To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

And the child doesn't have two homes that is the way the parents like to see it, the child can feel that actually they don't have a home at all just two places to stay

Can being the pertinent word in that theory.

Kirkman - I will explain. 50:50 is difficult to sustain as its hard to be so organised as to always have what is needed for the next day in that house and as school and homework requirements get more stringent it becomes difficult even for those who do EOW. All the teens I know, without exception (including my own) stopped swapping at 16. Full stop. Lets say around 10 sets of kids.

Of course all the teens you know may continue splitting their time 50:50 into adulthood but I find that quite unlikely. Or should I say Bollocks!

No where did you say that you are willing to alter the care split to accommodate her potential working hours.

A job will either be set hours every week or they will want her to be flexible every week. Are you willing to adjust the care split for this?

Anyway, I don't need to justify my opinion to you and you don't need to explain your decisions to me. We disagree and the world keeps turning!

At 16 id expect kids to do what they want regardless of what the prev set up was.

Not many 16yos do EOW either. Doesnt prove that 50/50 is flawed.

I didn't comment on your life, i referred to your own comments and they speak for themselves.

No they dont. You are twisting it into something it's not to make it for your narrative.

Theres no 'right' way. Details matter. What works for one family doesnt work for the other.

If you want to be so close minded that you cant understand, that what you are saying could apply to any set up and doesnt apply to some 50:50 set ups, that's your issue.

Personally, I wouldnt be so closed minded to think that what I thought was the right way, was righr for everyone else.

You dont need to justify your opinion but you should really stop stating it as fact

You dont need to justify your opinion but you should really stop stating it as fact

This 100%

50/50 can and does work for my children. I have no idea whether it works for other children, how can I make that judgement?

Sotiredofthislife child maintenance is to support the child. Which the OP is already doing by sharing care

Please do not patronise me. Sharing care is about way more than having the care of your child 50% of the time.

And child maintenance morally should be paid where there is a discrepancy in income, regardless of working status. Divorce settlements are about leaving two people on an equal footing. Few partnerships have 2 people earning exactly the same. There would be cries of LTB if a lower earned reported being forced to pay 50% of all child related costs. Somehow when separated means 50% of costs which is rarely reasonable, particularly where the courts don’t have the legal backing to make things fair. The majority of people who benefit financially from 50/50 care are men who then go on to ignore their responsibilities, citing ‘she gets all the benefits’ as the reason for that.

There is huge abuse, anecdotally at least, of the 50/50 = no maintenance system. Huge.

Because when you are separated that's it! No more having to support each other because you are not a family. The other parent is no longer your problem.

Because when you are separated that's it! No more having to support each other because you are not a family. The other parent is no longer your problem

I don’t agree it has to be like that. Ex-H and I both support each other (certainly emotionally). We very much have loving family feelings for each other. If he lost his job, we would discuss how I would support and vice versa, because what matters is DD.

I dont think the majority of cases are "fair" tbh.

My ex wants 50/50. It can't really happen as his working hours are irregular and DC doesn't want to. He is a high wage earner where as I'm on Universal credit, living in a private rented home and have 2 low paid jobs which fit round the children. Am I correct in thinking he wouldn't have to pay any maintenance at all if it was 50/50?

It would be interesting to hear her side

light

Sigh. Because men are obviously incapable of telling the truth.

I do think there is some sexism operating here, if it was a man refusing to get a job when it was 50/50 care, Mumsnet would be up in arms. The mum is free every other weekend and 2 days a week. While it’s not easy to get a job based round those hours, it’s possible and i would do my best to do it in those circumstances, op, yanbu

Sotiredofthislife I'm not patronising you, I just don't agree I just find your opinion that he owes maintenance by daring to earn more, silly. I had nothing when ds's father fucked off (has never met him...his choice) but I built a career to support us. I have no family or friends help but I did it. So I believe others, man or woman, can do the same. If ds's dad popped up and got granted access I would not want to be penalised for daring to build a career. Nobody "facilitated" it. I did it alone.

She's the mum and will always be the primary caregiver. Get on with your parenting and leave her alone.

She's the mum and will always be the primary caregiver

Why? Is that a special priviledge that comes with having a vagina? i mean nobody told me about that when i pushed a baby out.

@youknowitmakessensedunnit from your previous post

‘ I pay just short of £50 a week...’ by a reverse lookup on the CMS website, this payment level suggests that you have your child to stay an average of 2-3 nights per week.

The next two banding are 3 nights & more than 3 nights - & the contributions suggested fall by roughly £10 per banding. So more than three nights pw on average is roughly £28 pw.

If the overnights are effectively seven nights per fortnight plus overnights on holidays, then you need to revisit the CMS case.

Exh and I do week on/week off. Kids are teens, one is doing his GCSEs.

It's absolutely fine and they're happy and like how it works out.

So get to fuck with your judgemental blanket statements.

Wow, 11 pages of dancing round OP’s dick arguing whether he should be paying towards his child or not.

1, OP has been to court over access. Are we to believe that OP wouldn’t have the knowledge or ability to contact CMS if he thought their calculations were wrong? The calculations are set out in the letters they send so any errors would show up there.

2, OP says he does 50/50 and pays for school activities and one offs. Who pays for school uniform, clothes, shoes etc?

3, The OP says that his XW has money put aside. If that is the case then over £16000 would disqualify her from means tested benefits, so that doesn’t add up.

4, Whether she works or not has sweet FA to do with OP.

5, If OP is paying £50 per week despite doing 50/50 or close to 50/50 childcare then he’s bringing in a very healthy wage indeed. Christ knows when he earns it if he’s doing 50/50 and pick ups and drop offs in the week.

I call bullshit.

OP if you think CMS have got it wrong then call them. You’re a big boy now, one who knows how to apply to court, so go deal with it. Mumsnet is not the CMS and it’s not a place to seek validation for your hostility towards your ex wife.

She's the mum and will always be the primary caregiver

What bollocks.

But, the OP must be lying (apparently) because he's man. All women are great, so obviously his ex-wife can do no wrong.

I used to be a fierce and vocal feminist.

Then I found MN.