To be cross with DH about this repeated mistake?

[Fudgewhizz]

Background: three years ago DH made a mistake at work which led to him having to leave - it was going to a hearing and he resigned rather than risk it. Was handled extremely badly by the company and should never have got to that stage, and he was treated pretty unfairly given that it was an oversight (albeit a stupid one) that had no repercussions either on the business or anyone else, but they concentrated on what could have happened and we are where we are.

He’s since worked in a different industry as he couldn’t get another job in the original one, but got made redundant from that. He is now back in the original industry where he wants to be but on half the salary, which we can only afford to stay on for a short time without selling the house and uprooting DCs, which we really don’t want to do. There’s no possibility of my earning any more. As such he’s now applying for other jobs, which are few and far between.

Today he missed a deadline for one because he didn’t read the ad properly. It was a really good job, he had everything they wanted, and would have pretty much solved all our issues. He got defensive and upset because I was cross about him missing it, and it took ages for him to admit he’d made a mistake - ‘it definitely didn’t say that date before’ etc. This is the fourth time this has happened. The mistake he made at work was due to a similar thing and I now feel like unless I’m over his shoulder checking everything for job applications he won’t get it done or he’ll miss something else. I proofread his applications and he frequently leaves out crucial information they’ve asked for, because he hasn’t read it properly. He thinks I’m BU for getting so cross but I feel like I have to be constantly on his back. It’s really stressful as I’m now spending a lot of time worrying when he’s next going to make a mistake at work or miss another job deadline. I don’t want to nag him, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. I left him to it this time and he missed it, and it’s so, so important that he gets another job or we’re up the creek. AIBU for getting angry that he just seems to make the same mistake over and over? I want to support him but I’m getting near the end of my tether!

If he's on half the salary I presume he has less responsibility and more stress. Perhaps he's being careless with those applications because he is happy with the level he is working at and does not want to move up.

I'd definitely look to extending the mortgage length. Generally the early part of the mortgage seems much more difficult to manage than the end few years, by which time you can have started overpaying the mortgage and catch yourself up. Especially as you are pregnant atm so it's a difficult time.

I wouldn't push him into getting a new job if he's happy with the current one. He sounds like a good husband and father but someone who doesn't live well with stress.

@starfishmummy ha you’d think so but no - same responsibility, just badly paid!

@greenandpleasanter he swears he doesn’t get stressed. I think he just hides it and doesn’t admit it to himself, let alone me

My OH sent me this the other day to describe himself. Anything ring a bell OP?

geektotech.com/?p=232&fbclid=IwAR30DPT7TIWx7ogrT8DofYm56pgBd8aqcLTFbNg4Eio0sjScdi7cjH-mSvc

Friend and I were made redundant at the same time. She's struggled to get anything other than short-term jobs, so was always on the lookout for something better. A few times she told me enthusiastically about a 'perfect' job she'd seen advertised. Then she'd let the deadline pass.

Inside, I was seething on her behalf, but I kept my mouth shut. I appreciate this didn't affect me like it would if she'd been my DH ((important point!!), BUT I realised that, deep down, she didn't really want to apply for it after all. No idea why - maybe she was afraid of being rejected?

Maybe let up on the pressure on your DH, OP. He's not under you control.

You're assuming he has some level of control over this but it may be less than you think. Or it could be a lack of motivation because he likes the job he's in. If it's the former I would just keep checking everything for him but you may need a plan B for your mortgage situation.

@Fudgewhizz I doubt you’ll go into the SVR of your current lender. Just do a product transfer.

No further underwriting required.

I'm almost pathologically forgetful (seriously - I once forgot an entire holiday we'd been on less than 2 years previously, had absolutely no memory of it whatsoever) and similarly forget important dates, to pick up what it was I went into the shop for, conversations I had 5 minutes ago etc etc. It's hard. BUT I'm aware that it's my issue to deal with and if it ever impacts my DH or DD I'm wracked with guilt. That's why I've put strategies in place to avoid that happening. To do lists, calendar reminders, notes to self etc etc. He's a grown man and he should be taking responsibility for managing this situation himself. YANBU at all OP - honestly it's a bit pathetic that a fully grown adult can't get a job application in on time. He needs to step up, especially considering it was his mistake that resulted in this mess in the first place.

@Fudgewhizz of course I can see why you're so stressed - you've got a baby on the way and you can't see how you're going to provide for them - no wonder tensions are running high!

I must say though that I would go to pieces under the level of scrutiny that he seems to be under and definitely make silly mistakes. I wonder if part of the reason he is missing things is because he's not taking ownership of the situation? Maybe he thinks (subconsciously) that he doesn't need to worry about what he's missed or about spelling and grammar because he knows you will sort that out for him?

Could you maybe not ask him anything about his job search for a month and see if he steps up when he's left to it?

@justasking111 some of it definitely, but he’s never had issues with spelling at all and he’s very good at maths. He can also be fantastically organised (almost obsessively so), particularly regarding bills etc, which is why this is so flipping frustrating!

Either he subconsciously doesn't want to apply. Maybe he's suffering still from what happened before. I lost a job in really challenging circumstances and it took me years to get over it including a spell unemployed because I lost my confidence.

Or, he has some issue with executive functioning that makes it difficult for him to manage things like this. It's possible to get to adulthood and to have had a neurological condition missed. I was diagnosed as autistic at the age of 40. Some things I truly excel at. Other basic things I can't do to save my life.

Leave him alone ffs

Where do you live that it's against the law to apply for a job after the closing date?

Northern Ireland

Arrest someone for sending in a late application! I didn't mean illegal for the candidate to submit it I meant illegal for the business to accept it.

I've done a bit of googling for the law here and 'illegal' might be too strong a word, but the Equality Commission specifically mention that the closing date must be clear and that the same standards are applied to all applicants. So you would most likely lose if a disgruntled applicant took action if they found out that you had appointed someone who applied after the deadline. In the public sector here they wouldn't even accept a late application if the computer system crashed, it would just be tough luck, you had three weeks and you shouldn't have left it to the last minute.

I'm constantly amazed by how easy it must be to apply for a job elsewhere. The idea of being able to apply late, or be considered when you don't meet all the criteria sounds like heaven.

But that's a side issue to the question the OP asked.

I'd be mighty pissed off if my husband said he was job hunting but repeatedly forgot to submit the applications. On the other hand, he'd be perfectly entitled to not hunt for a new job, I'd just expect him to be honest about it.

If you're looking over his shoulder all the time waiting for him to make mistakes, no wonder he is making them

If it makes you feel any better I went global when my poor husband got made redundant for the third time in four years. Makes me cringe now. Awful behaviour on my part.

Facing a period of unemployment brings out the worst in us so YANBU but YABU 😂 We imagine the worst, bailiffs, repossession etc etc but it’s always okay in the end.

Try and send the application in or send them his CV on a speculative basis and see what happens.

Good luck! 🙂

I’m with @Lynda07
He lost his job in a stressful way. He probably list his confidence too. Maybe he doesn’t feel worthy of the new jobs.
I don’t think you’re over reacting, when taking into consideration moving to a smaller house and changing schools. Having said that, life happens. It sounds as though you have a good understanding and rationale as to what initially went wrong in the original job, but maybe could do with sitting down with dh and chattingbthrough with him supportively how he is feelings.
There’s a psychology ‘thing’ which relates to parent child relationships ( within couples) If you take on the role of parent, he becomes the child. If he behaves like a child, you become his parent. You could try being his support as his equal, then hopefully he will feel less child.

Sorry if covered

But I’m intrigued why you say you’re earning potential increase is nil?

Focus on reducing your bills fgs!

You need to be the main wage earner he’s not up to it
Not all men are super-earners, capable of everything. Every job my guy got that fit his qualifications and hopes proved too much for him in terms of stress and he ended up in depression or physically ill. I became the breadwinner and once he accepted the sense of that, his mental health improved dramatically. OP, you are pressuring your DH too much.

I disagree with the posters saying you are putting too much pressure on him. I understand 100% why you are annoyed- his mistakes are affecting your entire family, not just himself.

Also, they are very, very basic errors that could have been easily avoided by reading the ad properly. Unless he has a learning disability of some kind, there is no excuse for this. Yes, we all make mistakes at times and noone is perfect but the whole point of mistakes is to learn from them. He isn't. He's doing the same thing over and over and over again and its sheer carelessness. I get why it annoys you - because it AFFECTS you. You need to feel financially secure and that he is pulling his weight but at the moment he isn't due to these stupid errors.

That said, you need to stop helicoptering his efforts. If you carry on like this you'll turn into his mother and he will never learn. I'm afraid the only way he will learn from this is to suffer the consequences which will be periods of unemployment. I think you need to say to him- youre right, I will stay out of this from now on- its entirely your responsibility. Then let him get on with it. If he fucks it up again, then you can legit say to him- whats your plan b then? how are we going to pay the mortgage? Stop problem solving for him- get him to start taking responsibility for this. He needs to figure this out, not you. Hand it over to him and make it crystal clear its his responsibility to fix this.

I'm afraid if he carries on doing this and your finances suffer then you might have to give him an ultimatum- sort yourself out or this relationship wont work. Lots of relationships break up over finances and this will breed resentment. He's a grown man- the rest of us manage to apply to jobs on time and get basic instructions right- why cant he? He really needs to man up and manage this himself without your involvement.

It is you who is in the wrong op.
Too much pressure.

Bookoffacts How lovely to say that to the poor OP! Perhaps he realizes he's fucked up royally and is pressuring himself! Maybe it's ADHD or just memory problems or issues with anxiety and depression or he needs an eye exam.

@IanSomerhalderIsAGod if you can tell me a way of reducing our bills when we already pay the lowest we possibly can for all utilities and insurance, meal plan and cook nearly everything from scratch, buy all groceries from cheapest supermarket and don’t eat much meat, don’t have Sky, buy clothes once a year if that (except if DC grow out of something) and then only if cheap / on sale, have a £200 per year holiday budget (which I think is justified), and don’t buy anything except essentials more than once in a blue moon, then I’d love to hear it!

@Bringringbring12 yes it has been covered