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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with DH about this repeated mistake?

115 replies

Fudgewhizz · 03/03/2020 13:52

Background: three years ago DH made a mistake at work which led to him having to leave - it was going to a hearing and he resigned rather than risk it. Was handled extremely badly by the company and should never have got to that stage, and he was treated pretty unfairly given that it was an oversight (albeit a stupid one) that had no repercussions either on the business or anyone else, but they concentrated on what could have happened and we are where we are.

He’s since worked in a different industry as he couldn’t get another job in the original one, but got made redundant from that. He is now back in the original industry where he wants to be but on half the salary, which we can only afford to stay on for a short time without selling the house and uprooting DCs, which we really don’t want to do. There’s no possibility of my earning any more. As such he’s now applying for other jobs, which are few and far between.

Today he missed a deadline for one because he didn’t read the ad properly. It was a really good job, he had everything they wanted, and would have pretty much solved all our issues. He got defensive and upset because I was cross about him missing it, and it took ages for him to admit he’d made a mistake - ‘it definitely didn’t say that date before’ etc. This is the fourth time this has happened. The mistake he made at work was due to a similar thing and I now feel like unless I’m over his shoulder checking everything for job applications he won’t get it done or he’ll miss something else. I proofread his applications and he frequently leaves out crucial information they’ve asked for, because he hasn’t read it properly. He thinks I’m BU for getting so cross but I feel like I have to be constantly on his back. It’s really stressful as I’m now spending a lot of time worrying when he’s next going to make a mistake at work or miss another job deadline. I don’t want to nag him, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. I left him to it this time and he missed it, and it’s so, so important that he gets another job or we’re up the creek. AIBU for getting angry that he just seems to make the same mistake over and over? I want to support him but I’m getting near the end of my tether!

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 03/03/2020 13:57

YABU to think it is sustainable for you to manage his incompetence. Take control of your own life, figure out what you and your DCs need and decide how he contributes to that if at all.

You can't make him more employable than he is. If he is making mistakes like this regularly he clearly isn't competent enough to be doing the kind of jobs he is applying for (or failing to apply for). Application processes and disciplinary processes are there for a reason - to filter out the unsuitable.

Accept he is unreliable and decide if you want to sack him too.

bigchris · 03/03/2020 14:00

God leave him be! You sound too intense

Maybe you should be the one who retrains and earns higher

Lynda07 · 03/03/2020 14:03

Obviously this is an area in which he needs to shape up a bit but he has to realise it himself and take action.

It's not a bad idea to send in a job application after closing date, backdated of course; many firms will consider them especially if they don't have many suitable applications.

I do wonder if your husband lacks confidence, panics, but doesn't want to show it because he feels inadequate.

I really hope he finds something suitable soon but, in the meantime, at least he is working albeit for far less salary.

DesLynamsMoustache · 03/03/2020 14:03

What @VeniceQueen2004 said.

crustycrab · 03/03/2020 14:06

Do you work OP?

fruitbrewhaha · 03/03/2020 14:07

So either your DH is capable of dealing with this level of attention to detail which is needed in some professions and more so the higher up you get or he actually isn't.

If he is, why is he ballsing stuff up? He is presumably under quite a bit of pressure. Is he worried he can't handle that kind of roll anymore?

What does he want to do? I think you need to have a long chat about the future. It may mean having to move to a cheaper house or area. But that wouldn't be the end of the world.

Original poster
Fudgewhizz · 03/03/2020 14:13

@crustycrab yes I work pretty much full time - currently pg so no option to go elsewhere, and my job also gives us the flexibility we need from a childcare point of view.

He’s generally very good at what he does - mistakes are rare. They come from him just occasionally getting a bit too lackadaisical Hmm His current employer is extremely pleased with him and he’s in a slightly different area in the same industry which he enjoys more than his previous one, so I suppose the leaving the last job has been a blessing in disguise in some ways. I think what happened with that job has been enough to shock him into making sure he doesn’t make more mistakes at work but that obviously hasn’t quite translated into job applications.

In every other way he’s brilliant - fantastic dad, very supportive husband. I just need him to not miss job application deadlines because if he doesn’t get one in the next few months he won’t be earning enough for us to get another mortgage deal and we’ll end up on the SVR of our current provider, which we can’t afford!

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 03/03/2020 14:14

You are putting an awful lot of pressure on him, OP, and he doesn't seem to be someone who responds well to that. Take a step back and stop the micromanaging, you can't control what he does at work and there is no point in spending your time doing that - it helps neither of you, but it does wind both of you up!

MsTSwift · 03/03/2020 14:16

You need to be the main wage earner he’s not up to it

ActualHornist · 03/03/2020 14:22

OP - regarding your mortgage deal.

You can get a new rate with your current mortgage lender without having to go through any affordability or eligibility criteria, speak to them about changing your rate - all you do is choose a new one with them and they’ll sort it.

This won’t solve your husband’s issue but it will hopefully alleviate your money worries!

Hingeandbracket · 03/03/2020 14:22

YABU and you sound as if you are from the 1950s with you being "cross" all the time :)
No doubt he is aware of the house situation and didn't miss the deadline on purpose.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2020 14:23

At this point, I would assume his carelessness is deliberate, for whatever reason that may be. Laziness, insecurity, etc. What you do know is that all of your nagging and supervision isn't helping, so I would be working very hard at advancing your career, because it's clear you can't depend on your husband. This does not bode well for the future of your marriage I'm afraid.

SouthernComforts · 03/03/2020 14:24

'Currently pg'.. always the case on these threads! What was the plan b before you ttc if he didn't find a better job in time?

Hingeandbracket · 03/03/2020 14:27

At this point, I would assume his carelessness is deliberate, for whatever reason that may be. Laziness, insecurity, etc.
Why?

DesLynamsMoustache · 03/03/2020 14:28

Because it's the fourth time it's happened?

isabellerossignol · 03/03/2020 14:28

It's not a bad idea to send in a job application after closing date, backdated of course; many firms will consider them especially if they don't have many suitable applications.

This blows my mind. Where I live there's no way a company would accept an application after the closing date. Is that even legal?

mummymeister · 03/03/2020 14:30

This sounds a bit like the parent who does their kids GCSE coursework. they get a good grade in it but then when they go onto an exam only course or Uni they balls it up because either they never had the level of skills needed in the first place or they had become basically too dependent on someone else to do it for them.

firstly I would want to rule out any sort of degenerative/memory type diseases. its a long shot but if he has previously been at a certain level and now isnt then this could be a reason. then I would want to know if he is actually up to the level of the job. you think he is but maybe you might have to accept that he actually isnt and under his last employment he was overpromoted for his level of skills and intelligence. In which case, if you want to maintain your current lifestyle then instead of spending all of your time and energy on him you need to put some into yourself and your own career ambitions. just because he used to be at a certain level doesnt mean he will be there again. perhaps you not accepting this is adding to his level of stress and pressure.

at this point you have a parent /child relationship with your husband and you must surely realise this is not sustainable in a marriage.

DesLynamsMoustache · 03/03/2020 14:31

Closing dates aren't a legal thing, surely? They're for practical reasons for the firm. I didn't spot the perfect job until the day after applications closed, but I applied anyway, explained, and ended up getting the job. Some places might accept late applications, others won't.

DesLynamsMoustache · 03/03/2020 14:31

And if it was the dream job then damn right I would apply a day late. Nothing to lose!

Member · 03/03/2020 14:31

Sounds like he needs to get rigorous on using a phone-based calendar with a reminder.

Not everybody is great with the whole organising/planning/prioritising part of their brain but feel because other people manage, that they should be able to remember.

I’d try and help with a routine of voice memos to add things during day quickly then converting to phone calendar as soon as he comes in at the end of the day. You may need to prompt until it’s ingrained as routine.

It’s externalising some of the brain’s own management system so it’s more streamlined.

It’d annoy me too but I think it’s very unlikely that he’s doing it on purpose.

Waveysnail · 03/03/2020 14:33

You are piling on the pressure. He sounds happy in his current job. Could you not increase hours/money in your job?

DesLynamsMoustache · 03/03/2020 14:33

Missing a deadline date once is unfortunate, twice is careless, four times is either 'I dont care enough to bother' or 'I have something else going on'. Only you can know which it is, OP.

Hingeandbracket · 03/03/2020 14:34

Because it's the fourth time it's happened?
He made 4 different errors?
Does OP really expect to find a DH who never makes any errors?

mauvaisereputation · 03/03/2020 14:36

I think you are putting way too much pressure on him. It sounds like he has gone through a really stressful period. I think it's good to be supportive but you have to step back and let him manage his own career. Everyone makes mistakes - and perhaps he is particularly prone to a certain kind of them (should he be factoring that in to his job search). I wouldn't accept my husband criticising me for my professional decisions or missteps.

I would speak to your current mortgage provider about a potential change in circumstances to see if you can get some breathing space.

DesLynamsMoustache · 03/03/2020 14:37

I assume she means it's the fourth time he has missed the deadline date for a job he has voiced interest in. So yes, I wouldn't expect my husband to miss out on four job applications because he couldn't keep track of the date

Of course, if he's not actually interested in getting a new job then you'll have to find another way to make the finances work, really.

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