To be cross with DH about this repeated mistake?

[Fudgewhizz]

Background: three years ago DH made a mistake at work which led to him having to leave - it was going to a hearing and he resigned rather than risk it. Was handled extremely badly by the company and should never have got to that stage, and he was treated pretty unfairly given that it was an oversight (albeit a stupid one) that had no repercussions either on the business or anyone else, but they concentrated on what could have happened and we are where we are.

He’s since worked in a different industry as he couldn’t get another job in the original one, but got made redundant from that. He is now back in the original industry where he wants to be but on half the salary, which we can only afford to stay on for a short time without selling the house and uprooting DCs, which we really don’t want to do. There’s no possibility of my earning any more. As such he’s now applying for other jobs, which are few and far between.

Today he missed a deadline for one because he didn’t read the ad properly. It was a really good job, he had everything they wanted, and would have pretty much solved all our issues. He got defensive and upset because I was cross about him missing it, and it took ages for him to admit he’d made a mistake - ‘it definitely didn’t say that date before’ etc. This is the fourth time this has happened. The mistake he made at work was due to a similar thing and I now feel like unless I’m over his shoulder checking everything for job applications he won’t get it done or he’ll miss something else. I proofread his applications and he frequently leaves out crucial information they’ve asked for, because he hasn’t read it properly. He thinks I’m BU for getting so cross but I feel like I have to be constantly on his back. It’s really stressful as I’m now spending a lot of time worrying when he’s next going to make a mistake at work or miss another job deadline. I don’t want to nag him, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. I left him to it this time and he missed it, and it’s so, so important that he gets another job or we’re up the creek. AIBU for getting angry that he just seems to make the same mistake over and over? I want to support him but I’m getting near the end of my tether!

@Hollowgast That would only work if she missed a doctor's appointment for the same malady four times. I think most people would be a bit critical of that, yes? From the sounds of things, it's four jobs that he's intended to apply for and then missed the date for. And lost his job because he missed the deadline for something else. That's careless at best 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course we forget and miss stuff. I missed a vet's appointment yesterday as I forgot to write it down. But if I had missed multiple in presumably a relatively short space of time, then quite rightly they would be annoyed at me, and I should really reevaluate how I organise things.

It's a repeated mistake of the exact same kind, not four entirely different mistakes. That's the issue, surely.

So either he needs to be babysat, he doesn't care, or he doesn't want those jobs in the first place. The latter is probably most likely and he's 'missing' the dates because he just doesn't want to apply. If that's the case then OP is, ofc, being UR in pushing him.

Did he apply anyway? he needs to - the perfect candidate can apply after the deadline and will get the interview/job if they are right for the business!

One of the longest jobs my mum had was from an ad I saw when she was away and applied a few days afterwards

Is he dyslexic? I'd recommend he get tested

Accept he is unreliable and decide if you want to sack him too.

😂😂😂

Love reading this forum to see how quickly something trivial turns into a 'must leave now' scenario. Reckon there's a lot of undercover divorce lawyers on here... 🤑

Suggest he sends the application in anyway with a cover letter dated several days before the deadline. Well worth a go.

People tend to make more mistakes when someone is constantly breathing down their neck and criticising them. It makes them shut down. Maybe back off a bit. I’m assuming if you trust him enough to get pregnant by him and produce children you can trust him enough to handle himself.

He doesn't want to leave his current job. He's probably only expressing an interest in the higher paying ones to get you off his back.

At a guess, he doesn’t want a new job. If he did, he would get his arse in gear and not make “mistakes”.

I think pressuring him to get a “better” (higher paid) job just because you’ve decided to have another baby that you can’t afford is a mistake. If he’s too stressed to even fill the forms in, it’s not going to end well. Putting all the burden of earning more on him is unfair when presumably you’ll be just as capable after maternity leave. Maybe you should start looking to the future too.

It sounds like he could certainly stand to grow up a bit. He should never have left the first job, the hearing might have just been procedure.

I was going to suggest ways you could help him with his organization but according to commenters here that would qualify as smothering him and make him a poor sad man who would then make even more mistakes. So I suppose you just have to cross your fingers and hope he doesn't screw up badly again...

With that amount of support he is needing to even apply for the job,I’d say he simply wasn’t up to it ,and that’s why in one way or another he’s ballsing it up.
I’d say you need to be getting back to work ASAP
Baby or not
Or cut your cloth ,
You seem to be wanting dh that’s a high earner ,....you’ve not got one
You need to face facts

His current employer is extremely pleased with him and he’s in a slightly different area in the same industry which he enjoys more than his previous one

If he is enjoying this job and his employer is pleased with him, then either consciously or subconsciously he doesn't want another job.

It isn't just up to him to bring in the money.

Closing dates on job adverts are often brought forward, particularly if they have way more applications than they thought. Some adverts even state that. A number of online platforms also have a closing date in the summary box on one side of the page, often automatically set to a month after the advert is posted, and then the text of the advert itself will state a completely different and much shorter closing date. I have been caught out by this more times than I care to remember or admit.

The other trick I've seen is for a closing date literally the day after the publication date, meaning it is often closed by the time the alert goes out by email.

Assuming his carelessness is deliberate is really quite harsh; to be honest it says more about you than him OP.

Just tell him to apply anyway, add a note that he didn't see the advert till after the date but thinks he's a perfect fit because xyz

You need to be the main wage earner he’s not up to it
And why are you pregnant in these circumstances? That sounds like an almighty slip-up on your part!

Wow MN is a crazy place sometimes...

I think you need to make a decision.
Either you are a team and you are supporting (not nagging) him in which case missed deadlines are both your fault. Stop the blame game.
OR
He is responsible for his job hunting and applying and you squash the temptation to micromanage him.

My husband lost his job right before Christmas. He was given a choice to join in an illegal activity or resign. He resigned. We too are in questionable financial straits. My income alone is not enough for us to stay in our home either. We have savings for six months living expenses so he can continue unemployed for a few more months. But it’s very stressful. I wish I’d lost my job because I can claim benefits, he can’t even do that as he is an immigrant in my country. Too, if he goes too long without an income, he will be deported.

I have recent experience with the stress you are going through. I too help my DH with his CV and applying for jobs. When you are a team, mistakes fall back to the team. To me it’s just a matter of principle.

Thanks for all your comments (and @SouthernComforts for your judgement - I’m not going to detail all our fertility issues and losses but sometimes things don’t happen the way you plan them to and when they do happen you grab it with both hands). @Waveysnail I can’t increase my hours as I’m already pretty much full time (and they don’t have any more hours to give me), and my job has the capacity to go up in salary in the future too so it doesn’t make sense for me to

To be clear, I’m not forcing him to get another job - he wants to, for all the reasons I’ve listed. We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle so there’s not really anything we can cut out, and he really really doesn’t want to move (we’re in the cheapest area round here anyway).

@ActualHornist thank you! I hadn’t realised that - will have a look.

@Aquamarine1029 wow you’re quick to denounce a marriage! I’m not going to leave him over this! I’m frustrated, I’m annoyed, but I’m not about to throw in the towel on a 15 year relationship. @mummymeister I did wonder about a physical thing - he’s just so forgetful. I can ring him on his way home and ask him to pick up milk and he’ll have forgotten five mins later. He is ridiculously forgetful - which is at the root of all this. He is hardworking, he cares about doing well, he wants to get a better paid job for his own peace of mind and sense of achievement (in any other industry he’d be getting paid a lot more for the level of responsibility he has, but there we are). I’ve told him that above all I want him to be happy but I don’t know how to support him without overdoing it (he is better than me at many things but remembering things isn’t one of them). It’s not a parent/child relationship in any other respect - he is hugely supportive of me. I don’t know at what point it’s okay for me to be pissed off at him missing another job deadline though.

He doesn't want to go back to his old industry, he likes his current job.

Where I live there's no way a company would accept an application after the closing date. Is that even legal? Arrest someone for sending in a late application!

OP posters have decided to pile on you, which they wouldn't do if you were a man saying your wife was refusing to take more financial responsibility. I do wonder however at his level of competence for a more responsible job. If he forgets to buy milk 5 minutes after you have asked him to, should he even be thinking of a job where such muddle headedness could have serious consequences?

I am astonished you know so much about his applications.

When DH or I apply we would get the other to proof read the latest CV and LinkedIn page. Nothing else. He wouldn't know which jobs I had and had not applied for unless I chose to mention a particularly interesting one.

He certainly wouldn't have been cross-referencing my letters, forms, tailored CV to the job ad! If he can't apply for the job he can't do the job.

I have probably messed up plenty of applications in my time. DH wouldn't be complaining because he wouldn't know that level of detail.

It's a bit like petrol chain saws. Nobody must ever help you start one. If you don't have the strength and power to start it up then you don't have the strength and power to operate it safely.

Back off. Right away. Further. Go on. Now sit down and do not do anything related to his job applications except help cover life stuff if he needs to go to an interview.

Could he not apply for jobs where this sort of mistake is not possible to make?

Dyslexia?

@TorkTorkBam he asked me for help - I’m not going to refuse to give it to him! Are people not supposed to help each other in relationships?! He’ll do a damn sight better at the job than I would but when it comes to the application process I’m better at them. Not every job requires the skills that a good application takes and I don’t believe that there aren’t many people out there who get help to get them to the interview stage (I must stress that I don’t write the applications - that’s all him - I just make the grammar better and point out if he’s missed stuff.)

Thanks to people who haven’t denounced us for daring to have another child, and for not saying he is completely incompetent and shouldn’t be in his job. He’s not - he’s forgetful. I’m just fed up of that bit! Now that someone has pointed me towards the possibility that we may be able to get a different mortgage deal it’s not so bad, we’re not living massively beyond our means and we can afford my planned (short) maternity leave, but he wants to be in a position where we can go out for a meal or for a family day out once in a while and not stress about the cost of it, and he’d like to give up the extra evening work he’s currently doing. Oh, and I already work evenings and weekends (and every other possible hour when I’m not with the DC).

I’m with VeniceQueen. You can’t force someone to work to your standards if they can’t/won’t.

I feel your pain, it’s taken me many years to finally realise I can’t force my DH to do what we both know he needs to do in terms of jobhunting – you know, remember to actually show up for appointments, put a decent application together and so on. He either moans at me for ‘nagging’ at him, or moans that I didn’t nag/help and so that’s why he forgot to go to the appointment or didn’t complete the application properly.

In my case there is also an element of learned incompetence (cos I will always fix it/earn enough to keep us etc) which is even more frustrating.

I’ve had to learn to ‘let go’ and for the past 10 years I’ve been the breadwinner. Don’t see that changing any time soon….

OP, definitely send the application in anyway! If the employer isn't inundated they may be quite happy to consider it. Nothing to lose.

Also, has your DH had his sight tested? or spoken to his GP about his lapses in concentration? and is something going on in his/your life that's distracting him?

If there's no health or other reason for his mistakes, maybe you just have to consider that this decent man you love isn't cut out to be a high earner. Why not sit down together, work out how best to use your joint income and with each taking a fair share of the work and the economies enjoy the life you've got.

You need to ask why he does this sort of stuff, dyslexic or other issues.
I’m confused, maybe he is tooo

He sounds like my OH but he is dyslexic which is why I take on all that admin. aspect of our life, different skill set.

You might benefit from reading the adult ADHD threads...