To be cross with DH about this repeated mistake?

[Fudgewhizz]

Background: three years ago DH made a mistake at work which led to him having to leave - it was going to a hearing and he resigned rather than risk it. Was handled extremely badly by the company and should never have got to that stage, and he was treated pretty unfairly given that it was an oversight (albeit a stupid one) that had no repercussions either on the business or anyone else, but they concentrated on what could have happened and we are where we are.

He’s since worked in a different industry as he couldn’t get another job in the original one, but got made redundant from that. He is now back in the original industry where he wants to be but on half the salary, which we can only afford to stay on for a short time without selling the house and uprooting DCs, which we really don’t want to do. There’s no possibility of my earning any more. As such he’s now applying for other jobs, which are few and far between.

Today he missed a deadline for one because he didn’t read the ad properly. It was a really good job, he had everything they wanted, and would have pretty much solved all our issues. He got defensive and upset because I was cross about him missing it, and it took ages for him to admit he’d made a mistake - ‘it definitely didn’t say that date before’ etc. This is the fourth time this has happened. The mistake he made at work was due to a similar thing and I now feel like unless I’m over his shoulder checking everything for job applications he won’t get it done or he’ll miss something else. I proofread his applications and he frequently leaves out crucial information they’ve asked for, because he hasn’t read it properly. He thinks I’m BU for getting so cross but I feel like I have to be constantly on his back. It’s really stressful as I’m now spending a lot of time worrying when he’s next going to make a mistake at work or miss another job deadline. I don’t want to nag him, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. I left him to it this time and he missed it, and it’s so, so important that he gets another job or we’re up the creek. AIBU for getting angry that he just seems to make the same mistake over and over? I want to support him but I’m getting near the end of my tether!

Also the forgetfulness/missing details sounds like extreme stress to me. I would honestly think about if downsizing is an option.

It comes down to whether it's that he just needs babysat to get things done, which is not cool, or whether he genuinely doesn't want these jobs, which is another issue entirely.

Was it definitely a mistake? I missed the deadline for the job I currently have because the closing date was 1am and so I assumed the closing date meant you had until 5pm or midnight on the day given and so when I logged in on the date to finish and submit my application the job had already closed.

Luckily they re-advertised it.

Otherwise I wonder whether he has any issues say with attention or dyslexia that's causing him to miss things.

Job hunting is hugely stressful. So don't underestimate how much effort it takes.

Probably the issue to address in your relationship is how you feel about what's happened as continuing to blame him probably isn't helping his mental state.

He could still apply, if they don't get a lot, or what they do get is not well suited then they may still consider him.

Additionally, has he spoken to any recruitment consultants? They are employed for exactly the purposes he needs.

Yep, stress/anxiety (among other things) can overwhelm your executive function

Yeah, YABU for continually procreating with a person who can't seem to hold down a job.

Sounds very like my DS who has ADD. Perfectly capable in so many other ways but dreadful with time and deadline management because he just can't help it.

Getting cross isn't the answer, as frustrating as things are.

Talk to your mortgage provider about your options either a new rate or worse case scenario extending the length of the mortgage to reduce the payments. Not ideal but better than losing the house if a new job doesn’t happen.

This blows my mind. Where I live there's no way a company would accept an application after the closing date. Is that even legal?

Where do you live that it's against the law to apply for a job after the closing date?

Unless it's an online application where you literally can't apply after the date I'd say send it in anyway, he has nothing to lose. In future why doesn't he do the applications when he sees the advert?

Sorry, are you equally not responsible for your family’s outgoings ?

Why don’t you retrain or get another job - why is it all on him ?

Why can’t you both be looking for jobs and doing applications together as a team if you can’t move Jobs due to pregnancy ?

I assume you will be looking to change role after mat leave so he can be the flexible one and you can earn more ?

Why get pregnant if you're only a payday or two short of your home being at risk?

Sounds like bad decision making by both of you and a lot of pressure on him to produce the perfect job. What does he do?

Also he is he depressed? The whole situation must be pretty demoralising for him and sometimes even doing basic tasks can get overwhelming if he is under extreme stress.

You're putting a LOT of pressure on him to be the main provider and he's plainly not up to the job.

There’s no possibility of my earning any more.

I know you tried to explain why but I don't understand. Could you get a second/evening/weekend job?

Downsize to a smaller house?

Of course there’s no way we could now this as fact but it does sound like the errors could be down to pressure and that he is aware your house etc could be in jeopardy.
That’s enough to put the fear of god into any one ,especially one who’s had a few knocks recently.
I do understand your frustration though but micromanaging doesn’t seem to be helping

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy she’s pregnant

Could dh be dyslexic or have a processing issue? Or ADHD? This was the first thing that sprang to mind. If so, he might benefit from some specific advice on working around his difficulties.

And why are you pregnant in these circumstances? That sounds like an almighty slip-up on your part!

The amount of negative judgement about this man expressed on this thread is unbelievable.

I am generally organised yet in the last 6 weeks or so I have completely forgotten a Dr’s appointment, an optician’s appointment and driven to the wrong location to attend a clinic which is held in multiple places.

It wasn’t because I’m feckless or didn’t care enough to apply myself, it was purely that I’ve had multiple stressful events going on recently and overestimated my brain’s ability to manage everything under pressure

OP, you're really getting a pasting.

on pregnancy to you both. Call the place, ask them if he can still apply, read the riot act briefly, and send it off.

It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure, others might not agree but if it was me I would help him with the applications if he was happy to accept my help. If you don’t think he will be careless in the next job your main hurdle is helping him get his foot in the door. I know you shouldn’t have to, but it is what it is and it’s the solution to your worries really if he gets a new job!

Jeezus what a bunch of nasty self-righteous smart arses on this thread!

YANBU for beginning to get irritated but if you start helicopter-wife'ing him, you'll turn into his mother...

@Member careful, that's three mistakes. Another one proves you did them all deliberately!

YANBU in wanting him to be competent adult but YABU about him having to be the one that is expected to financially responsible for the family.

God leave him be! You sound too intense

Maybe you should be the one who retrains and earns higher

Yep, agree with this self righteous arse

@Fluffybutter Ah I see. Thank you.