/equal-shared-care

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 20:13

What?

They are shit in general. Theyre not "wrong against women" - theyre not very good at enforcing payments but thats men being wrong against women not the CMS.
Confused

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 20:14

Hes updated a couple of times. Dont see how hes "ran"

If you dont believe it why even post on here?

MarieQueenofScots · 05/03/2020 20:14

They are shit in general. Theyre not "wrong against women" - theyre not very good at enforcing payments but thats men being wrong against women not the CMS

The CMS have far more powers at their disposal to enforce non-payment. They choose not too. Sure, i agree it’s men being shit - the whole thing is patriarchal nonsense.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 20:16

Its still not them making a wrong decision of whether maintenance is payable.

MarieQueenofScots · 05/03/2020 20:18

Its still not them making a wrong decision of whether maintenance is payable

Fortunately I never said it was Confused I do think they’re wrong not making more feckless twats pay for their kids.

I have little respect for shit fathers and indeed the organisation who won’t use the powers they have to ensure children aren’t fucked over.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 20:21

I do think they’re wrong not making more feckless twats pay for their kids

I agree.

I have little respect for shit fathers and indeed the organisation who won’t use the powers they have to ensure children aren’t fucked over

Agree with this too

Them being so crap is why i think its more likely that they are wrong, than it is that op is lying

MarieQueenofScots · 05/03/2020 20:23

Them being so crap is why i think its more likely that they are wrong, than it is that op is lying

I tend to take all polarising OP’s with a pinch of salt. First rule of the Internet, if a poster seems too good to be true, they are.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 20:35

I dont see how he is "too good to be true" tbh.

You wouldnt think a woman saying any of this was "too good to be true"

ferrier · 05/03/2020 21:04

Benefits dont indefinitely fund single parents who arent working

They can. As long as the claimant can satisfy the DWP that they are fulfilling their claimant commitment (which would probably entail around 16 hours a week looking for work and work related activity) then their claim will continue.

ChrissieKeller61 · 06/03/2020 07:24

@ferrier the criteria is school hours 9-2 up to an hour away travel ... so 10-2 then in reality. Monday to Friday. I reckon you could be looking for a long time

RainMinusBow · 06/03/2020 22:19

In cases of 50:50 there is nothing payable. I've been divorced for years with 50:50 shared care so I should know!

Raspberrytruffle · 06/03/2020 22:32

Remember all those years your ex wife sacrificed raising your children so you could work,? Stop being such a selfish ungrateful man, some woman I believe do take the piss but it really annoys me men dont realise the sacrifice that woman do raising the family and basically running the house whilst you are free to develop your career and hobbies, how you get to go out and have fun with your buddies? I'm terribly sorry if I'm 200% off the mark I'm fed up of women getting used and called useless sponges.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 06/03/2020 22:36

Maybe women should actually start standing up for themselves and making decisions for themselves.

I'm fed up of all the lil womens making dumb ass decisions and acting like there's nothing but air between their ears.

ffswhatnext · 06/03/2020 22:40

Remember all those years your ex wife sacrificed raising your children so you could work,?

And what sacrifice would that be? She didn’t give
Up work to be a sahm.

The op has the child half the week and has to contribute for the time his child is with mum.

Funny how he’s the selfish one. He works and juggles his week around.

Babytigerrr · 07/03/2020 21:44

raspberry you do know that you dont HAVE to give up work to have kids right?

Like, you can choose to go back to work.

The reality is a lot of women actively WANT to be sahms. And thats fine.

But then they get a divorce and its all "i sacrificed this and i sacrificed that"

Yeah. Because you wanted to. And imo women should really really think about what might happen in the future before they decise to give up their career. But the only person who is responsible for doing that is them.

WoofAndWhiskers · 07/03/2020 21:58

Nope. It's a joint family decision made in the full knowledge that the law will support them with an appropriate split of assets including pensions built up by one person if they later divorce