To be cross with DH about this repeated mistake?

[Fudgewhizz]

Background: three years ago DH made a mistake at work which led to him having to leave - it was going to a hearing and he resigned rather than risk it. Was handled extremely badly by the company and should never have got to that stage, and he was treated pretty unfairly given that it was an oversight (albeit a stupid one) that had no repercussions either on the business or anyone else, but they concentrated on what could have happened and we are where we are.

He’s since worked in a different industry as he couldn’t get another job in the original one, but got made redundant from that. He is now back in the original industry where he wants to be but on half the salary, which we can only afford to stay on for a short time without selling the house and uprooting DCs, which we really don’t want to do. There’s no possibility of my earning any more. As such he’s now applying for other jobs, which are few and far between.

Today he missed a deadline for one because he didn’t read the ad properly. It was a really good job, he had everything they wanted, and would have pretty much solved all our issues. He got defensive and upset because I was cross about him missing it, and it took ages for him to admit he’d made a mistake - ‘it definitely didn’t say that date before’ etc. This is the fourth time this has happened. The mistake he made at work was due to a similar thing and I now feel like unless I’m over his shoulder checking everything for job applications he won’t get it done or he’ll miss something else. I proofread his applications and he frequently leaves out crucial information they’ve asked for, because he hasn’t read it properly. He thinks I’m BU for getting so cross but I feel like I have to be constantly on his back. It’s really stressful as I’m now spending a lot of time worrying when he’s next going to make a mistake at work or miss another job deadline. I don’t want to nag him, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. I left him to it this time and he missed it, and it’s so, so important that he gets another job or we’re up the creek. AIBU for getting angry that he just seems to make the same mistake over and over? I want to support him but I’m getting near the end of my tether!

Fudgewhizz I think you're right, he probably doesn't admit it to himself. Men are supposed to be able to cope the way women are supposed to be nice.

I just wondered whether he's unconsciously sabotaging the job hunt because he's anxious about leaving a job that's going well after previously being sacked.

Have you looked into lengthening the mortgage term?

They do close early when they get too many applications... happened to me once. I emailed the recruiter in charge of it and explained I was finishing my application when I applied and could I still apply?

They accepted, I got the job. Worth a shot.

Maybe look into lengthening the mortgage as a PP suggested or, and this isn’t for everyone, look at the options for an interest only mortgage for a little while. Not ideal I know.

I agree entirely with @MimiLaRue. He needs to deal with the consequences of his own actions. I have had periods of disorganisation, depression and low confidence, but I still need to provide for my family, and to limit the impact of my issues on them.

we already pay the lowest we possibly can for all utilities and insurance, meal plan and cook nearly everything from scratch, buy all groceries from cheapest supermarket and don’t eat much meat, don’t have Sky, buy clothes once a year if that (except if DC grow out of something) and then only if cheap / on sale, have a £200 per year holiday budget (which I think is justified), and don’t buy anything except essentials more than once in a blue moon

Wow it sounds like you're really on the edge here. Are both of your incomes really low? Or a really high cost of living area? I would consider our family to have a low (single) income and we don't have to scrape as much as you. If you post your budget I'm sure we could help?

Unless your dh is earning a pittance then there has to be a way.
We have lived in 20,000 joint income before. See a financial advisor.

You can get a new rate with your current mortgage lender without having to go through any affordability or eligibility criteria, speak to them about changing your rate - all you do is choose a new one with them and they’ll sort it

That must have changed recently, or be specific to a few lenders. We tried a couple of years back and were told if we wanted a new rate, we”d have to start the process from scratch. And that’s with a bank I’ve been with for thirty years.

Just to say I get you OP. Feels like you have 100% of the responsibility for keep the family afloat because you have to deal with their half of the mental load.

@NYCDreaming I don’t see it as a major issue as such - neither of us are particularly hankering after exotic holidays or lots of new clothes etc as we’re generally pretty happy with simple things. Our mortgage is probably bigger in terms of proportion of income than a lot of others, because the house is more important to us than an expensive lifestyle - which was fine when DH had his old job, as his income paid all our bills and mine paid for food / fuel / clothes / nice things, but having one income drop by half has had quite an impact. We’re okay but if something goes wrong with the car, for example, we have to use savings and as we can no longer save they are slowly diminishing. But the house is so important to us and due to where we live it would be a massive upheaval to move anywhere else (plus both of us work from home a bit and very few houses would give us the space we need for that, and certainly none that would be in our budget, so we need to hang onto this one). We probably have about £600/month left after bills, to pay for food / fuel / everything else. Weekly shop I can do for about £30-40 - no way I can get it down more than that! Fuel eats up a lot so him getting a closer job would also help.

I’m not usually one to diagnose on the internet but his issues sound exactly like an ex-colleague of mine who was dyslexic. Obsessive, highly effective and organised in one aspect of his work but his short term working memory was so poor he could forget a conversation in the middle of it.

He fucked up so royally 3 years ago he had to resign. He may not have even got the job. Anyway you are putting pressure on him be thankful he has a job at all. It's 2 of you in this situation not just him, if he wanted the job he wouldn't have missed the deadline.

What planet have I landed on?

Telling a pregnant woman she needs to get a SECOND job because her husband is lazy and forgetful and it’s not the poor dear’s fault and she needs to pick up the slack?

Are we picking fights just for the sake of it?

If a man came on here and said he had gotten fired from his job for fucking up, and had forgotten to apply for news jobs he wanted by the deadline, and suggested his pregnant wife get a second job to pick up the slack he would have his ass handed to him!

No one told her to get a second job. The point people were making was why is it always automatically assumed that the man is capable of getting a higher paid job? Why couldn’t she get a higher paid job after maternity leave. The OP has answered that already though so it’s moot.

Op, i haven't read the test of your thread yet but just re the remortgage- my DH got put through capability and down graded (so salary was reduced by £11,500). Later that same month our mortgage fixed deal was up and we panicked thinking we wouldn't be able to remortgage and the variable rate had gone up by £120 a month. We just did an online application with the same provider and didn't need to provide any earnings details at all. It went through no problems.

@gingersausage Someone definitely told me further up the thread that I should be working evenings/weekends too...

Thanks @couchlover that’s helpful. Sorry you had to go through that, it must have been stressful.

I’ve never hung his original mistake over him as I do think he was well and truly shafted by his employer and it went way further than it should have done - the level of mistake was such that anywhere else it would probably have just been a slap on the wrist. We are different in that I probably get a bit obsessed with looking for jobs as I’m very single minded whereas he doesn’t like the stress that entails - which is fair enough I suppose. I just want to support him without nagging him and it’s difficult to get the balance right.